damn it!
hmmmm well its confusing. i dont understand some of the things i do, why i always run back to being in constant pain, why i push people away, why i love hating myself. it doesnt make sense. i always become so doubtful of myself and people and like i just cant trust.im so scared of being with someone cause ive been alone for so long that being with someone really scares me, ive been alone for so long. im so frusterated with myself cause on the ride homw ecverything was great i was happy and i thought maybe this new friendship could have more potential than it seems and he told me how he feels and i made him stumble and it was funny. i thought it was funny to make someone whos so close to god stumble....im sick. but now as i sit here and think about it, i dont know. i mean i can never figure out my heart and the things it does. i destroy everything thats good that comes my way because im not used to good things and like i hate it! the reason why im not happy is because i make myself unhappy on purpose. its so frusterating knowing that i distance myself with people when they come too close. history repeats itself with me and now im scared to find out if its true or not, i just dont know anymore and i just feel so lost and frusterated with myself.....this sucks