Rant on being a (Piper-type) woman (part one, maybe)
I got into another argument, with another male friend, about the existance of, and, esentially, the role he played, in the rape culture. Right now, I'm going to take this nearly defunct space to try to work out why the conversation left me shaking and unable to talk to this friend.
Growing up, and continuing through now, I have alway had the utmost difficuly accepting "being a woman." In fact, I hated women. While this was surprising to me at first, it really shouldn't be to me, or anyone. Being a woman in society sucks. You are constantly treated like a second class citizen, your body is treated like public property, your idea are disrespected, and your understandable anger at such events is written off as histerics.
As a young girl, it's hard not to believe these things. I was a strong young girl, however, and I knew it, so I didn't believe them --- about myself. So, out of desperation to get out of the supporting actress role, I wanted to opt out. I wanted to be a "man's woman." Like I saw in society, I too hated women.
Why do they care so much about their appearance? Why would you shave your legs? Why do they write so badly? Why is everything about romance? Why do they let these men treat them that way? Why do they give away their bodies so easily and let men only care about their own sexual satisfaction? Why don't they stand up for themselves? Why are they so catty in groups? Why do women suck?
So, I, the Enlightened Woman (harhar), spent my time with men. I did not shave. I did not write badly. I did not care about "romance." I did not let men treat me that way. I did not give away my body easily. I stood up for myself. I didn't hang out with women in groups. I, tried, so so hard, to not suck. I positioned myself against women in the exact way men do. Women are the lesser, so I did not want to be one.
Instead of avoiding being treated like a woman, however, I became an active participant. In my objectification, in my sexualization, and, most often, in bashing other women, the way other women and men do ("being catty"). Though I was not aware, I was very, very complicit with the rape culture that I thought I was fighting.
While I understood some of the the problems in how people were treating me, (no mother, I did not just have sex with the two older men I've been hanging out with, they might want to be around me for other reasons. No, mother, I don't care if no one will ever want to marry me because I'm too "difficult." No, [insert man's name here] its NOT "fun" for you to try to give me a titty twister in woodshop (seriously our culture is disgusing)) I did not understand any of the problems in how I was treating other women.
I'm learning more, now, though, about what I do, and what other people do and about why I feel so angry at people sometimes, and also why that kind of anger is justified.
HOWEVER, the more I learn, and the more I try to understand what behavior deepens these social norms, the more resistance I face from those around me. Especially the males around me. Now, I am in no way trying to say men are bad. I am trying to say men tend to act DEFENSIVE. This defensiveness makes it impossible for me to ever say "Hey, this thing you're doing/saying is actually bad for women. I bet you didn't know, and I want to tell you why" because all that is heard is "you are a bad to women." But the thing is, there is no man or woman living in our society that never embodies these things. None. Not you, not me. So you have to listen. Don't tell me I'm wrong, try to understand why I feel that way.
When these men in my life, who I love very much, get defensive, it automatically puts us on opposing sides. And you, as a man, being on the oposing side of something I think is important for me as a woman, makes me trust you less. YOU, men in my life, are priviledged. Your defensiveness is an unwillingness to recognize your priviledge. This extemely sudden loss of trust is terrifying. It leaves me shaking and unable to talk to you.
Here is a really nice piece that is far more articulate than I am: http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2011/03/feminism-101-helpful-hints-for-dudes_17.html.
And if you really want to read something impactful, her post on rape culture:
http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/10/rape-culture-101.html
Growing up, and continuing through now, I have alway had the utmost difficuly accepting "being a woman." In fact, I hated women. While this was surprising to me at first, it really shouldn't be to me, or anyone. Being a woman in society sucks. You are constantly treated like a second class citizen, your body is treated like public property, your idea are disrespected, and your understandable anger at such events is written off as histerics.
As a young girl, it's hard not to believe these things. I was a strong young girl, however, and I knew it, so I didn't believe them --- about myself. So, out of desperation to get out of the supporting actress role, I wanted to opt out. I wanted to be a "man's woman." Like I saw in society, I too hated women.
Why do they care so much about their appearance? Why would you shave your legs? Why do they write so badly? Why is everything about romance? Why do they let these men treat them that way? Why do they give away their bodies so easily and let men only care about their own sexual satisfaction? Why don't they stand up for themselves? Why are they so catty in groups? Why do women suck?
So, I, the Enlightened Woman (harhar), spent my time with men. I did not shave. I did not write badly. I did not care about "romance." I did not let men treat me that way. I did not give away my body easily. I stood up for myself. I didn't hang out with women in groups. I, tried, so so hard, to not suck. I positioned myself against women in the exact way men do. Women are the lesser, so I did not want to be one.
Instead of avoiding being treated like a woman, however, I became an active participant. In my objectification, in my sexualization, and, most often, in bashing other women, the way other women and men do ("being catty"). Though I was not aware, I was very, very complicit with the rape culture that I thought I was fighting.
While I understood some of the the problems in how people were treating me, (no mother, I did not just have sex with the two older men I've been hanging out with, they might want to be around me for other reasons. No, mother, I don't care if no one will ever want to marry me because I'm too "difficult." No, [insert man's name here] its NOT "fun" for you to try to give me a titty twister in woodshop (seriously our culture is disgusing)) I did not understand any of the problems in how I was treating other women.
I'm learning more, now, though, about what I do, and what other people do and about why I feel so angry at people sometimes, and also why that kind of anger is justified.
HOWEVER, the more I learn, and the more I try to understand what behavior deepens these social norms, the more resistance I face from those around me. Especially the males around me. Now, I am in no way trying to say men are bad. I am trying to say men tend to act DEFENSIVE. This defensiveness makes it impossible for me to ever say "Hey, this thing you're doing/saying is actually bad for women. I bet you didn't know, and I want to tell you why" because all that is heard is "you are a bad to women." But the thing is, there is no man or woman living in our society that never embodies these things. None. Not you, not me. So you have to listen. Don't tell me I'm wrong, try to understand why I feel that way.
When these men in my life, who I love very much, get defensive, it automatically puts us on opposing sides. And you, as a man, being on the oposing side of something I think is important for me as a woman, makes me trust you less. YOU, men in my life, are priviledged. Your defensiveness is an unwillingness to recognize your priviledge. This extemely sudden loss of trust is terrifying. It leaves me shaking and unable to talk to you.
Here is a really nice piece that is far more articulate than I am: http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2011/03/feminism-101-helpful-hints-for-dudes_17.html.
And if you really want to read something impactful, her post on rape culture:
http://shakespearessister.blogspot.com/2009/10/rape-culture-101.html