Long-ass belated update
So, like the title says, this is a pretty long update.
When we last left off, Crystal was about to break up with Furby, somewhat tired, and a little cranky.
I broke up with Furby. I can't be with someone who's in love with someone else especially when they have no intention of getting over the other person.
Crystal gets 5 smart points for this.
Tim and I talked and resolved a lot of issues we had the first time we dated. So we started dating again a month ago.
Crystal loses 10 smart points for this.
Oh, by the way, I went out of state. Texas. Most of you already knew that. Every summer I go there for a couple weeks to visit my grandparents.
It's always fun because my grandmother is literally OBSESSED with dogs. She has four dogs herself as well as thousands, literally, of dog-related trinkets, toys, books, stuffed animals, pictures, statues, soaps, puzzles, games, and more. I'm not exaggerating...the only way to truly understand how obsessed my grandmother is, is to see her house (I took as many pictures as I could to prove how insane it is).
Day 1 of Texas:
My grandparents had just picked me up from the airport and after exchanging the typical, "It's been so long," and "How's California?" and whatnot, there was a long silence before my grandparents immediately started one of their two-minute fights about nothing.
***
Betty: "You know, Crystal, we should go to the grocery store because I'm sure Grandpa and I don't have any food in the house you'd like to eat."
Crystal: "I could make due. What do you have?"
Betty: "Frozen hamburger patties."
Crystal: "Do you have any cheese?"
Betty: "No, we don't."
Paul: "Yes, we do, Betty."
Betty: "No, we don't, Paul. Neither you nor I eat cheese."
Paul: "Yes, you do, Betty."
Betty: "No, I don't, Paul. I haven't eaten cheese in years."
Paul: "Well, I bought you some cheese the other day."
Betty: "Now, why on earth would you do that?"
Paul: "I thought you liked cheese, Betty."
Betty: "Well, Paul, I don't. Let's go to the store."
***
Yes, they had a rather heated argument about cheese.
Day 2:
Tim called me and broke up with me because he'd rather start smoking pot again. Nice of him to wait until I was out of state to break up with me.
My grandmother and I played several rousing hours of Dogopoly (yes, it exists) that night.
Days 3-4:
My grandmother and I did a lot of driving (going anywhere in Houstan involves a lot of driving). We visited a bird-breeding place. Inside was a small cage with a couple leemurs, for some reason. One of them was a baby and kept jumping on the back of the other one. The bigger one finally got tired of this, knocked the baby off his back, turned around and peed on him.
Revenge is sweet, no?
The weather in Texas is nothing to scoff at. I couldn't go outside without sweat suddenly rushing like a waterfall out of every pore in my face. It was hot, it was humid as all hell, it'll be bright and shining and then in five seconds we're getting 6 inches of heavy rainfall for half an hour, then in only five seconds it will be bright and shining again.
It's all due to this PMSing hurricane, Hurricane Emily. Gave some pretty thunderstorms and lightening but knocked out the power occasionally. The weather there sucked.
Days 5-7:
I spent the first weekend shagging. There were hundreds of people around me watching. People of all ages, from four-year-olds to elderly, grey-haired men and women, were nearby also shagging. I had to shag dozens of times. It was tiring and boring...just waiting for several minutes while I shagged, having to grab dozens of sticky, moist balls...
Get your mind out of the gutter, perv.
I went to a national dog racing championship that my grandmother and her dog racing team participates in. One of the games involves the dogs running down a track, grabbing a ball out of a box, and bringing it back. "Shagging" is the term for collecting those balls once they've been brought back and putting them in a bucket so we don't lose them.
So many innuendos and no one around to snicker with.
People at the dog show were amusing to look at. I noticed that the older the women were, the more their hair looked like a 12-year-old boy's hair. And, for such a conservative state, there was a lot of gayosity among the straight people. Androgeny reigned supreme as men in short shorts and tank tops pranced around with poodles and balding women lead around dobermans and great danes.
