M-Preg Part 2/3
Title: As Conventional A Family As Possible
Summary:Rachel Rathaway desperately wants to be a grandmother. Unfortunately for James, Piper underestimated the level of desperation.
Characters: Piper/Trickster, Rachel, Wally/Linda, Dr. Kendra, Osgood, Jerrie, Baby
Author's Notes: AU fic (obviously, given the subject matter) set hazily somewhere around William Messner-Loebs' and Mark Waid's runs. This part's a bit syrup-y.
SOME WEEKS (AND FOUR LUNCHDATES) LATER…
“You know what Pookie, maybe I’d better skip out on the ice-cream today.”
“It’s almost triple digits. I think going out for ice cream’s a good plan,” Piper commented. He was in the bedroom brushing his hair out, while James was getting ready in the bathroom with the door open.
James poked at his stomach. “Yeah, but I’m getting fat. Or maybe I’m just bloated or something. Is it normal to bloat when it’s hot out?”
Piper shrugged, then realized that James wasn’t looking at him. “I’m not sure. Anyway, you’re not fat, now let’s get going.”
“I told you, I don’t want to go!”
“Well then you can watch me eat ice cream. James, it’s disgusting in here. I’m not staying in the house while the air conditioner’s broken.”
“Fine.” Sulking, James left the bathroom in his boxers. He chucked the pair of jeans he’d been trying to change into on the floor and started rifling through the dresser.
Piper picked up the discarded jeans and examined them. ‘They’re not even his skinny jeans…’
“James, are you okay?”
“Yeah…just wondering why the hell my clothes aren’t fitting.”
Piper studied him for a moment. “Look, you’re not fat, you’ve just got a bit of a tummy. We’re getting older, it happens. I promise you, you’re still sexy. Now will you please go out for ice cream with me?”
James pulled on a pair of old sweatpants with a resigned sigh. “Yeah, yeah. But we need to swing by the store and buy some new clothes. Your sweats are all grey and green and boring.”
“I’m sorry my scrubby clothes aren’t to your liking.” Piper started for the bedroom door and stopped when he noticed James wasn’t following. Now he was getting impatient. He turned around to yell at his boyfriend, but stopped when he saw James curled into a fetal position on the bed.
Piper sat down next to him and started stroking back his hair. “James, what’s wrong?”
“I dunno, I just feel like shit all of a sudden.”
“Emotionally or physically?” Piper asked.
“Both. You should just go without me so I don’t drag you down. I’ll hang in and fix the air conditioner when I stop feeling like ass.”
Piper curled up next to him and wrapped his arms around James. “That doesn’t sound like much fun. I wanted to spend time with you.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not much fun right now. Sorry I’ve been so whiny lately.”
“It’s alright, you’ve certainly put up with worse from me.” Besides, the cuddling was nice. Slowly, James relaxed, and shifted so that he was holding Piper. Piper nuzzled into James’ chest, contenting himself with cuddles and a nap instead of ice cream and the park, when he noticed something…
He was hearing two heartbeats.
Piper shot up out of bed and jumped across the room, gaping at James. “What the-why in the-WHAT THE FUCK?!”
“Piper, baby, you’re acting kinda crazy right now and it’s really freaking me out…” James said slowly, holding up his hands disarmingly, faced scrunched up in confusion.
“There’s a heartbeat coming from your stomach! James, there’s-THERE’S SOMETHING ALIVE INSIDE YOU!!”
James looked down at his bloated stomach, and then started screaming.
LATER
“Hi Kendra. Thanks for coming out.”
The pretty crime doctor had a very unbecoming scowl on her face. The last time she’d been in the twin cities she’d left under less than ideal, Rogue-related circumstances. But she’d always liked Piper, and so with the reassurance that he and James were no longer Rogues (and the promise of a fat paycheck) she’d agreed to do a house call on one of her former clients.
“So where’s James?”
“Upstairs in the bedroom. He’s, er…well I freaked him out a little. When I left the room he was rocking himself in the corner sobbing.”
Kendra shook her head. “You boys always make things interesting. Alright, since you’ve just admitted you’ve been agitating my patient, would you mind waiting down here sweetie? Thank you.”
Piper paced in the hallway for a few minutes, then went into the kitchen and paced in there. He had no idea what was going on, but was confident in Kendra’s ability to figure it out.
After about ten minutes she came back downstairs and Piper ambushed her in the hallway. “I’m just getting something from the car. Hon, calm down. I’m pretty sure James is fine, and after I do one last test, I’ll let you come in, okay?”
“Al-alright.” Despite the reassurance, Piper was still worried.
The test only took another ten minutes, but to Piper it felt like hours. Kendra poked her head out the bedroom door to see Piper sitting across from her wringing his hands. “Come on in Piper. I’ve got news for you guys.”
