here it goes!
well i have been sick with i-dont-know-what for a few days now, so hello emergency room on sunday morning. its just eating away at me, i have never had a sore throat like this before. i slept until 9 pm today! but enough for complaining...
well, school's out. all done, overwith.... i can't believe it! is this really happening? people ask me how i feel, and i have no idea how i feel... how do i feel? i don't feel anything, i don't think i have truly waken up yet.
i am headed for newfoundland on july 27. it was meant only to be a vacation, but a series of cirsumstances have led me to decide that i want to go to university there in the fall. i had early acceptance to the university, so as a last minute decision, i decided to leave.i'll probably be back for christmas and the summer, and all that good stuff.
why did i change my mind? well, to tell you the truth, i still don't know if i really want to go as much as i should. i just feel the need to get away from fort mcmurray, not the city, but the atmosphere. i need to get out and meet new friends, rekindle friendships with old ones, and to enjoy the freedom that i have worked so hard for? yes, i am only seventeen, and no i won't be a completely independant person. i mean, i will be poor, parents will need to send money, i will house with relatives, i am going to need all kinds of support. but i need to get a taste of the outside world, where im not protected so readily by those close to me. therefore, if i am not so "close" to them, they can't protect me from the harshness of the world the way they'd like. my personal life finally becomes mine and not everyone else's.
another- the past few months has been quite a learning experience for me. i made a few decisions that have resulted in problems (breakups suck). problems that i could either deal with or run from.... so i decided to run. since my decision to leave, these problems have been dealt with, causing the sun to all of a sudden peak out from behind that ugly storm cloud and brighten up my world again. many times i am tempted to stay, but i constantly remind myself that nothing stays perfect, and that i can be happy in either decision i choose for myself. yes one will be a bit harder, but i haven't figured out which of them is yet.
yes, i am scared. i am afraid of the unknown. sometimes i become excited to go to university, other times i just think about how i might get lonely. it might be hard to meet new people and make new friends, and i will have to go through a deal of effort to get anywhere with that. i am afriad of the situations i will have to face, situations that i am trying to run from. but i know that everything will turn out just fine, and i am prepared to work hard for what i want. i am prepared to make the sacrifices in my life that i should have made a long time ago. i am prepared to make a difference. maybe it's good that i am writing this here, so that when i look back on it in times of uneasiness, it will serve as a good reminder of who i am and what i have done.
finally, i feel a sudden charge to get on with my life. i wanted to work and "relax" for a year, not having to worry about school exams and papers. but my problem has always been commitment, procrastination, and then everything is piled up and left to the last minute, causing me to be overwhelmed with stress and emotion. now i realize, this summer is sufficient time to relax, i would get bored not going to school. i want to do all sorts of travelling and crazy things, but who said i had to do it now? it's sad that i have waited so long to realize this, and i wish that people hadn't just agreed with my first decision to take a year off just to make me happy. (parents don't count).. but this is no one else's fault, it's mine.
there are many more reasons why i should leave, but i know i am making the right decision. im not just leaving to escape, but rather to move on with my life and advance forward. time stops for no one, and as much as i find it hard to face the reality that im not as young as i once was, i might as well face it and do something about it. no one ever got anywhere by sitting on their ass and pondering all day. i need to take some action. i've kinda been like Hamlet, if you know what i mean. i need to fix that. in a way, i kind of have. i've finally taken the initiative to not care what people think of me and deal with things that need to be dealt with. situations that i do not regret being a part of, and in trying to fix them. i know that i have done nothing wrong, and however it is percieved is entirely up to the rest of you. but im not on here to scream at the world about how "right" i am. i am hear to share how i feel, not what i know.
i am really going to miss things here. im going to miss cute little chelsa... sniff, punkin... and all the fun memories. i am going to miss heading out for slurpies and talking about everything on our minds. you have been the one person i have completely trusted in this city! just, i do trust my church friends... but not in the way i'd like. chels just knows me so well, she's observative and thoughtful and... caring. she knows me in all the ups and downs, and i am never judged for it. i love talking about crazy stupid things with her, that really arent "properly" discussed, and not worrying about my choice of topic, especially not worrying about my choice of trust. chels, i consider you such a good friend... i consider you my best friend. it's easy to say we have many "good friends", but i know you are my best friend- you need one of those wherever you go. and in fort mcmurray, you are mine.
