What's Up With Me.
Well once again an attempt to write more. But a quick summary of my life at this point for my own benefit as much as anything -
I'm still in a job that I hate off & on. Officially 5 years now. I've determined that it's not really the job that I hate. I don't hate it at all. I've just realized that the environment that I'm in really mimics my relationship dysfunctions throughout my life. Not a huge surprise really. :) It seemed pretty obvious once I figured it out. So it ends up being a very comfortable environment where I can succeed very well. Problem is, I'm continuing some of my worst habits and getting frustrated by everyone's behavior. So, I've decided I can't stay there forever. Which is a good attitude to have instead of my usual, "I'm so friggin angry, if I don't quit now I'm going to burst!". So I'm actually trying to make plans about where I want to be in a year.
I'm living on my own still and have come to truly enjoy it. No roommates, no family, nuttin. I've definitely lived alone before, that's not something new, but more often than not - I've had roommates.
Family is family. :)
I'm currently "seeing" someone and I have a lot of conflicting emotions with that situation. I have found someone who really truly is a male version of me. Or vice versa! And yet we still have enough differences, that it's fun and interesting. Trouble is - I tend to not be too fond of myself, so it's hard for me to be fond of another version of me. I've always said, I want a guy who has issues. Everyone has them and I am so more open to someone who has things they are dealing with. This guy has issues (some very similar to mine and some I can't even begin to relate to) and he's working on them, which is definitely what I connect with. Problem is I don't think he's far enough along. And I don't mean that in judgement of his process. He's as far along as he needs to be right now. I'm just talking in terms of how it fits in with me & my life. So I'm trying hard to not judge too much & remain open. But I'm once again caught where I doubt myself and my decisions. I do not want to be sitting here in a year saying "well duh, of course this ended horribly - look at all the signs!" So - this is a constant struggle that I think I'll probably be writing about much more as time goes on.
I've put on weight. lol It's all relative, but that tells me I'm being self destructive. Especially since up till this year I had remained the same weight (you know, give or take 1-2 pounds each day) since 2000. So I need to look at that again as well and decide what I'm going to do about it. And I'm sooo tired all the time now. I need to get back to the doc and get a checkup for my apnea and see if that may be the reason. I just know that I'm gonna go crazy if I'm a walking sleepless zombie everyday. :)
Other than that - nothing too exciting. I'm currently loving Project Runway and I'm always happy for a new season of Reno 911. I have a really strong urge to become crafty - but I have yet to do anything with it. I think it's because my house is such a mess. Another self defeating behavior of mine. I've started playing Sims Online again, but I don't know that it's such a great idea. It's yet another way for me to isolate. Which is another weird observation I have about me. I love multi player RPG games, etc. But when I get involved with them, I rarely if ever interact with the other players. I'm solitary even in an environment like that. To me that seems weird. Like I know that often insecure people flock to things like that because it offers a safe environment to reach out, bond, interact. I don't do that! lol I'm not sure if that means I'm more secure than the average insecure person or if it just means that my horrible insecurity bleeds over into a virtual world, which is really quite sad. Yikes!!!!
Oh well - time to go to the job that I hate/don't hate. :) We are getting a new Oracle product upgrade thingey bobber and I'm supposed to be writing a manual. I'm definitely in way over my head, but I know that I can do it. I just need to try really hard not to get overwhelmed and shut down. Arrrgghhh!!!!
I'm still in a job that I hate off & on. Officially 5 years now. I've determined that it's not really the job that I hate. I don't hate it at all. I've just realized that the environment that I'm in really mimics my relationship dysfunctions throughout my life. Not a huge surprise really. :) It seemed pretty obvious once I figured it out. So it ends up being a very comfortable environment where I can succeed very well. Problem is, I'm continuing some of my worst habits and getting frustrated by everyone's behavior. So, I've decided I can't stay there forever. Which is a good attitude to have instead of my usual, "I'm so friggin angry, if I don't quit now I'm going to burst!". So I'm actually trying to make plans about where I want to be in a year.
I'm living on my own still and have come to truly enjoy it. No roommates, no family, nuttin. I've definitely lived alone before, that's not something new, but more often than not - I've had roommates.
Family is family. :)
I'm currently "seeing" someone and I have a lot of conflicting emotions with that situation. I have found someone who really truly is a male version of me. Or vice versa! And yet we still have enough differences, that it's fun and interesting. Trouble is - I tend to not be too fond of myself, so it's hard for me to be fond of another version of me. I've always said, I want a guy who has issues. Everyone has them and I am so more open to someone who has things they are dealing with. This guy has issues (some very similar to mine and some I can't even begin to relate to) and he's working on them, which is definitely what I connect with. Problem is I don't think he's far enough along. And I don't mean that in judgement of his process. He's as far along as he needs to be right now. I'm just talking in terms of how it fits in with me & my life. So I'm trying hard to not judge too much & remain open. But I'm once again caught where I doubt myself and my decisions. I do not want to be sitting here in a year saying "well duh, of course this ended horribly - look at all the signs!" So - this is a constant struggle that I think I'll probably be writing about much more as time goes on.
I've put on weight. lol It's all relative, but that tells me I'm being self destructive. Especially since up till this year I had remained the same weight (you know, give or take 1-2 pounds each day) since 2000. So I need to look at that again as well and decide what I'm going to do about it. And I'm sooo tired all the time now. I need to get back to the doc and get a checkup for my apnea and see if that may be the reason. I just know that I'm gonna go crazy if I'm a walking sleepless zombie everyday. :)
Other than that - nothing too exciting. I'm currently loving Project Runway and I'm always happy for a new season of Reno 911. I have a really strong urge to become crafty - but I have yet to do anything with it. I think it's because my house is such a mess. Another self defeating behavior of mine. I've started playing Sims Online again, but I don't know that it's such a great idea. It's yet another way for me to isolate. Which is another weird observation I have about me. I love multi player RPG games, etc. But when I get involved with them, I rarely if ever interact with the other players. I'm solitary even in an environment like that. To me that seems weird. Like I know that often insecure people flock to things like that because it offers a safe environment to reach out, bond, interact. I don't do that! lol I'm not sure if that means I'm more secure than the average insecure person or if it just means that my horrible insecurity bleeds over into a virtual world, which is really quite sad. Yikes!!!!
Oh well - time to go to the job that I hate/don't hate. :) We are getting a new Oracle product upgrade thingey bobber and I'm supposed to be writing a manual. I'm definitely in way over my head, but I know that I can do it. I just need to try really hard not to get overwhelmed and shut down. Arrrgghhh!!!!