I can't decide if it's a really good day or a really bad day...
The Good:
My car sold! My car sold! It finally FUCKING SOLD! In two weeks or less, $9,500 shall be delivered to me (seven grand of which is going to the bank to finish off the car loan, but still)! It couldn't have happened at a better time. I have plans for this money -- first I'm going to find a place to live that is not my parents' house and is not Mark's house. Then, I'm going to catch up on my bills -- even pay a few of them off if possible. No longer will people from the bank and the credit card companies and everywhere else keep calling me and demanding money. Halle-fucking-lujah!
The Bad:
I think I have to break up with Mark.
I don't want to break up with Mark. I love Mark.
But I'm starting to see things that weren't immediately apparent to me at the beginning of our relationship. I've realized that, for as much talking he does about being able to control his drinking and drug use, he is very definitely an alcoholic. And he's addicted, really and truly addicted, to marijuana. I didn't think it was possible, but I was wrong. The fact of the matter is, he's not a very nice person when he's not high. Money has been tight for both of us lately, so he hasn't been high as often, and it's given me a glimpse of who he really is, without the buffer zone of drugs and alcohol.
It's breaking my heart. I love him -- I want to be with him. But Brian pointed out something very crucial to me last night, something I'd overlooked until now.
"I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you should leave him," Brian said. "He's on a downward spiral, and he's taking you with him. I don't want to see you end up like that."
I tried a rebuttal. "I know, but it's so hard because I care about him so much! Things have been a little weird lately, but sometimes he's just so sweet and affectionate and fun..."
"Yeah, when he's high," Brian scoffed disdainfully.
I realized he's right. The best memories I have over the course of my relationship with Mark have indeed been when Mark was either really high or really drunk. And during the rare moments that he's actually sober, he's not much fun to be around. He's negative -- so negative, with this pathetic "poor-me" attitude. It's a real buzz kill, to be honest -- I can be in an incredibly uplifted mood, and five minutes with Mark when he's in that state of mind is enough to make me feel like offing myself.
I'm seeing so many things now that I didn't see before, and it's killing me. He's not the person I thought he was, but I'm in love with him anyway, and I have to leave him, and it's going to hurt an awful lot, and I don't feel like I'm ready for that.
My car sold! My car sold! It finally FUCKING SOLD! In two weeks or less, $9,500 shall be delivered to me (seven grand of which is going to the bank to finish off the car loan, but still)! It couldn't have happened at a better time. I have plans for this money -- first I'm going to find a place to live that is not my parents' house and is not Mark's house. Then, I'm going to catch up on my bills -- even pay a few of them off if possible. No longer will people from the bank and the credit card companies and everywhere else keep calling me and demanding money. Halle-fucking-lujah!
The Bad:
I think I have to break up with Mark.
I don't want to break up with Mark. I love Mark.
But I'm starting to see things that weren't immediately apparent to me at the beginning of our relationship. I've realized that, for as much talking he does about being able to control his drinking and drug use, he is very definitely an alcoholic. And he's addicted, really and truly addicted, to marijuana. I didn't think it was possible, but I was wrong. The fact of the matter is, he's not a very nice person when he's not high. Money has been tight for both of us lately, so he hasn't been high as often, and it's given me a glimpse of who he really is, without the buffer zone of drugs and alcohol.
It's breaking my heart. I love him -- I want to be with him. But Brian pointed out something very crucial to me last night, something I'd overlooked until now.
"I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you should leave him," Brian said. "He's on a downward spiral, and he's taking you with him. I don't want to see you end up like that."
I tried a rebuttal. "I know, but it's so hard because I care about him so much! Things have been a little weird lately, but sometimes he's just so sweet and affectionate and fun..."
"Yeah, when he's high," Brian scoffed disdainfully.
I realized he's right. The best memories I have over the course of my relationship with Mark have indeed been when Mark was either really high or really drunk. And during the rare moments that he's actually sober, he's not much fun to be around. He's negative -- so negative, with this pathetic "poor-me" attitude. It's a real buzz kill, to be honest -- I can be in an incredibly uplifted mood, and five minutes with Mark when he's in that state of mind is enough to make me feel like offing myself.
I'm seeing so many things now that I didn't see before, and it's killing me. He's not the person I thought he was, but I'm in love with him anyway, and I have to leave him, and it's going to hurt an awful lot, and I don't feel like I'm ready for that.