and yes, we are going to have to go park down by the river on a hot day, with our feet hanging out the window in dirty little flip-flops eating sunflower seeds, maybe throwing them to the birds. quietly listening to the radio and laughing subtly about past memories and current jokes, or maybe just not talking at all and observing the scenery. or perhaps concentrating on getting that miniscule seed out of its protective, annoyance of a coating. im glad that i have had someone to help over that past years, and someone to help me. at first i didn't ever think we could be good friends- its funny how things turn out eh? i thought we had nothing in common.... boy, i was wrong. we are still very different people, but also very much the same. we just have a vast many ways of showing it. lol
i am going to miss the good ol' chem classes with keri, and getting her in trouble for the things that i've done. making fun of her becuase we are both sluts. i am going to miss not being the only blonde one, and just being naturally stupid and not caring. i am going to miss making fun of all the walking cliche's inhabiting our school, and skipping out on as many assemblies as we could. i am going to miss trying to kick your ass and punching the ever-so-sensitive boob spot and really hurting my hand instead (it was worth the effort)... they were just always there- only you, keri, only you.... i am going to miss screaming "YEILD!" in the middle of the hallway in front of about 200 people when no one would get out of the fricken way! and i am never going to forget the time we got stoned on your roof- while i am still pretty sure you stole my alphagetties and put chicken soup on the counter indstead. i am going to miss talking like skanks when, in reality, we were nothing of the sort. i am going to miss joking about dumb things and not worrying about anyone taking them seriously.
all of you: i am going to miss running to quick stop in minus forty and high winds biting our face just to get a corn dog, which was always cold by the time we got back to the school. i am going to miss listening to punk in terri's car, especially "i hate you" by wizo, and everyone just stopping for a second and then letting out a sigh of relief and laughter. i am going to miss taking the bus just for the hell of it, and me or keri losing something on it practically every time. i am going to miss the adventures we had after the discovery of my kleptmaniacy- the constant fear and paranoia, then comical laughter and relief...i was always glad i could trust you.
guys, i had never held any grudges. however you go about dealing with things is entirely your business. i know exactly how it happened, and it doesn't bother me. i guess this is just the way it is, i let go of it along time ago. i forgive you for what was said, though i wouldn't have exactly posted it on the internet. but however you see fit to deal with the situation is your choice, and im sure you know whats best for you. just know that im always here, and im never going to use anything against you. im sorry that things were percieved as they were. i know you think im being all "high and mighty", and that me saying all this nice stuff is probably eating away at you..... but its true. i was not offensive, nor arrogant, instigating, nor rude. i was being a friend who finally decided to take some action and save a friendship that i at last saw wasting away, at the only time i could see fit, it was not planned... im sorry things turned out this way. i would rather not say all this on here, but i guess life requires that we swallow our pride sometime or another.
terri: it would never be easy to try and forget you. i am going to miss always finding out something crazy about you and your family- things i never dreamt of hearing or seeing. i am never going to forget sleeping over at your house and waking up to your mother stroking my face and kissing it, "wake up terri, wake up sleepy head. come one sweetie..... hold on, wait a minute..... oh my god!! terri, you have a rash on your face!!" (oh the joy of freckles)... how could i forget the raft? one day, you go outside and say "i am going to build a raft". so you dig out so old wood from under your deck, spend all your money on rope and nails and glue and hammers, and then lie to a major constuction company, getting them to drop off 6 old oil barrels to your house, free of charge (those idiots, it was august. who the hell has to do a school project in august?) i mean... who does that?? you had a giant raft covering your whole backyard, which you were going to transport down to the river god-knows-how! i am never going to forget watching you treat people like you loved everything about them, and then in their process of turning around, your hand was in the air: in the middle of it, one single finger shot up like a single blade of grass in a rapid, millasecond spring. we love the middle finger... and ill definitely never forget sitting in art class, when you all of a sudden announce "DO YOU GUYS MASTERBATE?", and a crowd of students suddenly goes quiet and turns around staring at us...i just sank down in my chair then, trying not to be embarrassed, trying to pretend you hadn't just said that... hell, it was funny...
my wish for you guys: dont ever hold back, be true to yourself, dont change yourself to please other people, dont doubt yourself, love yourself so that you can love other people even more, dont only do things to make yourself happy, but serve others as you would like to be served, never care what others think, dont let anyone else bring you down, be strong and allow others to help you (cause we cant always be strong by ourselves), in hard times be thankful for all the good (that you are still alive, perhaps), never take other people for granted, love as many people as you can (cause hating never makes one happy), and never stray far from those you love, cause they might not be there the next time you need them (parents, perhaps), dont hang on to unhappy thoughts or they will dwell on you... maybe ill think of more stuff later...
"Come to the edge," I said.
"No, we're afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"No...We're afraid. We'll fall."
"Come to the edge," I said again.
And they came.
And I pushed them.
And they flew.
