[onkey] Parental Guidance
Parental Guidance
Onew/Key, PG-13, humor
summary: In which a baby is found on SHINee’s doorstep, Kibum discovers the joys of parenthood, and Jinki’s life becomes ten times harder than it already is.
a/n: for hyungdeul, who sobbed because i wrote ontae first. i...am sorry for my fail OTL. ilu!
Key: I want to get married early. I want to have a son that looks exactly like me. Without having a girlfriend. I just want to have a married life.
Onew: He’s saying that he wants a baby that looks like him to fall from the sky.
Key: Yes, I wish that would happen.
~090804 Doogeun Doogeun Live Chat
Kibum wakes up to the sound of crying - a relentless onslaught of annoyingly loud, high-pitched wails that makes him curl up in bed, mentally composing a string of colorful words that he intends to direct at whoever had the gall to leave the TV on last night. Only he can’t quite remember who the culprit is. He cracks one eye open, deciding to blame Jinki because if memory fails, everything is automatically Jinki’s fault, and he is reaching across his bed to shake Jinki hard on the shoulder when the wails level up into banshee shrieks.
Taemin stirs, face unconsciously scrunching up at the noise. Kibum freezes for one horrified second before shooting out of bed and running as quietly as he can to the living room. Bitching at Jinki would have to wait - he has to get rid of the source of that infernal screeching first. He swipes the remote control off the coffee table, thumb poised over the power button, and points it at the TV. Which, he belatedly realizes, is unplugged and completely silent.
Bewildered, he scans the vicinity, finally concluding that the crying is not, in fact, emanating from any electronic device inside the dorm. He frowns and takes long strides toward the front door, wrenching it open.
Then he looks down. And screams.
-
“What the fuck, Kibum,” Jonghyun grumbles as he stomps out of the bedroom, irritation written all over his sleep-deprived face, “Did a cockroach land on you or-” He stops. Then gawks. Then proceeds to whip his head in various directions, looking positively mortified. “Oh my god, are we in a new reality show? Argh, don’t film my face, I’m not ready-!”
“Shut up, Jjong,” Kibum hisses, glaring at him from the couch. The baby cradled in his arms blinks drowsily as he rocks it back and forth.
“He’s so cute, hyung!” Taemin whispers. He is perched on the couch’s armrest, watching the baby in fascination. Minho is on Kibum’s other side, nodding off, one foot still planted firmly in dreamland. Jinki is standing in front of Kibum, wringing his hands and looking at the baby with undisguised apprehension.
Jonghyun shuffles next to Jinki after making sure that there are no hidden cameras bearing witness to his horrific case of bedhead. Squatting down, he gives the baby’s cheek an experimental poke, earning himself a slap upside the head from Kibum. The baby squirms and opens its huge dark eyes. There is a collective intake of breath, and Jonghyun and Taemin exclaim, in unison, “Can we keep it?”
Jinki starts to splutter an indignant “No” when Kibum kicks him in the shin.
“He’s my son,” Kibum announces, with so much conviction that Taemin’s eyes go wider than the baby’s and Jonghyun topples onto his butt in shock. “Of course we’re keeping him.”
-
“But Kibum-ah, you have no idea where he even comes from,” a stricken Jinki tries to reason as Kibum very gently settles the sleeping baby onto Jinki’s bed and tucks him in.
Kibum makes an impatient noise and waves a hand dismissively. “He was lying in a basket and abandoned at our front door. What did you want me to do, leave him there? I didn’t know you could be so heartless, Jinki-hyung.”
Jinki looks horrified that Kibum could formulate such cruel accusations about him. “I didn’t say anything like that! He has to have parents somewhere! He might even be the victim of a kidnapping! We have to call the police-”
“We are doing no such thing.” Kibum’s eyes are narrowed into slits, arms folded as he glowers at Jinki in a manner that promises bodily harm if he doesn’t have his way.
Jinki frowns. He’s still the leader, dammit, and just because he and Kibum have a…special relationship does not mean that Kibum could boss him around and make decisions for him and their group. “I,” he says, as authoritatively as he could muster, “am going to call our manager and let him handle this. You can play umma all you want until he gets here, but when he does, I expect you to turn over this child to the proper authorities without any fuss. Is that understood?”
