(no subject)
I had to go in for surgery this morning at 7:30. My doctor removed a piece of my cervix. They put me to sleep and it was wonderful. I didn't remember anything. I feel really good now. I did get some pain killers so maybe that's why.
But really I realized a lot during the whole process. According to my doctor the severe dysplasia is something that takes about 10 years to get to the stage that it was at. But mine grew that much in 2 years. He said because it was so accelerated I could have stage 4 cancer in 6-8 years if it wasn't treated. I was actually thinking about not doing anything about it. I was thinking that it would be a guarantee that I could see my Mom and I'd know I was on my way. I WANTED cancer. Josh and my Dad both did everything they could to convince me to do it but I wasn't going to. I was going to just not go this morning. Yesterday Toby went to spend the night away from home because my appointment was so early. I missed him. I had to close the door to his room and put all of his toys away because I was sad that he wasn't here. The house seemed to quiet and empty. I knew I'd go when I felt that. I don't want to not see Toby in 8 years. I want to be with my baby boy always. And going to to hospital and having Josh there made me feel so lucky. So loved. It was hard to go through without my Mom. Josh was good to me. As he always is. Knowing how lucky I am makes me really glad that I decided to go through with it and let them take it out. These 2 boys are my life. And I really like it that way. I feel like I'm in a normal happy relationship. In a family. We live in a house that I love, Toby is happy here, Josh is here with me, we've got 2 rats, 2 cats, and a gecko and we pay all of our bills on time and I'm comfortable right now in this situation. A feeling of content that I thought I'd never feel again.
Sorry. I think it's the pain pills. I'll shut the hell up now.
But really I realized a lot during the whole process. According to my doctor the severe dysplasia is something that takes about 10 years to get to the stage that it was at. But mine grew that much in 2 years. He said because it was so accelerated I could have stage 4 cancer in 6-8 years if it wasn't treated. I was actually thinking about not doing anything about it. I was thinking that it would be a guarantee that I could see my Mom and I'd know I was on my way. I WANTED cancer. Josh and my Dad both did everything they could to convince me to do it but I wasn't going to. I was going to just not go this morning. Yesterday Toby went to spend the night away from home because my appointment was so early. I missed him. I had to close the door to his room and put all of his toys away because I was sad that he wasn't here. The house seemed to quiet and empty. I knew I'd go when I felt that. I don't want to not see Toby in 8 years. I want to be with my baby boy always. And going to to hospital and having Josh there made me feel so lucky. So loved. It was hard to go through without my Mom. Josh was good to me. As he always is. Knowing how lucky I am makes me really glad that I decided to go through with it and let them take it out. These 2 boys are my life. And I really like it that way. I feel like I'm in a normal happy relationship. In a family. We live in a house that I love, Toby is happy here, Josh is here with me, we've got 2 rats, 2 cats, and a gecko and we pay all of our bills on time and I'm comfortable right now in this situation. A feeling of content that I thought I'd never feel again.
Sorry. I think it's the pain pills. I'll shut the hell up now.