-Sigourney Weaver
~bye bye everyone, ill post more later. i love you all.
-Robyn
well, school's out. all done, overwith.... i can't believe it! is this really happening? people ask me how i feel, and i have no idea how i feel... how do i feel? i don't feel anything, i don't think i have truly waken up yet.
i am headed for newfoundland on july 27. it was meant only to be a vacation, but a series of cirsumstances have led me to decide that i want to go to university there in the fall. i had early acceptance to the university, so as a last minute decision, i decided to leave.i'll probably be back for christmas and the summer, and all that good stuff.
why did i change my mind? well, to tell you the truth, i still don't know if i really want to go as much as i should. i just feel the need to get away from fort mcmurray, not the city, but the atmosphere. i need to get out and meet new friends, rekindle friendships with old ones, and to enjoy the freedom that i have worked so hard for? yes, i am only seventeen, and no i won't be a completely independant person. i mean, i will be poor, parents will need to send money, i will house with relatives, i am going to need all kinds of support. but i need to get a taste of the outside world, where im not protected so readily by those close to me. therefore, if i am not so "close" to them, they can't protect me from the harshness of the world the way they'd like. my personal life finally becomes mine and not everyone else's.
another- the past few months has been quite a learning experience for me. i made a few decisions that have resulted in problems (breakups suck). problems that i could either deal with or run from.... so i decided to run. since my decision to leave, these problems have been dealt with, causing the sun to all of a sudden peak out from behind that ugly storm cloud and brighten up my world again. many times i am tempted to stay, but i constantly remind myself that nothing stays perfect, and that i can be happy in either decision i choose for myself. yes one will be a bit harder, but i haven't figured out which of them is yet.
yes, i am scared. i am afraid of the unknown. sometimes i become excited to go to university, other times i just think about how i might get lonely. it might be hard to meet new people and make new friends, and i will have to go through a deal of effort to get anywhere with that. i am afriad of the situations i will have to face, situations that i am trying to run from. but i know that everything will turn out just fine, and i am prepared to work hard for what i want. i am prepared to make the sacrifices in my life that i should have made a long time ago. i am prepared to make a difference. maybe it's good that i am writing this here, so that when i look back on it in times of uneasiness, it will serve as a good reminder of who i am and what i have done.
finally, i feel a sudden charge to get on with my life. i wanted to work and "relax" for a year, not having to worry about school exams and papers. but my problem has always been commitment, procrastination, and then everything is piled up and left to the last minute, causing me to be overwhelmed with stress and emotion. now i realize, this summer is sufficient time to relax, i would get bored not going to school. i want to do all sorts of travelling and crazy things, but who said i had to do it now? it's sad that i have waited so long to realize this, and i wish that people hadn't just agreed with my first decision to take a year off just to make me happy. (parents don't count).. but this is no one else's fault, it's mine.
there are many more reasons why i should leave, but i know i am making the right decision. im not just leaving to escape, but rather to move on with my life and advance forward. time stops for no one, and as much as i find it hard to face the reality that im not as young as i once was, i might as well face it and do something about it. no one ever got anywhere by sitting on their ass and pondering all day. i need to take some action. i've kinda been like Hamlet, if you know what i mean. i need to fix that. in a way, i kind of have. i've finally taken the initiative to not care what people think of me and deal with things that need to be dealt with. situations that i do not regret being a part of, and in trying to fix them. i know that i have done nothing wrong, and however it is percieved is entirely up to the rest of you. but im not on here to scream at the world about how "right" i am. i am hear to share how i feel, not what i know.
i am really going to miss things here. im going to miss cute little chelsa... sniff, punkin... and all the fun memories. i am going to miss heading out for slurpies and talking about everything on our minds. you have been the one person i have completely trusted in this city! just, i do trust my church friends... but not in the way i'd like. chels just knows me so well, she's observative and thoughtful and... caring. she knows me in all the ups and downs, and i am never judged for it. i love talking about crazy stupid things with her, that really arent "properly" discussed, and not worrying about my choice of topic, especially not worrying about my choice of trust. chels, i consider you such a good friend... i consider you my best friend. it's easy to say we have many "good friends", but i know you are my best friend- you need one of those wherever you go. and in fort mcmurray, you are mine.
