Note to self: Don't do things that feed your addiction and keep everything a secret.
Today was okay. Everything went pretty well and I cleaned my room, then I was going to clean my hamster cage, but Kayla called and I left with her. I just realized I didn't wear make up today and my face feels much more oily than it normally does. We went to Dairy Queen and I got a vanilla milkshake like I always do when I can get money or I have some with me. Then we took movies back that Erica and I watched Friday night/Saturday morning. She wanted to go to her Grandmother's house and I thought we were only going to be there for a little while and ended up staying until 6:30 then I wanted to show her a really pretty house out on Perryville road. Come to find out that she was related to the people who live there and she made us stop there and we stayed until like 8:20. I eneded up not being able to go to my dad's and my mom called and she doesn't know how to answer the phone when she's drunk because she thinks people are actually calling to talk to her. She's so retarded so then Angie didn't know if I was coming or not and my mom was like "Chelsea I don't know what's going on, Angie keeps calling, but I didn't pick up the phone because I didn't know what to say." What the hell, maybe say I'm not here right now? She's suck a fucking idiot I wish could punch her in the face and make her chug another beer to make sure she swallows all of her teeth.
Anyway, Erica came over Friday and yet again my mom pissed me off. I told her Erica was going to come over and normally she doesn't care because she just gets drunk and sits there with us, but when we came in she was already drunk because it was her day off. She just sat there and acted like Erica was the biggest freaking hasle on Earth and she said "Well you know we have to go to your grandmother's to eat right?" I mean what the fuck my grandmother doesn't care if I bring somebody over and my mom just wanted to start a fucking fight. Then she started in on me and told me I shouldn't have invited her because my grandmother doesn't like company and then I called my grandmother and she said "It's fine that your friend comes over and you don't have to eat." My mom had already called my grandmother and said that I didn't want to go over there and eat because rica was here which was a big lie. Then for the rest of the night mom was like "Well you don't have to go it doesn't matter that much." It wasn't like I didn't want to go because it was just my mom, sister, uncle, aunt, and grandmother so it's not like it mattered. I thought we weren't going at all and then all the sudden my mom said "Well you're riding with your sister later at 8 I already told you this!"
We went and ate and everything was fine, my mom was just being a stupid drunk bitch when I came home. She tried to make a big deal out of nothing like she always freaking does. Now my grandmother thinks I'm ashamed to bring my friends around my family because mom told her that I didn't want to bring Erica that night. After we ate Erica and I crocheted and then my sister took us to Blockbuster and Title Wave. We ended up getting "Rocky Horror Picture Show," "Requiem for a Dream," and "What's Eating Gilbert Grape(seed)."
When we got to my house (note I will try to never again call it "home" because I hate it here) we watched "Rocky..." and I for one thought it was a big joke. I don't understand how it promotes individualism or anything like it. The transvestite took these people off the street and tried to brainwash them into becoming something they weren't. First he took them into this shit hole with all these people dancing and shit then he came down saying how he loved being who he was. Then he took them up the elevator and created Rocky to be his sex slave. The newly wed couple had to sleep in different rooms and he went in each of their rooms and seduced them and made them do something they didn't want to do. At the end he made them like him and that does not promote individualism. It helps you understand that where ever you go there will always be some one that everyone obeys or they try to imitate. No matter where you are there is somebody who thinks the way they are is the right way and that's the way everyone should be. Call me crazy, but the whole Rocky thing isn't what I would show any one to promote individualism. I might show it if I were trying to prove how people were becoming more adapt to being called weird and were able to accept being weird and make movies about it. Or if I wanted to say that one day transvestites around the world may brainwash us and be in complete domination to the point we were their sex slaves I would us this movie to back that theory up.
