Is it a crime to wear my heart on my sleave?
I just got home from school and she's gone, living her life outside of mine.
Being away from her this long and not being able to comfort her is freaking me out.
Anxiety!!
Please, just make is stop!
It seems sometimes that everyone thinks that it's bad for me to be this way.
Co-dependence is an unhealthy state, they say.
But it's not all that bad as long as she doesn't take advantage of it.... doesn't use it against me.
Which she doesn't. And I don't think that she ever would. She loves me too much to take advantage of me in such a manipulative way. I'll leave that short of behavior to my brother (if I were to ever speak to him again, anyway)
And she has a co-dependency on me too.
I can't live without her, but she can't live without me either.
That's romantic, isn't it? That's the way life-partners should be, really.
I could see how unromantic, ultra-independent, constantly-wearing-suits-of-armor individuals could see it as sad and sickening. But I'm not one of those people. Some of the ones I choose to share my life with are... but it's just not me. Not the way I see the world. I see the world in colors, but everything has a shade of gray. There are very few places of true white or true black.
But I don't imagine things being so difficult on her if things were reversed. If I were gone for days taking care of shit that I needed to take care of, would she cry over my absence like I do? Would her heart not calm down to a normal speed like mine won't? Would she crave me then as much as I am craving for her now? Maybe she would feel the same way that I do, she'd just hide it better from the world. I on the other hand, am not good at hiding things...
I told her on the phone that I need to be with her. She replied, "yeah, but I need to be by myself right now." At those words the tears started to form again in my eyes (though I hope she couldn't tell on the phone... i don't want to bother her any more than she already is).
But I do understand that she is stressed the fuck out right now. I do understand that she does, in fact, need time to think and to feel about everything that's going on right now. Time to just drive down the highway, no real destination in mind.
I don't want to be so oober selfish as to cry over her not being with me when her needs outweigh my own right now. I should concider what it'd be like if I were in her shoes. She has her own pain to deal with right now. A pain much deeper than my lonelyness. If I were where she is right now, I'd be so much more of a mess right now.... and I'm sure she is a mess... she just deals with it differently than me.
I would be in the way if I were there.... though I would at least find comfort in being with her. Though I would be sadened by not being able to comfort her. Holding her in my arms would ease my pain, but her's is so much different. She needs the cold air to hug her more than me right now.
I don't like being this way, but I can't help it. I can't really calm myself down. Things are the way they need to be right now. I know that... and in a little time, she will be better and things will calm down, and she will come home to me.
Yet, I'm sitting here in my Halloween costume, depressed at the fact that she isn't going to see me in it. And I look so fucking cute. I've been such a mess the last couple of times she's seen me. I wanted to remind her of what I look like fixed up.
Of course that doesn't matter at all. Looks are mostly for first impressions. She's seen the inside of me. Dressing up isn't going to make her forget what I really look like. But I do still have the desire to impress her.
I don't know. I am a fool.
And maybe I shouldn't be writing this kind of an entry, for anyone to see... to base opinions on... to critasize... to mock.
But fuck it!
This is me, and this is how I feel. And these are the thoughts that are going through my head today.
Is it a crime to wear my heart on my sleave?
Being away from her this long and not being able to comfort her is freaking me out.
Anxiety!!
Please, just make is stop!
It seems sometimes that everyone thinks that it's bad for me to be this way.
Co-dependence is an unhealthy state, they say.
But it's not all that bad as long as she doesn't take advantage of it.... doesn't use it against me.
Which she doesn't. And I don't think that she ever would. She loves me too much to take advantage of me in such a manipulative way. I'll leave that short of behavior to my brother (if I were to ever speak to him again, anyway)
And she has a co-dependency on me too.
I can't live without her, but she can't live without me either.
That's romantic, isn't it? That's the way life-partners should be, really.
I could see how unromantic, ultra-independent, constantly-wearing-suits-of-armor individuals could see it as sad and sickening. But I'm not one of those people. Some of the ones I choose to share my life with are... but it's just not me. Not the way I see the world. I see the world in colors, but everything has a shade of gray. There are very few places of true white or true black.
But I don't imagine things being so difficult on her if things were reversed. If I were gone for days taking care of shit that I needed to take care of, would she cry over my absence like I do? Would her heart not calm down to a normal speed like mine won't? Would she crave me then as much as I am craving for her now? Maybe she would feel the same way that I do, she'd just hide it better from the world. I on the other hand, am not good at hiding things...
I told her on the phone that I need to be with her. She replied, "yeah, but I need to be by myself right now." At those words the tears started to form again in my eyes (though I hope she couldn't tell on the phone... i don't want to bother her any more than she already is).
But I do understand that she is stressed the fuck out right now. I do understand that she does, in fact, need time to think and to feel about everything that's going on right now. Time to just drive down the highway, no real destination in mind.
I don't want to be so oober selfish as to cry over her not being with me when her needs outweigh my own right now. I should concider what it'd be like if I were in her shoes. She has her own pain to deal with right now. A pain much deeper than my lonelyness. If I were where she is right now, I'd be so much more of a mess right now.... and I'm sure she is a mess... she just deals with it differently than me.
I would be in the way if I were there.... though I would at least find comfort in being with her. Though I would be sadened by not being able to comfort her. Holding her in my arms would ease my pain, but her's is so much different. She needs the cold air to hug her more than me right now.
I don't like being this way, but I can't help it. I can't really calm myself down. Things are the way they need to be right now. I know that... and in a little time, she will be better and things will calm down, and she will come home to me.
Yet, I'm sitting here in my Halloween costume, depressed at the fact that she isn't going to see me in it. And I look so fucking cute. I've been such a mess the last couple of times she's seen me. I wanted to remind her of what I look like fixed up.
Of course that doesn't matter at all. Looks are mostly for first impressions. She's seen the inside of me. Dressing up isn't going to make her forget what I really look like. But I do still have the desire to impress her.
I don't know. I am a fool.
And maybe I shouldn't be writing this kind of an entry, for anyone to see... to base opinions on... to critasize... to mock.
But fuck it!
This is me, and this is how I feel. And these are the thoughts that are going through my head today.
Is it a crime to wear my heart on my sleave?