Piper sat down next to James on the bed and squeezed his hand. He was pale and shaky, looking about how Piper felt.
Kendra, at least, was smiling.
“So what’s going on? Is it a sentient alien tumor? A massive parasite?” James asked.
“In a manner of speaking,” Kendra said, trying not to giggle. James glared at her. “Sorry, that was unprofessional. Well, damned if I know how this happened, but congratulations are in order. James, you’re pregnant. Just shy of three months, if I’m not mistaken.”
“Wait, what?” James asked. Piper had gone silent with shock. “How could I possibly be pregnant?”
“I’m not sure, but you most definitely are. Now, there are some things you’re going to need to check into. A male body obviously isn’t capable of carrying a child, but since the baby’s already gotten as big as it has, you’ve probably spontaneously developed a womb and all the other internal equipment you need. If you haven’t, you’ll need some superscience help protecting the baby. I’m sorry, I’m assuming you want to keep it. Did you want me to terminate the pregnancy?”
“Yes, of course!” Piper yelled instinctually.
James put his hands over his stomach and pulled away. “We could talk about this first you know.”
“What? James, you’re a man! Getting pregnant was obviously some kind of freak mistake. You don’t really want to carry a baby, do you?”
“I don’t want to kill my child either!”
“…our child, you mean?” Piper asked in a small voice.
“Alright, well if you boys are keeping the baby then like I said, James, you’ll need a checkup from someone better equipped to deal with this. Preferably before the nine months are over,” Kendra said with a sweet smile. “After all, the baby’s got to come out somewhere, and nature didn’t equip you with the necessary parts for the job.”
It shouldn’t have been possible, but James managed to pale further. “Can’t I get a C-section?”
“Of course you can sweetie. I just don’t think I’ll ever get the opportunity to tease a man with this again,” Kendra said, winking at them. “So here’s a referral to the nearest branch of STAR labs,” She handed James a business card and a note, “And I’ll be on my way then. Take care boys.”
“Bye Kendra.”
“Will you please stop laughing? It’s really not funny.”
Wally didn’t bother trying to contain his mirth until his girlfriend whapped him upside the head. “Ow! You didn’t have to hit me…”
“Piper and James asked you to stop laughing three times now, so yes, I did.” Linda turned to face their friends. “So how do we feel about this? Other than embarrassed, I mean. You’re keeping the baby?”
James nodded. “Yup. Apparently we both wanted kids eventually anyway, so we’re just gonna roll with it and try to see it as a good thing.” James shot a warning look at Wally. “Still weirded out and sensitive though, so watch it Flashy-pants.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Wally grumbled.
Linda traded a look with Piper. He arched an eyebrow and shook his head, and she rolled her eyes.
“So since we’re not exactly thrilled with the circumstances, we’re going to try to keep things secretive. The guys at STAR labs are hooking us up with a room on the premises, and we’re planning to show up after the six months with a baby and act like we adopted,” Piper explained. “You’re cool keeping our secret, right?”
“Of course,” Wally readily agreed. “Did you figure out how James got knocked up yet? It’s not contagious, right?” He looked genuinely concerned about that, while Linda looked an inch from a cackle.
“No, we’re still friggin’ clueless,” James admitted. “But there are interns at STAR competing for the privilege of studying me.”
Wally smirked, and this time Piper whapped him. “Ow! I wasn’t going to say anything! Jeeze, you guys all think the worst of me, don’t you?”
“You laughed for almost five straight minutes. Yes, frankly I do,” James snapped. “It really is weird timing though, the whole pregnancy thing. I mean, I’ve started hanging out with Piper’s mom a little, and she’s the one who got me thinking about having kids to begin with.”
Piper’s eyes widened. He jumped up and fished his phone out of his pocket. “She wouldn’t!”
“Piper, are you okay?” Wally asked.
“She did it! I don’t know how, I barely understand why, but my mother is the reason you’re pregnant!” Piper yelled.
James gaped at him. “How?”
“I don’t know! But I warned you! She’s a devious, manipulative woman and she doesn’t care what happens to other people if they’re in the way of something she wants! I’ll bet you anything, she’s the reason you’re pregnant!” He stormed out of the room for what was sure to be an awkward phone call.
“Well really dear, I think you’re trying to take this in the worst way possible…of course that doesn’t sound like an apology, because I’m not apologizing…come now darling, James even admitted to me that he wanted children, but he wasn’t sure if you’d be able to manage an adoption with your criminal histories…I know, but surrogacy isn’t exactly ideal. This way the baby will really be both of yours…Yes, I know it’s uncomfortable for James, but really it wasn’t exactly pleasant for me-yes of course, carrying and birthing you was one of the worst experiences of my life! H-hello? Huh. Wherever did that boy learn his manners? It certainly wasn’t from me.”