After that we watched "Requiem for a Dream" which is one of my favorite movies and is the best independent movie that I have ever seen. When we were watching the last few minutes Erica started crying and so did I. It wouldn't be because the entire movie is filled with depression or anything, more because we cry about movies all the time. By the way, Harry is hot! After that was over it was about three in the morning and we had to get up earlier than eleven. At that point I didn't even care and I don't think she did either so we watched "What's Eating Gilbert Grape(seed)" and it is one of my favorite Johnny Depp movies ever. I love him... L-O-V-E him. Damn it why can't guys look like him and be like he is in movies? (Other than movies like Edward scissorhands. That would be a little odd.) I had a good time after my mom went to bed is what I'm trying to say. Which means my day wasn't bad and I didn't even care that my mom was trying to start a fight and I was able to look past it and go on. Which by the way killed her.
I wrote a poem a while back and I really liked it. Then I thought about submitting something in to see if they would put it into the school paper and I looked back over the poem. Then I started revising it and I thought it sounded good when I sent it to Mrs. Hager, but it was pretty late last night and when I read it today it didn't sound as good as I thought it did. I'm not going to post it until after the next paper comes out because I don't want you to readit before it comes out (If it's in the paper that is). Not to sound over confident or say that I'm the best damn poetry writer ever, but I did pretty good on the poem and I think it's my best poem I've ever written before. Another good thing is that I don't think they have alot of pieces being submitted so even if it isn't that good it may still be in there. I think I kind of over did it and made it sound a little to sophisticated and I like for a poem that rhymes some of the time to rhyme throughout the poem, but this one doesn't do that and it aggervates me now. Too late to change it and I don't feel like it anyway.
I'm going to Lexington to go Christmas shopping for the last time tomorrow. My sister hasn't spent much of her money and I spent like half of mine. I'll get money from my dad after Christmas and money from Maw after Christmas. My sister spent a lot of money on me this Christmas and I thought we were just going to buy each other a shirt or something and I didn't think it was that fair seeing how she's older and has a job and just got out of college so she'll start making more money than mom and I, being a jobless 15 year old, am using my money that I saved from last christmas and band competitions to buy everbody's presents. I would have been fine with just getting the shirt, but I'm glad she got me more than that. That makes me sound really selfish and you probably don't think I would have been satisfied with the shirt, but I really would have. I didn't really think anything of spending an equal amount until after she said "Hey I spent like $175 on your for you birthday and Christmas togehter."
I've yet to pick out a good new years resolution, but I think I may make a list of things I'd like to do next year. Starting with:
1)Being more optimistic about things.
2)Keeping my mouth shut about things until I get the chance to talk to the only person I actually trust most of the time.
3)Break away from that obsession.
4)Trying not to form a new obsession.
5)Being more opinionated while I can because I can't be kicked out of school for simply voicing my opinion, but I could most definately get fired when I get a job.
6)Learn to appreciate things and not to be entirely unsatisfiable.
7)Learn to stop feeling so sorry for myself all the time and realizing I have it better than some people and knowing that I can relate to other people.
8)Being a better conversationist, especially with people I'm not so close with.
9)Understanding that if I can think out loud then everyone else can and I shouldn't call them weird.
10)Being able to accpet the fact you may only get hit on a few times and not by the people you want them to be, but if pretty people are allowed to flirt then so should ugly people. Because to some people everyone is veiwed as being ugly.
11)Reading more and keeping up with school work all at the same time.
12)Not using the internet as an excuse to consume my entire day so that I don't have time to do my homework and wash my face before bed.
13)Take better care of my skin and brush and floss my teeth every night.
14)Attempt to say atleast five things nice about something everyday.
15)Stop calling Kurt a stupid idiot who wants to be just like Sean because even though nobody sees it yet they will eventually.
16)Not to call Kurt's girlfriend an idiot for going out with a stupid moron who thinks he's smart and tries his hardest to be accepted by particular people while making other people feel like shit about theirself.
17)If I do call Kurt's girlfriend an idiot then refraining from kicking her ass when she tries to say something like "We love each other and that's what matters" because in reality she has no idea who he is.
