So i got to thinking...
None of my journal entries really express much about me. It's like I just update on the past week or something? Maybe I should write how I feel.
Lately I've felt like pretty much stuck, useless, pathetic, a fuckup. Does that sum it all up?
The 2 girls who I labeled as "best friends" turned out to be people I don't know, or want to know anymore. Kami has always been self involved but I catered to her needs because I felt she was there for me through a rough period w\my ex. But once I found love with Noal she fucking couldn't handle that shit. Fucking cunt. Then Tina of course is out fucking the world and doesn't have time for the reality or truth of things. You say one word or whisper one hint of truth or reality her way and she can't be bothered by you. So much for 6 yrs of friendship. I mean I act like it doesn't bother me but when Noal isn't here to call, they would've been.. it was someone to talk to.. now I really don't have anyone.
The people I met at Lake Worth I'd like to forget. There's the select couple that I still call and meet up with once in a while but as everyone gets closer and closer to starting new lives, we all sort of drifted. I kind of think the only thing in highschool that keeps friendships together is drama. you might laugh at that but it's true. It's something to talk about. Something to keep everyone's attention on. If you think about your friendships I think you'd realize the drama holding you and that other person together. Mutual drama is all it is. It's not real friendship. I think Ive lost alot of friends because I decided to be me. To do my own thing. To forget my past with a dumb ex, a dead father, a dead grandmother, a skating life lost, a private school life gone, all the things before entering that place are gone and lingering around there only made things worse.
I don't know if my life is improving although I know Ive never been more happy now that Im with Noal. Being with someone who unconditionally loves me through the good times and bad times is a hard thing to endure. Nothing about our relationship is material. It's the real thing. There's been stupid mistakes that have tested the relationship that we were both at fault. I learned alot about how he handles situations. How differently we handle things. But at the same time we both handle things stressful the same, through anger. I hope to get the last part of the mistake handled when he gets back. I hate it still lingering over the relationship altho it really doesnt affect it negatively, there's so much more love than resentment in the relationship. Ive never had that or experienced that. My parents let resentment overtake their relationship and here I am another part of my life, 4 months from now Im facing a whole new rollercoaster ride.
The ride of do i love on my own? Do i move in with Noal? Do i move w\my mom? Live with my mom? Do I move to a diff state? Do i start beauty school? Do i work first? All these do? do? do's. And the only do I know is don't. I don't know. I don't know anything right now. Life is a scary thing, I find myself stuck in a place where I feel happiest just watching kid movies and escapnig into noal is my only thing world but me and him both have things to do, places to go, things to accomplish. together and on our own time. Ive really never invested myself so much into a guy but what can i say? he does it for me. My mom doesnt understand. some of my friedns dont understand it. But whats there to understand? I think people shuold accept instead of analyzing everyone else. Focus more on themselves. We all have so much to change. So much to correct.
Ok well Ive written enough for now, my hand hurts...maybe I'll open up more to this live journal thing, its just i notice most people usually just update or write when theyre pissed at someone and usually ends with cunt or bitch. i dont rele see much insight. ill try and keep up w\my insight. lol. good livin'!
<3,
mori
Lately I've felt like pretty much stuck, useless, pathetic, a fuckup. Does that sum it all up?
The 2 girls who I labeled as "best friends" turned out to be people I don't know, or want to know anymore. Kami has always been self involved but I catered to her needs because I felt she was there for me through a rough period w\my ex. But once I found love with Noal she fucking couldn't handle that shit. Fucking cunt. Then Tina of course is out fucking the world and doesn't have time for the reality or truth of things. You say one word or whisper one hint of truth or reality her way and she can't be bothered by you. So much for 6 yrs of friendship. I mean I act like it doesn't bother me but when Noal isn't here to call, they would've been.. it was someone to talk to.. now I really don't have anyone.
The people I met at Lake Worth I'd like to forget. There's the select couple that I still call and meet up with once in a while but as everyone gets closer and closer to starting new lives, we all sort of drifted. I kind of think the only thing in highschool that keeps friendships together is drama. you might laugh at that but it's true. It's something to talk about. Something to keep everyone's attention on. If you think about your friendships I think you'd realize the drama holding you and that other person together. Mutual drama is all it is. It's not real friendship. I think Ive lost alot of friends because I decided to be me. To do my own thing. To forget my past with a dumb ex, a dead father, a dead grandmother, a skating life lost, a private school life gone, all the things before entering that place are gone and lingering around there only made things worse.
I don't know if my life is improving although I know Ive never been more happy now that Im with Noal. Being with someone who unconditionally loves me through the good times and bad times is a hard thing to endure. Nothing about our relationship is material. It's the real thing. There's been stupid mistakes that have tested the relationship that we were both at fault. I learned alot about how he handles situations. How differently we handle things. But at the same time we both handle things stressful the same, through anger. I hope to get the last part of the mistake handled when he gets back. I hate it still lingering over the relationship altho it really doesnt affect it negatively, there's so much more love than resentment in the relationship. Ive never had that or experienced that. My parents let resentment overtake their relationship and here I am another part of my life, 4 months from now Im facing a whole new rollercoaster ride.
The ride of do i love on my own? Do i move in with Noal? Do i move w\my mom? Live with my mom? Do I move to a diff state? Do i start beauty school? Do i work first? All these do? do? do's. And the only do I know is don't. I don't know. I don't know anything right now. Life is a scary thing, I find myself stuck in a place where I feel happiest just watching kid movies and escapnig into noal is my only thing world but me and him both have things to do, places to go, things to accomplish. together and on our own time. Ive really never invested myself so much into a guy but what can i say? he does it for me. My mom doesnt understand. some of my friedns dont understand it. But whats there to understand? I think people shuold accept instead of analyzing everyone else. Focus more on themselves. We all have so much to change. So much to correct.
Ok well Ive written enough for now, my hand hurts...maybe I'll open up more to this live journal thing, its just i notice most people usually just update or write when theyre pissed at someone and usually ends with cunt or bitch. i dont rele see much insight. ill try and keep up w\my insight. lol. good livin'!
<3,
mori