Feb 01, 2004 05:25
sometimes i really wish i had no heart. i wish that i never cared...never felt. never loved. never "crushed." just be perpetually numb. sometimes i just want to breeze through life without a care in the world + for once make myself happy. while mommy + daddy always said that it's what's inside that matters...and that i have a good ♥...in this world it doesn't mean anything except that it is to make up for being so repulsive externally. and i really wish that i was numb, so i would never have to cry another tear again. i wouldn't waste another good day weeping over something i have no control over. i would never feel guilty. i would never feel sad. sometimes i never want to wake up. ever. sometimes the easy way out looks so tempting, but i know it's not my style. i have been through too much shit to just give up now, and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. i suppose i am very strong...inside. but it doesn't mean i need to be cared for. sometimes i'm tired of having this exterior of me being strong + independent when inside i'm just a big a wimp as the rest. sometimes i can be around a big group of people who are absolutely happy, and i can be smiling...but on the inside i am either crying my poor fucking heart out or i'm screaming til my voice doesn't exist anymore. and i suck it in, i hold all in, i pretend to be happy....b/c i dont want to upset people or to burden them. i dont want to be an open book. i dont want to depend on people. but i need help. i need the support. i need comfort. and i dont want to end up 45 years old depending on liquor or whatever to get me thru the night. no. so what am i wanting here? i guess a bf, but it's bad that i want a bf. i always get so distracted with them. when i'm with someone, all i want to do is have fun and be in love. love love love. is overrated? is...something i miss. true love? is something very rare. god, can i get my freaking period yet so i can stop whining?! god! i sound so annoying even to myself. but this is all i hear in my head. you need a bf, you need a man, you need love, you need this you need that. look, i dont want to need SHIT. i dont NEED. maybe i desire or want, but need.....as if i need a bf to BREATHE. to go to school. here we go, now my mood is changing again! did i ever tell anyone i have a aries sun sign but a CANCER moon sign? moon sign has to do with emotions...and i'm a cancer moon sign which is BY FAR THE MOODIEST horoscope sign EVER. i should know, my freaking brother is one. but listen to me, sad to mad, back to sad then mad back and forth over and over. i can ducktape my mouth from speaking, but the words still echo in my head. so there is no escape. speaking of horoscopes (here we go changing the mood to happy now)....says that whatever your moon sign is, is the sign you should marry/most compatable with. so....i need a cancer. NO NEED! I DONT WANT TO NEED!!! >_< eew, my brother is a cancer. yuck. versace matt is a cancer, i get along with him....but a cancer? do i really need someone moodier than me? it will be an all out brawl of emotions changing faster than the drop of a hat. scary. now i just go sleep. ugh. damn pms.