Jul 02, 2005 01:21
So after much deliberation, i have decided to tell the whole world what really happened between myself, and nora. we met in marketing 2. she was the most enchanting person i ever met. throughout the class, even though colin wasn't diggin it, we started to form a relationship. nothing to serious just shameless flirting. then towards the end of the class it began to get more serious. we started hanging out, talking on the phone till 2 am. she was everything i wanted in a girlfriend. she could carry on a conversation, be crazy, but not scary crazy. it was the first time in a long time i could just be myself. and i began to really, genuinly like this girl.
then i graduated. we didn't see each other as much, but we still talked until the wee hours of the morning. we started to see each other in a more private way. watching movies and such. and it was more than i expected. i learned there was a whole side of her she didn't show the public. being with her was amazing and they are times i will always remember.
and then there was the party. it started out awsome. we basically let everyone know that we were more than friends. we hung out with good friends and just had an awsome time. up until the point when she left. and i know she had her reasons and i respect them. but deep down i just can't forgive that. i was at a party where i really only knew two people, and they instantly became the parties most gossiped about people. so i just sat there drinking my lemonade and listening to people bicker about everyone else and i realized that her leaving was going to be the story of our relationship. she will always take off right when i need her to be there. and i continued to sit there and listen to people talk to me about what "a huge mistake i am making" and how "they just can't see it happening." and even then, i told them that it was my choice. and that i think it could work.
the next day we got together. we watched some tv and had a good time. and again the feeling came back. i realized at that point there is nowhere else i would rather be. and everything was good. and then, later that night i think. we were having a conversation about us, and she decided we should just be friends. she didn't tell me why. she didn't seem to concerned. her exact words were "we should be friends, and i am ok with that. really." so there i am asking myself, what did i do wrong? and after four days i realized that i didn't do anything wrong. in fact, i did everything right. but it was on that fourth day that i accepted that she did not want to be together, and i began to move on. because that's all there was to do. but later that evening, as if there wasn't enough emotion and drama in our relationship, she decided that she really did want to be together. and that she only said what she said to "save me trouble". wtf my friends. wtf.
so there i am, stuck with this decision. do i give in to what my feelings tell me to and take her back. or do i give in to the little voice that keeps telling me, "she's fucking with you, and in the end you two will just end up hating each other". and you know what ladies and gentlmen, i sided with the voice. but not because i thought she was fucking with me, but because he was right. in the end, after all is said and done, we are not right for each other. i made my decision trying to salvage our friendship from the emotional torn wreck that it was, but she is just not having it. and i understand she is not happy. and i understand she and ALL of her friends think i am an asshole. and that's fine. because i am. but what i don't understand, is how after she disregarded my feelings, and my clearly expressed wants, she can still blame all of this on me. and she and ALL of her friends can not see her side of the problem.
i am not saying that what i did is right, i am not saying that it's all her fault. i am just saying that because of the actions we both took, our relationship is changed forever. had she not said that we should just be friends, maybe my whole mindset would have been different. but had i not decided to back that decision up in the end, we would be together. the fact of the matter is, we both own 50% of this problem. and maybe some day, we can be friends and even more. but for now, we need to be friends. and i am ok with that. because if we can get through something like this, and still be friends, then maybe we can have one of those amazing relationships. but for now. it's just friends.