Oh but now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they tell me that I've changed...
I hate Christmas.
I always have - even my father looked at me sadly the other day and said "...you've never really liked Christmas, have you?"
Why should I be happier just because of the date?
I came home yesterday because I couldn't handle it any more. And I've not done anything today.
I've been sort of thinking... I've got so much bigger in the last few months. So I haven't eaten today. Just thinking, if I can go a few days with no food when I've not much else to do, then I can control it when I'm busier, working and such. But I've been drinking, as per, all I seem to want to do these days.
Been considering the laxative thing too - if I'm clean inside, then it'll feel better being empty and pure.
Kind of thinking that maybe this time I'll do it, I'll make it work.
I won't, I never have, but you get nowhere by not trying.
s
Was fool enough to watch 'Love, Actually' earlier. Forgot that it ends with playing 'God Only Knows'. A song that I can't listen to any more for remembering how even my father let me down just a little bit, leaving me alone on the dance floor on my wedding day.
Burnt myself a bit the other day, but I know that starving is a better form of injury than the pain and brief release that SI gives me.
Fucked yet another stranger last weekend. Even my flatmate commented on how much fun we seemed to be having in bed in the morning (not adult fun - just a laugh). As always, thought maybe it would be a chance at something lasting, but not heard from him since. He didn't ask for my number. Didn't add me on Facebook. I was a fool to think maybe this one would be different.
Oh, jesus. No point to continuing.
I always have - even my father looked at me sadly the other day and said "...you've never really liked Christmas, have you?"
Why should I be happier just because of the date?
I came home yesterday because I couldn't handle it any more. And I've not done anything today.
I've been sort of thinking... I've got so much bigger in the last few months. So I haven't eaten today. Just thinking, if I can go a few days with no food when I've not much else to do, then I can control it when I'm busier, working and such. But I've been drinking, as per, all I seem to want to do these days.
Been considering the laxative thing too - if I'm clean inside, then it'll feel better being empty and pure.
Kind of thinking that maybe this time I'll do it, I'll make it work.
I won't, I never have, but you get nowhere by not trying.
s
Was fool enough to watch 'Love, Actually' earlier. Forgot that it ends with playing 'God Only Knows'. A song that I can't listen to any more for remembering how even my father let me down just a little bit, leaving me alone on the dance floor on my wedding day.
Burnt myself a bit the other day, but I know that starving is a better form of injury than the pain and brief release that SI gives me.
Fucked yet another stranger last weekend. Even my flatmate commented on how much fun we seemed to be having in bed in the morning (not adult fun - just a laugh). As always, thought maybe it would be a chance at something lasting, but not heard from him since. He didn't ask for my number. Didn't add me on Facebook. I was a fool to think maybe this one would be different.
Oh, jesus. No point to continuing.