and yes, we are going to have to go park down by the river on a hot day, with our feet hanging out the window in dirty little flip-flops eating sunflower seeds, maybe throwing them to the birds. quietly listening to the radio and laughing subtly about past memories and current jokes, or maybe just not talking at all and observing the scenery. or perhaps concentrating on getting that miniscule seed out of its protective, annoyance of a coating. im glad that i have had someone to help over that past years, and someone to help me. at first i didn't ever think we could be good friends- its funny how things turn out eh? i thought we had nothing in common.... boy, i was wrong. we are still very different people, but also very much the same. we just have a vast many ways of showing it. lol
i am going to miss the good ol' chem classes with keri, and getting her in trouble for the things that i've done. making fun of her becuase we are both sluts. i am going to miss not being the only blonde one, and just being naturally stupid and not caring. i am going to miss making fun of all the walking cliche's inhabiting our school, and skipping out on as many assemblies as we could. i am going to miss trying to kick your ass and punching the ever-so-sensitive boob spot and really hurting my hand instead (it was worth the effort)... they were just always there- only you, keri, only you.... i am going to miss screaming "YEILD!" in the middle of the hallway in front of about 200 people when no one would get out of the fricken way! and i am never going to forget the time we got stoned on your roof- while i am still pretty sure you stole my alphagetties and put chicken soup on the counter indstead. i am going to miss talking like skanks when, in reality, we were nothing of the sort. i am going to miss joking about dumb things and not worrying about anyone taking them seriously.
all of you: i am going to miss running to quick stop in minus forty and high winds biting our face just to get a corn dog, which was always cold by the time we got back to the school. i am going to miss listening to punk in terri's car, especially "i hate you" by wizo, and everyone just stopping for a second and then letting out a sigh of relief and laughter. i am going to miss taking the bus just for the hell of it, and me or keri losing something on it practically every time. i am going to miss the adventures we had after the discovery of my kleptmaniacy- the constant fear and paranoia, then comical laughter and relief...i was always glad i could trust you.
guys, i had never held any grudges. however you go about dealing with things is entirely your business. i know exactly how it happened, and it doesn't bother me. i guess this is just the way it is, i let go of it along time ago. i forgive you for what was said, though i wouldn't have exactly posted it on the internet. but however you see fit to deal with the situation is your choice, and im sure you know whats best for you. just know that im always here, and im never going to use anything against you. im sorry that things were percieved as they were. i know you think im being all "high and mighty", and that me saying all this nice stuff is probably eating away at you..... but its true. i was not offensive, nor arrogant, instigating, nor rude. i was being a friend who finally decided to take some action and save a friendship that i at last saw wasting away, at the only time i could see fit, it was not planned... im sorry things turned out this way. i would rather not say all this on here, but i guess life requires that we swallow our pride sometime or another.
terri: it would never be easy to try and forget you. i am going to miss always finding out something crazy about you and your family- things i never dreamt of hearing or seeing. i am never going to forget sleeping over at your house and waking up to your mother stroking my face and kissing it, "wake up terri, wake up sleepy head. come one sweetie..... hold on, wait a minute..... oh my god!! terri, you have a rash on your face!!" (oh the joy of freckles)... how could i forget the raft? one day, you go outside and say "i am going to build a raft". so you dig out so old wood from under your deck, spend all your money on rope and nails and glue and hammers, and then lie to a major constuction company, getting them to drop off 6 old oil barrels to your house, free of charge (those idiots, it was august. who the hell has to do a school project in august?) i mean... who does that?? you had a giant raft covering your whole backyard, which you were going to transport down to the river god-knows-how! i am never going to forget watching you treat people like you loved everything about them, and then in their process of turning around, your hand was in the air: in the middle of it, one single finger shot up like a single blade of grass in a rapid, millasecond spring. we love the middle finger... and ill definitely never forget sitting in art class, when you all of a sudden announce "DO YOU GUYS MASTERBATE?", and a crowd of students suddenly goes quiet and turns around staring at us...i just sank down in my chair then, trying not to be embarrassed, trying to pretend you hadn't just said that... hell, it was funny...
my wish for you guys: dont ever hold back, be true to yourself, dont change yourself to please other people, dont doubt yourself, love yourself so that you can love other people even more, dont only do things to make yourself happy, but serve others as you would like to be served, never care what others think, dont let anyone else bring you down, be strong and allow others to help you (cause we cant always be strong by ourselves), in hard times be thankful for all the good (that you are still alive, perhaps), never take other people for granted, love as many people as you can (cause hating never makes one happy), and never stray far from those you love, cause they might not be there the next time you need them (parents, perhaps), dont hang on to unhappy thoughts or they will dwell on you... maybe ill think of more stuff later...
"Come to the edge," I said.
"No, we're afraid."
"Come to the edge."
"No...We're afraid. We'll fall."
"Come to the edge," I said again.
And they came.
And I pushed them.
And they flew.
-Sigourney Weaver
~bye bye everyone, ill post more later. i love you all.
-Robyn