another day
well i spent alot of today kindda lost in thought mostly about him. i dont understand why i cant hate him. the reality is he is Doran. anyways so me and sara went to the varsity football game and we sat with connie, kenny, josh, domi and a few other people. it was halrious when me and connie got checked out by those agora freshamn. i think the ultimate highlight of today was when justin and james came to pick me and sara up and like we rocked out to american idiot and yelled at random people on the street and james pulled over and beat the crap out of a kerry edwards sign. but the moment sara left the car and the music stopped i felt empty again. my next therapy appointment is in two weeks. i like dr perin he seems like a nice guy but im not sure how comfy i am with telling a complete stranger all my issues. i guess i dont really care what happens to me, i go for my parents so they arent worried. today my mom and i went shopping and while we were looking at shoes i mentioned that i was glad we were close and she said to me that she wants to be closer because she barley even knows me. it really hurt but its true. i think about it and i have two sides. brooke and scarlet. brooke is the girl you know, scarlet is who my parents have recently met. i have so many secrets that ive become two totally different people.the person i am when im alone is very different from the brooke you know. the last thing i want is to hurt my family. like any italian family is what matters most, ive already hurt them and my mom expressed that to me today. i cant help it. this is how i am, and ive been like this for so long that im scared if scarlet is taken away from me ill have nothing left. ive lost so much. my parents dont look at me the same way, ive lost him, i lost my innocense. im just a mean bitter person but ive come to accept iti think and maybe i dont want to change maybe i like being two completely different people. everyone who knows brooke knows this sweet girl and those who know scarlet truely are the people who know me. i dont want to lose scarlet shes the only thing that some what makes sense to me. everything else is sooo blurry. my emotions, relationships, friendships none of it is clear, my life isnt clear. i think thats why i do what i do. im trying to seek refuge, this world is so messed up that im trying to find what is clear and whatever. i talked to sara about him tonight and i told her that i think i love him because what he did, im supposed to hate him if he was any other guy i would,but i cant help the way i feel. the rush and butterflies i get when ever i see him or think about him. he makes sense, yet logically he doesnt. its ridculos. i shouldnt love someone like him. ya know what they say though you never get over your first love. its so true he was my first love and im still so in love with him. its all so confusing i just would rather go stick my head in the sand and pretend none of this ever happened, but to deny it would only make life so much more difficult. i just need some relife i need to escape or have someone or something take my mind off of this stuff yet the truth is i dont want to go to my first resource, the person who takes away my pain because i understand that the last thing he needs right now is a needy little girl, my second resource will only get me in more trouble and i dont have a third resource. i need new zealand that was the happiest 3 weeks of my life and i cant remeber a time when i had such pure joy like that. its where i belong, its home. i cant go anywhere because im stuck here for a very long long time. the pain is building up and once something go wrong its gonna snap like a rubber band i can feel it piling up and i want it to go away i want everything to go away. i wanna hide and be unaware of the world around me, but i cant. i hate the life im living, or rather being forced to live. i just want it all to go away