good touch/bad touch?
so i tend to be an incorrigible flirt at work -- well, every place i've worked, for what it's worth. i've been known to say that if you're not slapping ass, it's not a good day, and for the most part i stand by that. i'm pretty physically demonstrative, and i smack a lot of asses (male and female), and do lot of hugging, and to be honest do a fair amount of teasing, although most of that is vocal or in the eyes rather than physical. most of the guys i work with enjoy playing around with me, some of them more intimately than others, and it's obvious who you can mess around with and who you can't -- some are creepy pervs and i don't go there at all, some don't have a sense of limits and i tend to keep away from them, and some don't care at all and we grab one another's naughty bits and don't expect that to be anything more than it is.
today i was working with A, a young mexican coworker who i've gotten fairly close with since his girlfriend left for costa rica with his one year-old son. he and i have a great rapport, tend to be very physically affectionate, and while he stays right on the line of what i'm comfortable with, he's generally a good guy and i let him slide on it. today after much mutual ass-slapping (and generally this is back-of-hand smacking, fwiw), he pinched my ass. he's actually been doing a lot of pinching lately, and it's not gentle, and i haven't enjoyed it. i yelped, told him that was not cool, and went to serve my drinks to my table (which i had been in the middle of placing on a tray). when i came back to the server's station, he asked me if i was angry. i said no, i'm not mad, just don't do it again. he got all huffy and said if i didn't want him to play then i shouldn't play with him, and if i don't want to play then i shouldn't play at all, no more. even more awkward that this whole conversation took place in spanish, though possibly better that customers and coworkers couldn't hear.
what's wrong with playing up to accepted boundaries? why is there something wrong with me requesting that i not be touched in a specific way? i've had coworkers tell me they don't like me physically goofing around with them, and i've always honored their requests, because i don't want to be an asshole and do something that someone dislikes. but the idea that because i flirt and touch means that i have to be okay with being touched in any way, no matter how aggressive, pisses me off on so many levels. to me, it feels not that far off from a girl who makes out with a guy who then says whatever he did after couldn't be rape, because she started it. he was angry because i dared to draw a line that delineated certain actions as acceptable and others as unacceptable. why is that a problem?
one (incredibly stupid and racist in many ways) coworker who witnessed the whole thing chalked it up to the fact that A is mexican. she claims that they don't treat any of the mexican women that way, but that they think all american women are "loose" and so they can treat them like sluts. that idea makes me uncomfortable because it's so racist on both sides, the idea that it's because they're not white, and they think it's okay to treat us that way because we are white. icky feelings. by the same token, i know there are general cultural patterns as far as how men approach and interact with women. i have found that mexican men are, like many black men, much more open and aggressive with expressions of admiration and requests for contact (be that a phone number, a date, or more) than the white men i've known in my life. but even so, okay, sure, you're more vocal and maybe more physical, but how does that excuse or justify unwanted touching?
today i was working with A, a young mexican coworker who i've gotten fairly close with since his girlfriend left for costa rica with his one year-old son. he and i have a great rapport, tend to be very physically affectionate, and while he stays right on the line of what i'm comfortable with, he's generally a good guy and i let him slide on it. today after much mutual ass-slapping (and generally this is back-of-hand smacking, fwiw), he pinched my ass. he's actually been doing a lot of pinching lately, and it's not gentle, and i haven't enjoyed it. i yelped, told him that was not cool, and went to serve my drinks to my table (which i had been in the middle of placing on a tray). when i came back to the server's station, he asked me if i was angry. i said no, i'm not mad, just don't do it again. he got all huffy and said if i didn't want him to play then i shouldn't play with him, and if i don't want to play then i shouldn't play at all, no more. even more awkward that this whole conversation took place in spanish, though possibly better that customers and coworkers couldn't hear.
what's wrong with playing up to accepted boundaries? why is there something wrong with me requesting that i not be touched in a specific way? i've had coworkers tell me they don't like me physically goofing around with them, and i've always honored their requests, because i don't want to be an asshole and do something that someone dislikes. but the idea that because i flirt and touch means that i have to be okay with being touched in any way, no matter how aggressive, pisses me off on so many levels. to me, it feels not that far off from a girl who makes out with a guy who then says whatever he did after couldn't be rape, because she started it. he was angry because i dared to draw a line that delineated certain actions as acceptable and others as unacceptable. why is that a problem?
one (incredibly stupid and racist in many ways) coworker who witnessed the whole thing chalked it up to the fact that A is mexican. she claims that they don't treat any of the mexican women that way, but that they think all american women are "loose" and so they can treat them like sluts. that idea makes me uncomfortable because it's so racist on both sides, the idea that it's because they're not white, and they think it's okay to treat us that way because we are white. icky feelings. by the same token, i know there are general cultural patterns as far as how men approach and interact with women. i have found that mexican men are, like many black men, much more open and aggressive with expressions of admiration and requests for contact (be that a phone number, a date, or more) than the white men i've known in my life. but even so, okay, sure, you're more vocal and maybe more physical, but how does that excuse or justify unwanted touching?