More Planning (and other) Notes 6/21/13
PART A:
So, I was starting to get behind the idea of moving back to the south bay. I was starting to fantasize about building my tiny house in my parent's yard, so that when it was finished and I was an esthetician, I could move it somewhere else and have a rent-free home. But then I noticed something on the SJCC website about a waiting list. So I called and asked about it, and was told that there is a waiting list to enter the cosmetology (and esthetics) program, and it takes between a semester and two years to be able to actually enroll.
So much for that plan.
I am waiting to hear back from Skyline about whether they have a waiting list. If they don't, they are still an option, although not an option with a clear logistical plan associated, as they are still a long commute away and/or an expensive place to live.
So then I am looking at Gilroy or Oroville, for a community college program or going to a beauty college.
When I decided I wanted to get esthetician training, I had no idea it was going to be this hard to arrange it.
PART B:
When I saw Dr. Teri earlier this week, we again spent some time talking about the idea of being... authentic... I don't know if that word ever came up in the conversation, but in retrospect it seems like that's what we were talking about. Basically, I am kind of recognizing that I was unhappy during the past year because I had made decisions and put myself into circumstances that were not really "me". There are a variety of things that comprise my current lifestyle- my job, where I live, my car, etc. that I chose during this phase I was going a year ago, where I felt like it was time for me to prove I was a mature and responsible adult. I was finally "done with school" and my parents were not helping me out financially any more, so I need to become a "professional". I had this image in my head of what a successful professional lady should be like, and that was my guiding principle in setting shit up. I thought I needed a good commuting car, that got good gas mileage, and I wasn't going to be going to burning man or anything like that any more, so I got a Honda Civic. Very safe and boring. And I have resented that car almost since I bought it. Or, not resented it exactly, but just, I dunno I have never really bonded with it, never really felt like it was mine.
I got an Ann Taylor credit card. Because I thought I would probably need it to buy clothes "for work" because I was a professional now and I would need nice clothes. I do love Ann Taylor clothes, but I rarely wear anything I bought there to work. I bought a TV. I inherited a couch.
I thought I needed a steady "stable" job, because I needed a secure source of income because I needed to pay the rent. So I took the first job that was offered to me, even though the pay kind of sucked, because they could offer me a consistent schedule of hours. And then once I realized that other aspects besides the the pay sucked, I didn't quit, because I needed to keep the income flowing in. I commute in traffic now, just like a real grown-up. It blows.
I moved to Vallejo, because I somehow thought I was "too old for roommates now", and I think I kind of thought that if I moved to where the married people with kids were living, somehow it would rub off on me and I would also get married and have kids. Like Vallejo was some sort of promised land of domestic bliss. It seemed like a move of maturity, because I was showing that I no longer needed to live somewhere that was hip or cool. And I thought it would be better for my social life, even though I now realize that I traded all the conveniences of a civilized city, and my 25 friends who live in Oakland and SF, for the barren wilderness of Vallejo, and the 5 friends and a handful of acquaintances in Vallejo. I am kind of getting off topic here, by my current take on Vallejo is that it's not a bad place... if you want to buy a house and/or you have a family to live here with. It just kind of sucks to live here alone. It's not a city that has a lot of amenities for... public life. There aren't cafes or hip bars or bookstores or an independent movie house or a live music venue or even a functioning library. There aren't a lot of public events, probably because the city is broke. Actually, there is a live music venue, but I have never been there because every time I check their schedule there is never anything happening there that looks interesting to me. There aren't really places where young single people go to hang out. Or if there are, I haven't found them. For the most part, at least the people I know here, tend to hang out at home with their families or partners. So when I have a day off, and I am feeling restless and at loose ends and want to get out of my lair... I am often kind of at a loss for anywhere to go in the neighborhood. So, kind of like Sacramento, not an inherently bad place, in and of itself, just not a good match for where I am and who I am at the moment.
So anyway, to get back on topic, I think that phase was all about proving to myself and the world, that I am capable of being a "successful adult". I gathered all the trappings of conventional adulthood. I have a car, an apartment, a job, credit cards, I feed and clothe myself, I go on trips and fly on airplanes all by myself... And all of that made me depressed and miserable and pushed me into therapy. I am not hating on myself, because I see and understand that this phase was necessary. I was supported by my parents for so long while I was going to school, that I needed to prove that I was capable of making my own way (at least somewhat, I am still an heiress, so I got a lot of help) and that I could hold down a job for the long term. I guess I needed to prove that I could keep up with the Joneses, and that I had a good work ethic.
But I think I am ready to be done with that phase now. I have proven that I can do it. I really feel that I am just not a person that is meant to live a conventional lifestyle. I chafe at working for a corporate overlord. I feel weighed down with a one-bedroom apartment's worth of possessions. During the past year I have constantly fantasized about a life of freedom and adventure. Sometimes I have spent whole days, whole weekends, on the internet "researching" my different ideas for escape, but thus far, I have been too stuck to make any of them actually happen.
I think part of that stuckness is that somewhere, in the past few years, I started giving a shit what people think, in a way I never did when I was younger. When I was in high school, I shaved my head, was homeschooled, wore weird vintage clothes from thrift stores, had a framed photo of Jimmy Page circa 1976 in my locker, and dropped out during my senior year to start going to DeAnza College. I didn't give a shit what people thought. I was definitely angsty back then, but I feel like, in some ways, I had a much stronger sense of myself and who I was. And now, I am more cautious and fearful, and don't want people to think I am a lunatic. I think it would be fucking awesome to convert an old school bus into an RV, and live in it and travel in it. But I don't do it, partially because I give a shit about people thinking I am a fucking hippy, and that I have dropped out of society because I couldn't hack it. I have a big internal conflict between wanting to be a free-spirited gypsy and wanting to fit into society so people will like me. Which, now that I write it down and look at it and re-read it, makes absolutely no sense, because I think most of my friends like the free-spirited gypsy me a lot more than the miserable corporate-employed me. If I were to meet two new people, and one of them was converting a school bus and sewing quilts and learning to be an esthetician and going on adventures... and the other person was living somewhere she didn't like, going to a job she didn't like, always feeling tired and stuck and depressed...Well, I know which person I would be more interested in being friends with. Which is not to say that I think my friends judge me for being unhappy and will stop liking me... but just that the negative energy of being in a life I don't like, don't feel inspired, by is probably sabotaging my standing with other people more than things like not having a job ever would. I think most of my friends would rather be around a "unemployed", creative, happy, crazy person than a sad, boring, depressed person with a job. Which is kind of what I've been for the past year. So I guess moral of the story is that if I really want people to like me, I should probably try to go back to being more myself.
Now I just have to figure out who that is.
This is a little tougher than it seems, because I can't just go back to an earlier version of me, like, what is that called in computer jargon... going back to an earlier back-up? Like 17 year old Rebecca is saved on a hard-drive somewhere and I can just go re-install that me. I have changed since my last back up, and in many ways, for the better. I am far more secure and have self-esteem and boundaries now... lots of good changes have happened. I guess this is why I am going to therapy, to help figure this out. Because, as Dr. Teri pointed out, it seems like a lot of people who really seem content are people who are living their lives authentically, being who they really are.
So, anyway to try tie it all together and wrap this up, I am kind of leaning towards giving my notice at my apartment (they asked for two months notice) and then giving my notice at my job next month, and taking August off, just assuming that once I leap the net will appear. I mean, of course I will come up with some sort of plan... but I keep putting off doing anything until I have the perfect plan in place, and maybe the perfect plan doesn't exist. Maybe once I have a deadline I will be more motivated to make some decisions. I need to just not give a shit and start converting that school bus already.