Piper walked into the room at STAR with a bag brimming with every kind of junk food he ever remembered seeing James with. His boyfriend was sitting up in bed, reading a pregnancy book.
“Hey Pookie. Looks like the feet swelling thing is gonna stick around for the rest of the pregnancy. Can you pick me up some comfy slippers the next time you’re out?”
“Sure. You’re doing better with the morning sickness though, right?”
“Yep.”
“God, I can’t believe I’m having this conversation. James, I’m so, so sorry.”
“Don’t be, it’s not your fault your mom’s crazy. You did try to warn me.” James frowned. “I thought the worst that could happen was head games.”
Piper laughed bitterly. “Me too. I really didn’t see this coming.” He started putting away the junk food. James caught sight of the ice cream.
“You wanna pass that along? No need to scoop it out into a bowl, just give me the pint and a spoon. So yeah, anyway, I am so never taking that woman out for lunch again, no matter how charming a companion she is.”
“And we’re never letting her near the baby.”
“Well that’s a bit much, don’t you think?” James asked.
Piper narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “How do you figure? She obviously doesn’t have respect for peoples’ feelings or a sense of proper boundaries.”
“Yeah, but I don’t talk to my folks. And despite this,” He waved at his pregnant belly, “My parents are actually more dangerous to a child’s well being. Yours didn’t drop you from dangerous heights on a regular basis. I’d like our baby to have one set of grandparents they can interact with.”
“My parents never dropped me from a tightrope, but they did carve up my ears, put enough pressure on me to drive most angsty teens to suicide, and, oh yeah, impregnated my boyfriend. We’ll find the baby a nice, safe set of surrogate grandparents. Wally always says good things about the Garricks. I think we should make an effort to be more friendly with them.”
“Hm. I’ll bake them a casserole. Any thoughts on baby names?”
“I like Melodie for a girl.”
“You would. I was thinking Trixie.”
“Come on, Melodie’s at least pretty.”
“And Trixie isn’t?”
During the eighth month, James came back from a checkup at the lab to find his room decked out in pastel streamers. He stood in the doorway and blinked a few times, then collapsed onto the couch.
A few minutes later he heard Linda and Piper arguing with each other as they walked up the hall towards the room.
“That’s not the point! I really don’t think he wants a baby shower.”
“Well I don’t care. He’s getting one, pathetic thing it’s going to be with just the four of us. Now did you ask him y-”
“Shush-ssh! And no. Now when he gets back, the first word out of your mouth will not be ‘surprise’. It will be some variation on ‘blame me, not Piper’.”
“Alright sweetie. Oh hi James. Surprise! Blame me, not Piper,” Linda said, noticing him glowering at her from the couch.
“He’s right. I don’t want a baby shower.”
“Come on, it’s just me and Wally and Piper. We’ve got cake and presents, it’ll be fun.”
“…What kind of cake?”
Rachel couldn’t believe how thoroughly her plan had backfired on her. Proud as she was of her son’s intelligence, it really was annoying that he had noticed her hand in James’ predicament. And now the two weren’t speaking to her, and she would have a beautiful grandchild that she could never talk to. It wasn’t fair. She didn’t even know if she should be expecting a grandson or granddaughter.
Just to be safe, she’d bought them gender neutral presents in whites and yellows, and everything had been returned to the house (some with angry faces drawn in sharpie on the packages). By the time the ninth month rolled around, Rachel was getting desperate.
She knew of course that Hartley was friends with the Flash, and that the Flash was dating that reporter, Linda Park. Ergo, it was a safe bet Hartley was talking with Linda as well. So after some investigating (which was not spying or stalking, despite Osgood’s comments), she managed to figure out some of the woman’s habits. She missed her at the nail salon, but managed to catch her in line waiting for a latte.
“Oh, excuse me miss, you wouldn’t happen to be Linda Park, would you?”
“From the local news, yep.”
“My, I didn’t think it was possible, but you are prettier in life. It’s nice to meet you dear. You know, I think you may be friends with my son. Oh, pardon me, I’m Rachel Rathaway. Do you know Hartley?”
The girl smiled, with more amusement than Rachel was comfortable with. “Yep. Very good friends, actually. Good enough to know that he’s not talking to you for a reason. Nice try though.”
Fine. If she wanted to play that way, Rachel was game.
Linda was next in line at the counter, and as soon as she ordered her drink Rachel pushed in next to her, ordered her own and paid for them both. “Won’t you join me dear, or did you need that to go?”
Linda sighed. “Well since you told them ‘for here’, I guess I don’t have much of a choice.”