I'm going now. This has been a really long post and I've been sitting here for about an hour typing and looking around every once in a while. I didn't think I would ever really have much to say seeing how I haven't been updating big long posts like I did when I first started. I'm glad I did even if people don't like to read them and most of them don't read it at all because I know that's what I do sometimes. Or just skim through seeing if there's anything I really care to read. I also don't put pictures in here and that's what I like to look at in other people's posts and then I wonder why not many people would like to read what I write. Now I know, it's because I don't normally say much and when I end up typing a lot I still don't say very much.
Love always,
chelsea
Anyway, Erica came over Friday and yet again my mom pissed me off. I told her Erica was going to come over and normally she doesn't care because she just gets drunk and sits there with us, but when we came in she was already drunk because it was her day off. She just sat there and acted like Erica was the biggest freaking hasle on Earth and she said "Well you know we have to go to your grandmother's to eat right?" I mean what the fuck my grandmother doesn't care if I bring somebody over and my mom just wanted to start a fucking fight. Then she started in on me and told me I shouldn't have invited her because my grandmother doesn't like company and then I called my grandmother and she said "It's fine that your friend comes over and you don't have to eat." My mom had already called my grandmother and said that I didn't want to go over there and eat because rica was here which was a big lie. Then for the rest of the night mom was like "Well you don't have to go it doesn't matter that much." It wasn't like I didn't want to go because it was just my mom, sister, uncle, aunt, and grandmother so it's not like it mattered. I thought we weren't going at all and then all the sudden my mom said "Well you're riding with your sister later at 8 I already told you this!"
We went and ate and everything was fine, my mom was just being a stupid drunk bitch when I came home. She tried to make a big deal out of nothing like she always freaking does. Now my grandmother thinks I'm ashamed to bring my friends around my family because mom told her that I didn't want to bring Erica that night. After we ate Erica and I crocheted and then my sister took us to Blockbuster and Title Wave. We ended up getting "Rocky Horror Picture Show," "Requiem for a Dream," and "What's Eating Gilbert Grape(seed)."
When we got to my house (note I will try to never again call it "home" because I hate it here) we watched "Rocky..." and I for one thought it was a big joke. I don't understand how it promotes individualism or anything like it. The transvestite took these people off the street and tried to brainwash them into becoming something they weren't. First he took them into this shit hole with all these people dancing and shit then he came down saying how he loved being who he was. Then he took them up the elevator and created Rocky to be his sex slave. The newly wed couple had to sleep in different rooms and he went in each of their rooms and seduced them and made them do something they didn't want to do. At the end he made them like him and that does not promote individualism. It helps you understand that where ever you go there will always be some one that everyone obeys or they try to imitate. No matter where you are there is somebody who thinks the way they are is the right way and that's the way everyone should be. Call me crazy, but the whole Rocky thing isn't what I would show any one to promote individualism. I might show it if I were trying to prove how people were becoming more adapt to being called weird and were able to accept being weird and make movies about it. Or if I wanted to say that one day transvestites around the world may brainwash us and be in complete domination to the point we were their sex slaves I would us this movie to back that theory up.
After that we watched "Requiem for a Dream" which is one of my favorite movies and is the best independent movie that I have ever seen. When we were watching the last few minutes Erica started crying and so did I. It wouldn't be because the entire movie is filled with depression or anything, more because we cry about movies all the time. By the way, Harry is hot! After that was over it was about three in the morning and we had to get up earlier than eleven. At that point I didn't even care and I don't think she did either so we watched "What's Eating Gilbert Grape(seed)" and it is one of my favorite Johnny Depp movies ever. I love him... L-O-V-E him. Damn it why can't guys look like him and be like he is in movies? (Other than movies like Edward scissorhands. That would be a little odd.) I had a good time after my mom went to bed is what I'm trying to say. Which means my day wasn't bad and I didn't even care that my mom was trying to start a fight and I was able to look past it and go on. Which by the way killed her.
