(no subject)
Well we are in Arizona! Arrived on Monday and stayed with my parents until the movers got here on Thursday. Everything went smoothly with the drive down, we stayed at a really nice hotel which was great.
Our Oregon house sale went through on Thursday as planned. It was fucking crazy seeing such a high amount of money suddenly appear in our bank account. Whoa... just whoa. Still can't believe it's real, keep thinking they are going to take it back haha. I was supposed to feel safe and relieved now... the mind can be so silly.
I've had panic attacks every night since we got here. I never realized just how important having my own comfortable living space is. My 'bubble'. The new house doesn't feel like mine yet. I feel stupid saying this but it feels gross and used and icky. Cleaning will definitely help, I still need to do that.
Plus it just needs so much doing to it before it will be anywhere close to how 'done' our last house felt. And i am really not excited to renovate it. So many decisions and interactions and money and it means moving out of the house temporarily. Can't be bothered!! But it feels like the only way to make it mine.
Whenever I write in here I feel like I'm just a spoiled brat with nothing but first world problems. I annoy myself.
I've been having a lot of guilty feelings and like I'm undeserving of all these good things I have in my life. It makes me unable to really appreciate them. I think it comes down to, what does all of this mean about me. I can't come to terms with that part. it's very hard for me to admit that I'm good, successful, or anything positive about myself really. Mostly I feel it's luck and I feel scared it's going to go away at any moment. Where as other people might think they played a part of making great things happen and they would feel like a badass. I can't take ownership like that. Very confusing.
Our Oregon house sale went through on Thursday as planned. It was fucking crazy seeing such a high amount of money suddenly appear in our bank account. Whoa... just whoa. Still can't believe it's real, keep thinking they are going to take it back haha. I was supposed to feel safe and relieved now... the mind can be so silly.
I've had panic attacks every night since we got here. I never realized just how important having my own comfortable living space is. My 'bubble'. The new house doesn't feel like mine yet. I feel stupid saying this but it feels gross and used and icky. Cleaning will definitely help, I still need to do that.
Plus it just needs so much doing to it before it will be anywhere close to how 'done' our last house felt. And i am really not excited to renovate it. So many decisions and interactions and money and it means moving out of the house temporarily. Can't be bothered!! But it feels like the only way to make it mine.
Whenever I write in here I feel like I'm just a spoiled brat with nothing but first world problems. I annoy myself.
I've been having a lot of guilty feelings and like I'm undeserving of all these good things I have in my life. It makes me unable to really appreciate them. I think it comes down to, what does all of this mean about me. I can't come to terms with that part. it's very hard for me to admit that I'm good, successful, or anything positive about myself really. Mostly I feel it's luck and I feel scared it's going to go away at any moment. Where as other people might think they played a part of making great things happen and they would feel like a badass. I can't take ownership like that. Very confusing.