They sat down at a table, Linda still blatantly amused and now curious to boot, Rachel masking herself with mannered responses. No one in the café picked up on the tension between them.
“So how is Hartley? It’s been an age since I’ve seen him.”
“About six or seven months now, right?
“Five and a half.”
“Mm. Took him a bit to realize you were behind it. What you really mean is how’s James, right?”
“Yes, I had been wondering about him. He’s such a pleasant young man. Will you tell him I miss our lunch dates?”
“Sure, since you can’t tell him yourself and all.”
“Really, there’s no need to rub my face in it,” Rachel sniffed, mask starting to slip.
Linda demurely sipped her coffee. The self satisfaction gave way a little, since Rachel was displaying some human emotions. She took a little pity on her. “Everything’s going fine. The baby’s developing normally, James is perfectly healthy. Since he doesn’t have a birth canal they’re just going to do a C-section once the baby’s big enough. Should be any day now.”
“Is it a boy or a girl?” Rachel asked, completely transparent in her desire to hear about her son’s family.
“Boy. Congratulations. I’ve got to head out though. Excuse me miss, can I get this in a to-go cup? Bye Mrs. Rathaway.”
“Oh, yes, er, thank you.”
After she finished her coffee, Rachel went by the florist’s to get an arrangement of blue and white daisies. While she was writing out the card she had a thought, and excused herself to place an order to the restaurant she’d taken James to during her lunch dates with him. He’d liked the chocolate cake. She had some sent along, and then went back to the counter to pay for the flowers.
LATER THAT WEEK
“Oh my gosh Hartley, he’s beautiful!”
“Thanks. And creepily enough, he has equal parts Rathaway and Giuseppe genetics. Whatever superscientist Mompaid to do this was thorough.” Piper sat down in Wally’s living room while Linda carefully cuddled his infant son. Wally, for some reason, was rifling through the diaper bag.
“How’s James?” Linda asked.
“Crabby,” Piper answered bluntly. “But he’s already mostly got his old body back, something we’ve both been enthusiastically looking forward to. The lab techs have been really good about fixing him up, so there won’t be any lingering femininity.”
“So no lactating, huh?” Wally asked. Linda snorted.
“Happily, no. Dylan’s going to be formula fed.”
“How’d you come up with Dylan for his name anyway?” Linda asked, while she tickled the baby’s tiny little feet.
“We were arguing over names pretty constantly, then we heard Positively 4th Street on the radio, and I pitched Dylan and he didn’t hate it.” Piper shrugged.
“So babies have a lot of equipment, huh?” Wally commented, having finished his diaper bag perusal.
“Yep. At this stage it’s mostly diapers and spare outfits for when the diapers don’t do their job. Oh, and formula. Dylan likes his bottles.”
“Hm…babies are more expensive than I thought. Linda, you’re being careful about the pill, right?”
She scowled. “You’ve just ensured increased vigilance.” Her scowl melted when she looked back at the baby though. “Hello Dylan. Hello! Oh, he’s so cute! Congratulations again.”
“Thanks.”
“So when are you proposing to James?”
“Wait, what?” Wally asked, gaping at Piper. “You can do that?”
“Kind of. It’s not technically legal here-”
“Wally, before you say something irredeemably stupid, Piper and James won’t get arrested for having a marriage ceremony.”
“I know that!” Wally blurted defensively. “I’ve been friends with Piper longer than you, which is plenty long enough to get the DOMA speech. They can get ceremonially married here, but they don’t get the legal protections and benefits of a civil ceremony. Take that!”
“Alright, maybe you are worth reproducing with,” Linda teased.
“Piper, take your baby back. She’s getting ideas.”
“So…when is the question popping?” Linda asked, pointedly looking at Piper.
“Sometime after he’s back from the lab. If you don’t mind watching Dylan for a night, I want to take James someplace nice. Even if I chicken out, he deserves a nice night out to partially make up for what he’s been through.”
“Plus as soon as his body’s back to what you lust over, you want to jump him.”
“Linda, ew!” Wally yelped.
Piper ignored him. “Oh hells yes. They’ve assured me his stomach will be returned to its deliciously tight and glorious status. Not to mention his ass-”
Wally grabbed Dylan from Linda and started walking towards the kitchen. “Come on little guy, we don’t have to listen to this.”
“It’s okay hon, you can come back. We’ll behave,” Linda said around a laugh.
“Good. That is no way to talk in front of a baby.”
“Wally, he’s months and months away from having the faintest clue what we’re saying,” Piper assured him.
“Yeah yeah. By the way, am I holding him right? This is right, right? You need to support his head and everything?”
“You know James said almost the exact same thing the first time he held Dylan.”