(no subject)
There are some people in this world who have the profound ability to brighten another person's day. Its like they are such amazing people that it's incredible when they concentrate on you with their full attention. They don't have to pay a single compliment or say anything directly, they make you feel special just by talking to you. I don't think it's something they were born with, it's something that they grew into. There are worse aspirations in life.
As I said, today was a good day. Karista's grad party was brilliant, especially when almost everyone left and Jaron suggested that we play the race game. So politically incorrect but really really fun! When I got home I ended up going on AIM and then watching a movie with Freya.
Oh, before I forget: I LOVE YOU KIMMY. It needed to be said, because it's hard to have a long long conversation with someone. Hard but brilliant. Sometimes I think people try so hard to repress things and forget but only succeed in focusing so much on trying to forget that all they can remember is what they are trying to forget. I don't even know if that made sense, but if I were trying to forget that I'd forgotten to bring a camera to prom then every time I thought about prom or cameras or the people I'd gone to prom with, my mind would jump to the forgotten camera. The whole "don't think about pink elephants" idea. Its the exact same thing when you try to forget something. Its only when you go back and go through it all and try to remember that you even think about the good times. I think that in order for someone to hurt you enough for them to be worth forgetting, you have to have cared about them a great deal. Otherwise, who cares what they say/do/think. You forget that sort of thing naturally with time and you forget their names and faces. But someone you loved, it hurts too much to forget and too much to remember. But if you truly loved them it's worth going through the pain to get to the happy times where you started to love them. And if you have a friend to go through this with, it's easier, and it reminds you not only that you loved someone, but also that you have someone you love with you now. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that it is the people I love who can hurt me most, even just by accident. I wouldn't care if someone else walked past me, but when I care that simple act can rip a hole in my heart. Even with friends, I've found that hating someone doesn't nullify the love that you felt for them. I can hate someone so passionately and want to make their life hell, want to drive them crazy, make them feel a tiny bit of the pain I've felt just on the off chance that it might make me hurt just a little bit less but that doesn't change the fact that when I see them cry or in pain, my heart skips a beat and not happily. Even if I can't or won't go to that person in pain, I can't leave them alone either. You can love someone and hate them at the same time, and sometimes I'm not sure if the two are inseparable. I take shit from people I care about that I wouldn't let anyone else get away with a fraction of it. And it certainly isn't because I don't feel it. This all sounds so depressing but strangely I'm not depressed. It's like practicing or studying or learning or working... its the pain that makes the joy sweeter and it's the fact that you can love them even as they hurt you that makes you hold back, bite your tongue, smile, and keep walking. And some deep part of you is happy to do it. It's like some self-serving joy that you get from sacrificing something for someone else, that little proof in your own mind that you do love them and you do care for them.
That's all become very deep and very non-livejournal-ly as far as I've read livejournals but hey, I am what I am. And if a simple hello from someone can make me remember all this, think of all this, and make me happy to be alive and to know that I am living, then I think there are worse things I could do than get all hyped up and type it out for anyone who cares to to read.
Tonight, I'm glad to be alive.
As I said, today was a good day. Karista's grad party was brilliant, especially when almost everyone left and Jaron suggested that we play the race game. So politically incorrect but really really fun! When I got home I ended up going on AIM and then watching a movie with Freya.
Oh, before I forget: I LOVE YOU KIMMY. It needed to be said, because it's hard to have a long long conversation with someone. Hard but brilliant. Sometimes I think people try so hard to repress things and forget but only succeed in focusing so much on trying to forget that all they can remember is what they are trying to forget. I don't even know if that made sense, but if I were trying to forget that I'd forgotten to bring a camera to prom then every time I thought about prom or cameras or the people I'd gone to prom with, my mind would jump to the forgotten camera. The whole "don't think about pink elephants" idea. Its the exact same thing when you try to forget something. Its only when you go back and go through it all and try to remember that you even think about the good times. I think that in order for someone to hurt you enough for them to be worth forgetting, you have to have cared about them a great deal. Otherwise, who cares what they say/do/think. You forget that sort of thing naturally with time and you forget their names and faces. But someone you loved, it hurts too much to forget and too much to remember. But if you truly loved them it's worth going through the pain to get to the happy times where you started to love them. And if you have a friend to go through this with, it's easier, and it reminds you not only that you loved someone, but also that you have someone you love with you now. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that it is the people I love who can hurt me most, even just by accident. I wouldn't care if someone else walked past me, but when I care that simple act can rip a hole in my heart. Even with friends, I've found that hating someone doesn't nullify the love that you felt for them. I can hate someone so passionately and want to make their life hell, want to drive them crazy, make them feel a tiny bit of the pain I've felt just on the off chance that it might make me hurt just a little bit less but that doesn't change the fact that when I see them cry or in pain, my heart skips a beat and not happily. Even if I can't or won't go to that person in pain, I can't leave them alone either. You can love someone and hate them at the same time, and sometimes I'm not sure if the two are inseparable. I take shit from people I care about that I wouldn't let anyone else get away with a fraction of it. And it certainly isn't because I don't feel it. This all sounds so depressing but strangely I'm not depressed. It's like practicing or studying or learning or working... its the pain that makes the joy sweeter and it's the fact that you can love them even as they hurt you that makes you hold back, bite your tongue, smile, and keep walking. And some deep part of you is happy to do it. It's like some self-serving joy that you get from sacrificing something for someone else, that little proof in your own mind that you do love them and you do care for them.
That's all become very deep and very non-livejournal-ly as far as I've read livejournals but hey, I am what I am. And if a simple hello from someone can make me remember all this, think of all this, and make me happy to be alive and to know that I am living, then I think there are worse things I could do than get all hyped up and type it out for anyone who cares to to read.
Tonight, I'm glad to be alive.