(no subject)
It all hurts. It hurts it hurts it hurts. And I talked about it tonight. I am glad I did. But now I just keep thinking about it. About him and about it. About all the mistakes I make. I make so many of them and no one even knows half of it. All because of it. THIS ONE FUCKING THING! Do you know, when this comes into my head, how much it takes me not to crawl into a fucking hole and wither away? But I can't. I'm stronger than that. I'm the strong one. That's what Amanda always tells me. Even though she's strong too. We hold each other up. But she always tells me she doesn't understand how I can be so unbelievably strong. If I am so strong WHY THE FUCK DO I FEEL SO WEAK! I feel so weak. So small. Like crying. But I can't. There are no tears. I CAN'T.
No I am not going to sit here and say how my life is miserable. Now-a-days, my life is great. Except for memories. Of the past. All those should have, would have, could have's. All that doubting. It's too much. I am fine for the most part, but than the dreams come, and everything isn't fine no more. But I do get over it. It's just while I am not over it, I spaz. I let my mind wander, and I think about it all and it hurts.
I than look at every relationship I have been in. Everytime I have pushed a fucking guy away from me. Even when I fell "in love" I still couldn't withhold from pushing them away. I always claim I want love so bad. THAN WHY THE FUCK DO I LET IT SLIP THROUGH MY FINGERS WHEN I HAVE IT! I should have told him. It would have changed so much. He would have realized that it wasn't him. That I did trust him. That I just have issues.
I'm fine. Really I am. But this venting thing I had to do. >.
No I am not going to sit here and say how my life is miserable. Now-a-days, my life is great. Except for memories. Of the past. All those should have, would have, could have's. All that doubting. It's too much. I am fine for the most part, but than the dreams come, and everything isn't fine no more. But I do get over it. It's just while I am not over it, I spaz. I let my mind wander, and I think about it all and it hurts.
I than look at every relationship I have been in. Everytime I have pushed a fucking guy away from me. Even when I fell "in love" I still couldn't withhold from pushing them away. I always claim I want love so bad. THAN WHY THE FUCK DO I LET IT SLIP THROUGH MY FINGERS WHEN I HAVE IT! I should have told him. It would have changed so much. He would have realized that it wasn't him. That I did trust him. That I just have issues.
I'm fine. Really I am. But this venting thing I had to do. >.