(no subject)
It's interesting that at work I am the most Jewish, and yet, you go to temple and... oy. I just... Hmm. I spent a lot of the service noticing the brightness of the sun behind the bemah. It was like a response. The rabbi talked about our separating ourselves from Israel and how that's bad. But I'm not going to talk about Yom Kippur. I'm going to talk about myself. This is my lj after all.
I feel miserable. I have a headache and I'm tired and lonely. I was crying this morning before I took a shower. Vanessa has been so needlessly hostile. I know she wants her space, and I wanted to move out, but for fuck's sake, he dumped me. She needs to can it. Upon entering the service, an old friend's father said hi. He said "Oh, Shaw's gave you the day off?" First of all, I don't work mornings. Period. Secondly, of course they did, it's a high holiday. Thirdly, is that what I am now? A slave to the hours the supermarket gives me? My first service in literally a year, and you notice I'm not behind my counter in my apron, selling groceries.
I don't know what I want to do from here... This is that weird void between planes. You're not supposed to fall here from the line I started down, but here I am anyway. Where do I go now? How should I know? I think I want to have Jewish kids, but I know Dan's not into that idea. He doesn't want to adopt either, but that's always been a dream of mine. *sigh* Not that I could even support myself. Mom asked if I wanted to look at apartments. Not in this area, not on my salary. Again, I wanted to move. Those plans have ended. *sigh* I saw some students, but no one I would really have loved to see. Mentors and such. No one to show my tattoo to. That was the first time I've been in a temple or my Temple since I got it done. Vanessa didn't come home with us, which is a blessing. It feels really pathetic, weeping naked in a steamy room. *sigh* feeling unwelcome in your own house sucks, and I didn't even have to come out or what not to experience it.
I somehow got a semi-friend of mine kind of dumped yesterday, and we both feel awful about it. I don't know if he'll be OK. It's like Jon, but where he loves the girl. If it's not too mean for me to put it that way. He wanted to hang with me on Newbury Street. I don't know why that turned out so horribly. *sigh* I'm mad at Vanessa for stripping me day after day of the happiness that caught me unexpectedly last week.
I feel miserable. I have a headache and I'm tired and lonely. I was crying this morning before I took a shower. Vanessa has been so needlessly hostile. I know she wants her space, and I wanted to move out, but for fuck's sake, he dumped me. She needs to can it. Upon entering the service, an old friend's father said hi. He said "Oh, Shaw's gave you the day off?" First of all, I don't work mornings. Period. Secondly, of course they did, it's a high holiday. Thirdly, is that what I am now? A slave to the hours the supermarket gives me? My first service in literally a year, and you notice I'm not behind my counter in my apron, selling groceries.
I don't know what I want to do from here... This is that weird void between planes. You're not supposed to fall here from the line I started down, but here I am anyway. Where do I go now? How should I know? I think I want to have Jewish kids, but I know Dan's not into that idea. He doesn't want to adopt either, but that's always been a dream of mine. *sigh* Not that I could even support myself. Mom asked if I wanted to look at apartments. Not in this area, not on my salary. Again, I wanted to move. Those plans have ended. *sigh* I saw some students, but no one I would really have loved to see. Mentors and such. No one to show my tattoo to. That was the first time I've been in a temple or my Temple since I got it done. Vanessa didn't come home with us, which is a blessing. It feels really pathetic, weeping naked in a steamy room. *sigh* feeling unwelcome in your own house sucks, and I didn't even have to come out or what not to experience it.
I somehow got a semi-friend of mine kind of dumped yesterday, and we both feel awful about it. I don't know if he'll be OK. It's like Jon, but where he loves the girl. If it's not too mean for me to put it that way. He wanted to hang with me on Newbury Street. I don't know why that turned out so horribly. *sigh* I'm mad at Vanessa for stripping me day after day of the happiness that caught me unexpectedly last week.