ugh
so I came to two realizations today. One would be the reason why I still so desperately miss my college life and want to move back to Fresno, and the other... that I've gotten back into the nasty habit of living for other people again. My yearning for Fresno is connected to this, because really, Fresno was the only place where no one had expectations of me and I could truly do whatever I wanted and not let anyone down or have anyone feel like they "no longer know me". No one there had a past with me, so no one had any preconceived notions on who I should be, how I should act and what I should do.
Now I'm back at home, with my family and old friends, all of whom are expecting a certain kind of something. I don't even know what I want anymore because I've gone back to being a people pleaser. Except for right now, I have two waring factions, and if I try to go along with one, I run the chance of offending the sensitivities of the other. And I'm caught in the middle not knowing which way is up or where to run.
It is ridiculous to be pushing 30 and still feel like you're 12. I want to make a decision based on what I want, but I dont know what that is. I just want the different sides of my life to be happy. And at the moment, its not possible.
We'll see if that changes tomorrow.
Now I'm back at home, with my family and old friends, all of whom are expecting a certain kind of something. I don't even know what I want anymore because I've gone back to being a people pleaser. Except for right now, I have two waring factions, and if I try to go along with one, I run the chance of offending the sensitivities of the other. And I'm caught in the middle not knowing which way is up or where to run.
It is ridiculous to be pushing 30 and still feel like you're 12. I want to make a decision based on what I want, but I dont know what that is. I just want the different sides of my life to be happy. And at the moment, its not possible.
We'll see if that changes tomorrow.