Death
First of all, I really want to apologize to Brian and Lou for last night. Lars and the Real Girl IS an amazing moving, and I didn't get taken to the hospital in an ambulance just to avoid your scorn at it being a horrible movie. I hope you get a chance to see it, or at least rent it when it comes out.
I'm doing okay today, though I have a lot to think about. Last night Brian, Shizu, Lou and I decided to see the movie (2nd time for me)after about ten minutes in, I wasn't feeling so hot. At first, I thought it was an panic attack so I decided to keep sitting, breathe deeply and remind myself that it will be horrible but it will pass. There was a really funny part and when I laughed at it, pins and needles started shooting down my arms. Again, I figured it was anxiety and I continued to talk my self through it. The tingling got worse and spread up the left side of my face and into my eyes. The throbbing in my arms spread to my hands and intensified to the point that my fingers curled in on themselves and I couldn't move my fingers. It was extremely painful at that point and when I went to get up to leave, my knees became stiff and started to lock.
I've been told by numerous specialists that I am a high risk for stroke because of the severity of the Raynaud's disease, so I was worried that that's what I was experiencing. Amanda left with me to the lobby and she called home. My symptoms worsened and I asked her to call 9-1-1, despite my fear that I was overreacting. When my arms started to curl in and become rigid and my face went numb on the left side I thought "Oh my God, this could be it."
It was the scariest ordeal in my life, and I can remember coming to the suddenly horrifying realization that I am an atheist, and I was on my why to oblivion. Words cannot describe that kind of horror, and it continues to linger despite the fact that I'm feeling physically much better.
I was taken to the hospital by ambulance and when the wheeled me into the resussitation room, I was terrified. They hooked me up to monitors and covered me in warm blankets as my body continued to go into painful tremors. I was in tachycardia and they were trying to bring my heart rate back to normal. My hands were so cold that all of the colour in them had gone and they could get a proper O2 reading for quite a while. Mom and Amanda were finally allowed in and I was incredibly grateful. The doctor finally came and told me that I had experienced a bad panic attack and he gave me medication to bring my heart rate back to normal. He told me to make an appointment with my family doctor, and I saw him today.
Apparently, I had experienced a severe raynaud's attack, which then triggered a nasty panic attack. Normally, people feel pins and needles and experience numbness during a panic attack, but it was the Raynaud's attack that caused the muscles and tendons in my hands and legs to go into such extreme spasm that they contorted and twisted inward. The two conditions triggered each other in a vicious cycle and resulted in a horrible experience. He suggested that I start taking Effexor, an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medicine to prevent such an attack from happening again. He also have me Xanax in case such an attack did start again. He also mentioned that my hyperactive thyroid could also be playing a part in the triggering and the severity of the episode. In other words, it was a collection of factors that contributed to the episode.
So, what now? Well, it certainly has brought a lot of issues that I've been struggling with on some level to the surface. Someone once told me that anxiety is a symptom of change, good or bad. There are a number of things that I have been working on changing in my life, and perhaps this "moving away from the comfort of what's known" added to this event.
One thing for sure is that I realized how important other people are in my life. Usually when I'm struggling with anxiety or health issues in general, I pull away from people and isolate. This time, I allowed myself to be comforted and supported by those I love dearly and it was an amazing experience. At that moment when I thought that I was dying, All I could think about is the people in my life who I've pushed away--the people that I love who I never allowed myself to be intimate with, to allow myself to be loved back by.
Now that the episode is over and I'm alive and well, I find myself grieving for the bridges that I've burned and the opportunities that I allowed to slip away, perhaps for good. Life is short, and instead of taking advantage of the time I have and living life to the fullest I've been a prisoner in my own protective world, simply existing. Last night, I left that world and allowed myself to feel really connected to another person--to feel save and protected by the person that I love. For the first time in my life, I really understood the importance of feeling connected to another and to just exist in the moment with them.
I have a lot of work to do.
I'm doing okay today, though I have a lot to think about. Last night Brian, Shizu, Lou and I decided to see the movie (2nd time for me)after about ten minutes in, I wasn't feeling so hot. At first, I thought it was an panic attack so I decided to keep sitting, breathe deeply and remind myself that it will be horrible but it will pass. There was a really funny part and when I laughed at it, pins and needles started shooting down my arms. Again, I figured it was anxiety and I continued to talk my self through it. The tingling got worse and spread up the left side of my face and into my eyes. The throbbing in my arms spread to my hands and intensified to the point that my fingers curled in on themselves and I couldn't move my fingers. It was extremely painful at that point and when I went to get up to leave, my knees became stiff and started to lock.
I've been told by numerous specialists that I am a high risk for stroke because of the severity of the Raynaud's disease, so I was worried that that's what I was experiencing. Amanda left with me to the lobby and she called home. My symptoms worsened and I asked her to call 9-1-1, despite my fear that I was overreacting. When my arms started to curl in and become rigid and my face went numb on the left side I thought "Oh my God, this could be it."
It was the scariest ordeal in my life, and I can remember coming to the suddenly horrifying realization that I am an atheist, and I was on my why to oblivion. Words cannot describe that kind of horror, and it continues to linger despite the fact that I'm feeling physically much better.
I was taken to the hospital by ambulance and when the wheeled me into the resussitation room, I was terrified. They hooked me up to monitors and covered me in warm blankets as my body continued to go into painful tremors. I was in tachycardia and they were trying to bring my heart rate back to normal. My hands were so cold that all of the colour in them had gone and they could get a proper O2 reading for quite a while. Mom and Amanda were finally allowed in and I was incredibly grateful. The doctor finally came and told me that I had experienced a bad panic attack and he gave me medication to bring my heart rate back to normal. He told me to make an appointment with my family doctor, and I saw him today.
Apparently, I had experienced a severe raynaud's attack, which then triggered a nasty panic attack. Normally, people feel pins and needles and experience numbness during a panic attack, but it was the Raynaud's attack that caused the muscles and tendons in my hands and legs to go into such extreme spasm that they contorted and twisted inward. The two conditions triggered each other in a vicious cycle and resulted in a horrible experience. He suggested that I start taking Effexor, an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medicine to prevent such an attack from happening again. He also have me Xanax in case such an attack did start again. He also mentioned that my hyperactive thyroid could also be playing a part in the triggering and the severity of the episode. In other words, it was a collection of factors that contributed to the episode.
So, what now? Well, it certainly has brought a lot of issues that I've been struggling with on some level to the surface. Someone once told me that anxiety is a symptom of change, good or bad. There are a number of things that I have been working on changing in my life, and perhaps this "moving away from the comfort of what's known" added to this event.
One thing for sure is that I realized how important other people are in my life. Usually when I'm struggling with anxiety or health issues in general, I pull away from people and isolate. This time, I allowed myself to be comforted and supported by those I love dearly and it was an amazing experience. At that moment when I thought that I was dying, All I could think about is the people in my life who I've pushed away--the people that I love who I never allowed myself to be intimate with, to allow myself to be loved back by.
Now that the episode is over and I'm alive and well, I find myself grieving for the bridges that I've burned and the opportunities that I allowed to slip away, perhaps for good. Life is short, and instead of taking advantage of the time I have and living life to the fullest I've been a prisoner in my own protective world, simply existing. Last night, I left that world and allowed myself to feel really connected to another person--to feel save and protected by the person that I love. For the first time in my life, I really understood the importance of feeling connected to another and to just exist in the moment with them.
I have a lot of work to do.