I had to wear a team uniform...a T-shirt designed like the American flag.
I felt so...ugh...patriotic. It sickened me.
On Sunday we finally finished, packed up, and went home. That was a sweet day. Imagine the Vegas convention without the fun and laughter, and with a lot more dogs and old people. Pack that into three days and imagine the relief when you're finally heading home on the last day. That's what it felt like.
Day 8:
I slept. All day. It was truly beautiful.
Unfortunately, I found out my aunt was coming to stay with us. Unfortunately, there's only one guest room. Not forcing a woman in her mid-forties who absolutely hates dog hair to sleep on a couch covered in dog hair, I graciously (and silently grumpily) offered to take the dog-hair covered couch in my grandmother's office. Apparently, my aunt absolutely had to see me in Texas, even though she lives in California as well. She thought that she and I would share the guest bed. That didn't bode well with me because there are very few people I can comfortably share a bed with. At first, my grandmother thought I was just trying to be difficult, not wanting to share a bed with my middle-aged aunt when there was a couch in the other room. When I said, "I can't share a bed with Aunt Peggy," she said, "Well, yes you can, you just won't."
Granny knows everything.
Day 9-10:
My aunt flew in. She's lost a lot of weight since whe was diagnosed with Hepatitis. I know it's an awful thing to have but the weight loss combined with her new playful haircut makes her look like she's 15 years younger (she's in her late 40s.) I slept on the smelly, dog-hair covered futon the next few days and survived. GASP!
Day 11:
This had to be the best of all the days. I saw my aunt Shawn who I only get to see once a year. While that was fun, as was building a campfire in the driveway and making S'mores with my grandfather as per the usual yearly tradition, the highlight of that day was seeing my cousin Megan, who is the only other person in my family my age, and who I haven't seen in seven years because she was living in Thailand with her dad. She moved back late last year and I finally got to see her after all this time. It's amazing how much we still had in common after being separated for so long.
She's in a cast that performs the Rocky Horror Picture Show in Houstan (I can't for the life of me remember the cast's name right now but I'll get it from her). She's also in the SCA and works Ren Faires, which is how she met her fiance, Liz. They're getting married in May up in San Francisco and invited me to their wedding. It's so exciting that so much is going on after so long.
We stayed up until well after midnight (which is late for us because my grandparents went to sleep at 9) catching up. We're going to keep in touch this time and not lose contact like we did before.
Day 12:
HOME!
Thank god.
Lots and lots of pictures.
The red-eyed rottweiler is Dazzle, the one with the MAGNIFICENT green eye is Flair, and the disinterested one is Choice. The one with the Napolean complex is Bridget.
Flair
Dazzle showing off her tummy. She's still a puppy, even though she's huge.
Tough chicks.
Dazzle showing off her tummy some morel.
Bridget...after hearing a chipmunk...or a giant bug...or something.
Flair insisting on sitting on my bed.
This was the ONLY way I could get her to stop licking my face.
This was taken at the dog show. This is Ace. In his tourist's shirt with, what his owner calls his "Bling bling leash."
"What? What's that? A chipmunk? A snail? SOMETHING I CAN CHASE AND CHEW? WHERE?"
"You're not a chipmunk? You're not a bug! I can't chase you or chew you or eat you! WHY THE HELL DID YOU WAKE ME UP?"
I may be nine years old but I don't look a day over four."
Flair is young and still willing to pose for the papparazzi. Choice is wiser in years and feels she is entitled to her privacy.
Dazzle showing off her belly in the hallway.
Ever wanted to see a dog's tonsils?
My cousin Megan (right) and her fiance Liz. I hadn't seen Megan in about seven years so it was awesome to catch up with her.
Classic family photo. Aunt Peggy, Grandpa Paul, Grandma Betty (who I call Nina), and Aunt Shawn. Had to add in the "aww" photo.