this post is allll over the place. be forewarned.
Last night I went out to dinner with some people from work. There were 8 men and 2 women (me being one of them). Usually I don't go out for dinner with coworkers at the end of the day; I just wanna go back to the hotel and catch up on LJ and watch some fannish TV and go to bed. But yesterday I thought, what the hell, it's been a while and I should socialize.
I had a miserable time. As usual. It took maybe half an hour before the conversation turned to work topics, and Christ, the LAST thing I want to talk about at the end of a 10-hour workday is the fucking job. But that wasn't the real problem. The real problem was that the men at the table were completely dominating the conversation, and ignoring me and the other woman entirely. We eventually turned to each other in exasperation and simultaneously said "here they go again!" and that's when I realized that the last time I had been out to dinner with coworkers, the boys had droned on about work for literally hours while she and I rolled our eyes at each other from across the table.
Tonight, against my better judgment, I joined a gang of coworkers in my boss's hotel room for a night of poker, Xbox, and "Office Space" on the TV. I don't play poker (not against people who are serious about it, anyway) and I don't play Xbox. But the movie sounded fun ... sort of ... and my boss was using MY personal DVD player which he had hijacked last week, so I figured at the very least I could get that back. Also there was free pizza.
8 men, plus me. There was a vague undercurrent of "what's SHE doing here?" but I can ignore that. No biggie. The movie started, and after a while most of the guys drifted off to the poker table. Several times their conversation drowned out the movie dialogue, and the two remaining guys and I had to boost the volume on the TV. Then there was a funny joke in the movie, and I laughed. Loudly. Everyone was quiet for a couple seconds, and then I was teased for the rest of the night. By everyone. "Damn, Pips, what's so funny?" "This must be her favorite movie ever!" Etc etc. Meanwhile they're enjoying their game, one guy cackling loud enough to wake the dead, and no one says a word to him. I sat on the couch for the rest of the movie, silent and self-conscious, and then I took my DVD player and left. Women should be seen and not heard, I guess.
Such little things, and you wouldn't think they would make me so unhappy, but one of the things I hate most in this world is to be stuck in a place where I'm clearly not wanted or appreciated. Here, I am neither. I am so sick of pretending to be a completely different person just to fit in. Fuck that. Why do I sit at a table with these guys, listening to their self-involved conversation, feeling invisible, and nod and smile and act like I'm interested?
When I was in India for job training, Natasha was one of my roommates. She was Ukranian-Canadian. She was sweet and lively and generous and beautiful and amazing. She loved to dance and she was almost always smiling and she had a great eye for jewelry and she wore lots of red and she gave money to every Indian beggar she passed and she saw the good in everyone and everything. She was my touchstone in an unfamiliar place, my best friend for far too short a time, and one of the most inspirational people I have ever met in my life. A couple weeks ago, I learned fourth- or fifth-hand that Natasha had resigned from the company. I asked why, and was told "She said this place was too much of a boys' club, and she didn't feel welcome." And that is a goddamn fucking shame.
Not all men are assholes. In fact, I'll be optimistic and say that a vast majority of them aren't. But these men are. Most employees of my company are assholes, come to think of it. We seem to have a talent for recruiting them. I'm wearing a t-shirt right now with the company logo and I feel queasy and ashamed.
I'm thinking of organizing a weekly Girls Night Out for the women on my project. If they're even a tenth as frustrated as I am with the social climate here, there'll be an overwhelming response.
I miss Natasha.
I had a miserable time. As usual. It took maybe half an hour before the conversation turned to work topics, and Christ, the LAST thing I want to talk about at the end of a 10-hour workday is the fucking job. But that wasn't the real problem. The real problem was that the men at the table were completely dominating the conversation, and ignoring me and the other woman entirely. We eventually turned to each other in exasperation and simultaneously said "here they go again!" and that's when I realized that the last time I had been out to dinner with coworkers, the boys had droned on about work for literally hours while she and I rolled our eyes at each other from across the table.
Tonight, against my better judgment, I joined a gang of coworkers in my boss's hotel room for a night of poker, Xbox, and "Office Space" on the TV. I don't play poker (not against people who are serious about it, anyway) and I don't play Xbox. But the movie sounded fun ... sort of ... and my boss was using MY personal DVD player which he had hijacked last week, so I figured at the very least I could get that back. Also there was free pizza.
8 men, plus me. There was a vague undercurrent of "what's SHE doing here?" but I can ignore that. No biggie. The movie started, and after a while most of the guys drifted off to the poker table. Several times their conversation drowned out the movie dialogue, and the two remaining guys and I had to boost the volume on the TV. Then there was a funny joke in the movie, and I laughed. Loudly. Everyone was quiet for a couple seconds, and then I was teased for the rest of the night. By everyone. "Damn, Pips, what's so funny?" "This must be her favorite movie ever!" Etc etc. Meanwhile they're enjoying their game, one guy cackling loud enough to wake the dead, and no one says a word to him. I sat on the couch for the rest of the movie, silent and self-conscious, and then I took my DVD player and left. Women should be seen and not heard, I guess.
Such little things, and you wouldn't think they would make me so unhappy, but one of the things I hate most in this world is to be stuck in a place where I'm clearly not wanted or appreciated. Here, I am neither. I am so sick of pretending to be a completely different person just to fit in. Fuck that. Why do I sit at a table with these guys, listening to their self-involved conversation, feeling invisible, and nod and smile and act like I'm interested?
When I was in India for job training, Natasha was one of my roommates. She was Ukranian-Canadian. She was sweet and lively and generous and beautiful and amazing. She loved to dance and she was almost always smiling and she had a great eye for jewelry and she wore lots of red and she gave money to every Indian beggar she passed and she saw the good in everyone and everything. She was my touchstone in an unfamiliar place, my best friend for far too short a time, and one of the most inspirational people I have ever met in my life. A couple weeks ago, I learned fourth- or fifth-hand that Natasha had resigned from the company. I asked why, and was told "She said this place was too much of a boys' club, and she didn't feel welcome." And that is a goddamn fucking shame.
Not all men are assholes. In fact, I'll be optimistic and say that a vast majority of them aren't. But these men are. Most employees of my company are assholes, come to think of it. We seem to have a talent for recruiting them. I'm wearing a t-shirt right now with the company logo and I feel queasy and ashamed.
I'm thinking of organizing a weekly Girls Night Out for the women on my project. If they're even a tenth as frustrated as I am with the social climate here, there'll be an overwhelming response.
I miss Natasha.