(no subject)
i have nowhere in particular to live next month, so i've decided to go to scotland. in search of adventure.
i hope my life feels real again someday, but for now it's all about distractions. when your worst nightmare comes true there is nothing left to fear. the only thing i'm scared of is living too long. without her. for a while i was able to be positive, but i'm afraid i've lost all hope for my own protection. over six months without a word. without an embrace. she has been unresponsive now for a fifth of our relationship. how can i not feel crazy? i feel like i made up our old life cause there's no one here who was witness to it. i feel so disconnected. i want to be punched in the face to feel something. i want someone to make me swoon to know that i still can. i just want to feel something other than disconnected resignation. not broken but pulverized heart. always on the verge of tears, but they don't seem like a worthy representation of the pain.
i am becoming/going to become something amazing. so that if she does wake up she will fall even more in love with me. and if she doesn't and there is any kind of afterlife i want her to be proud of me. i wish this was over.
"i have been skinned alive...but who knows, maybe i will grow another skin, maybe one more beautiful."
p.s. i fell down a flight of stairs and smashed my phone in two so i have no one's phone numbers. please comment or e-mail me your digits. yesterday nathan and i stumbled across a huge anime convention. thousands of junior high and old peeps in elaborate costumes with fake weapons. it was surreal.
i hope my life feels real again someday, but for now it's all about distractions. when your worst nightmare comes true there is nothing left to fear. the only thing i'm scared of is living too long. without her. for a while i was able to be positive, but i'm afraid i've lost all hope for my own protection. over six months without a word. without an embrace. she has been unresponsive now for a fifth of our relationship. how can i not feel crazy? i feel like i made up our old life cause there's no one here who was witness to it. i feel so disconnected. i want to be punched in the face to feel something. i want someone to make me swoon to know that i still can. i just want to feel something other than disconnected resignation. not broken but pulverized heart. always on the verge of tears, but they don't seem like a worthy representation of the pain.
i am becoming/going to become something amazing. so that if she does wake up she will fall even more in love with me. and if she doesn't and there is any kind of afterlife i want her to be proud of me. i wish this was over.
"i have been skinned alive...but who knows, maybe i will grow another skin, maybe one more beautiful."
p.s. i fell down a flight of stairs and smashed my phone in two so i have no one's phone numbers. please comment or e-mail me your digits. yesterday nathan and i stumbled across a huge anime convention. thousands of junior high and old peeps in elaborate costumes with fake weapons. it was surreal.