I wrote a poem a while back and I really liked it. Then I thought about submitting something in to see if they would put it into the school paper and I looked back over the poem. Then I started revising it and I thought it sounded good when I sent it to Mrs. Hager, but it was pretty late last night and when I read it today it didn't sound as good as I thought it did. I'm not going to post it until after the next paper comes out because I don't want you to readit before it comes out (If it's in the paper that is). Not to sound over confident or say that I'm the best damn poetry writer ever, but I did pretty good on the poem and I think it's my best poem I've ever written before. Another good thing is that I don't think they have alot of pieces being submitted so even if it isn't that good it may still be in there. I think I kind of over did it and made it sound a little to sophisticated and I like for a poem that rhymes some of the time to rhyme throughout the poem, but this one doesn't do that and it aggervates me now. Too late to change it and I don't feel like it anyway.
I'm going to Lexington to go Christmas shopping for the last time tomorrow. My sister hasn't spent much of her money and I spent like half of mine. I'll get money from my dad after Christmas and money from Maw after Christmas. My sister spent a lot of money on me this Christmas and I thought we were just going to buy each other a shirt or something and I didn't think it was that fair seeing how she's older and has a job and just got out of college so she'll start making more money than mom and I, being a jobless 15 year old, am using my money that I saved from last christmas and band competitions to buy everbody's presents. I would have been fine with just getting the shirt, but I'm glad she got me more than that. That makes me sound really selfish and you probably don't think I would have been satisfied with the shirt, but I really would have. I didn't really think anything of spending an equal amount until after she said "Hey I spent like $175 on your for you birthday and Christmas togehter."
I've yet to pick out a good new years resolution, but I think I may make a list of things I'd like to do next year. Starting with:
1)Being more optimistic about things.
2)Keeping my mouth shut about things until I get the chance to talk to the only person I actually trust most of the time.
3)Break away from that obsession.
4)Trying not to form a new obsession.
5)Being more opinionated while I can because I can't be kicked out of school for simply voicing my opinion, but I could most definately get fired when I get a job.
6)Learn to appreciate things and not to be entirely unsatisfiable.
7)Learn to stop feeling so sorry for myself all the time and realizing I have it better than some people and knowing that I can relate to other people.
8)Being a better conversationist, especially with people I'm not so close with.
9)Understanding that if I can think out loud then everyone else can and I shouldn't call them weird.
10)Being able to accpet the fact you may only get hit on a few times and not by the people you want them to be, but if pretty people are allowed to flirt then so should ugly people. Because to some people everyone is veiwed as being ugly.
11)Reading more and keeping up with school work all at the same time.
12)Not using the internet as an excuse to consume my entire day so that I don't have time to do my homework and wash my face before bed.
13)Take better care of my skin and brush and floss my teeth every night.
14)Attempt to say atleast five things nice about something everyday.
15)Stop calling Kurt a stupid idiot who wants to be just like Sean because even though nobody sees it yet they will eventually.
16)Not to call Kurt's girlfriend an idiot for going out with a stupid moron who thinks he's smart and tries his hardest to be accepted by particular people while making other people feel like shit about theirself.
17)If I do call Kurt's girlfriend an idiot then refraining from kicking her ass when she tries to say something like "We love each other and that's what matters" because in reality she has no idea who he is.
I'm going now. This has been a really long post and I've been sitting here for about an hour typing and looking around every once in a while. I didn't think I would ever really have much to say seeing how I haven't been updating big long posts like I did when I first started. I'm glad I did even if people don't like to read them and most of them don't read it at all because I know that's what I do sometimes. Or just skim through seeing if there's anything I really care to read. I also don't put pictures in here and that's what I like to look at in other people's posts and then I wonder why not many people would like to read what I write. Now I know, it's because I don't normally say much and when I end up typing a lot I still don't say very much.
Love always,
chelsea