Kibum growls and fists his hands in the collar of Jinki’s pajamas, backing him into a corner until his back is flat against the closet door. Jinki squeaks and flails - okay, Kibum could be such a girl sometimes, but he is stockier than Jinki and has nicer muscles and Jinki kind of doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of his punches, ever. He shuts his eyes tight and throws his hands over his face, but Kibum easily wrenches them out of the way and-
-kisses him, hard and fierce, and Jinki is so surprised he forgets to respond. But only for three seconds because Kibum’s hand is deftly flicking at buttons and slips just so over Jinki’s exposed chest, Jinki’s heartbeat at his fingertips as Jinki reflexively wraps an arm around his waist. Jinki starts kissing back with equal fervor, free hand skimming along the waistband of Kibum’s boxers, when Kibum pulls back, lips flushed with attention and eyes half-mast. “The baby stays,” he breathes, fixing Jinki with a gaze that suddenly makes Jinki aware of how hot it is in the room.
“Um,” is all that Jinki says in reply. Somewhere in the back of his mind a voice is protesting that this is totally unfair, this is shameless manipulation and his pride and integrity will not allow Kibum to-press his fingers there, brush his knuckles over that, and. “Um.”
“Is that a yes?” Kibum inquires, and his palm finds something that makes Jinki gasp and dig his fingers into Kibum’s sides.
Jinki would have dearly loved to glare at Kibum right then and there, but his eyes are too busy rolling into the back of his head. “Okay, okay, just-”
“I thought so.” Kibum smiles and gives Jinki a quick peck on the lips, then skips out of the bedroom as if nothing had just transpired.
Jinki sinks down to the floor feeling all kinds of cheated.
-
“What’s his name?” Taemin asks over breakfast.
Kibum munches thoughtfully on his mouthful of cereal. “Hmm…”
“It has to be really cool,” Jonghyun jumps in. “Like…Bling Bling.”
“That’s your name, dumbass,” Kibum scoffs, “No way I’m naming my precious son after a dork like you.”
Jonghyun sticks his tongue out at him. “Hah! Did you hear that, Taeminnie? This pretentious kid picks up a baby from God knows where, and he suddenly forgets that he already has another son. Some umma he is.” He scoots his chair closer to Taemin’s and ruffles their maknae’s hair consolingly.
“Hey! Don’t listen to his lies, Taemin-ah.” Kibum swats Jonghyun’s hand away and hugs Taemin. “You’re still my son no matter what.”
“Sure, whatever,” Taemin says, looking bored with their antics. “But hyung, the baby’s name...”
“I know! Let’s name him Haneul. Because divine intervention must have brought him here, as if God dropped him out of the sky!” Jinki beams at his own brilliance.
A blanket of silence falls upon them.
“No, I don’t think so,” Kibum finally says, ignoring the way Jinki’s face falls. “I want a unique name. It’s only fitting because he’s mine.”
Minho sighs, wondering why his bandmates fretted over the pettiest things. “Well, you’re Key, right? How about just naming him…Lock, or something.”
There’s another pause. Then, “Minho, you’re a genius.”
Minho stares at Kibum in disbelief. “Actually, I was kidding-”
“I like it. It’s not a traditional name, either. Contemporary, like SHINee!” Jonghyun claps Minho on the back.
“I still like Haneul better,” Jinki says with a pout.
“What do you think, Taeminnie?” Jonghyun prompts.
Taemin, who was peering past the kitchen door, snaps to. “Hyung? I think Lock just woke up.”
They stare at one another for a dreaded moment before simultaneously bolting out of their seats after the first wail that reaches their ears.
-
Jinki really doesn’t think that leaving a six-month-old baby in the care of five teenage boys is the most stellar of ideas, but he has to admit, Kibum handles the parent thing quite well. Within five minutes he manages to calm the baby down, write out a grocery list, and bark out orders to the other members like a mother assigning chores to several unmotivated children.
“Why do I have to go to the convenience store?” Jonghyun complains, staring at the rather long list of baby essentials that Kibum has given him.
Kibum shoots him a dirty look. “Because I say so, that’s why. Taemin-ah, you can go with him.”
“Okay!” Taemin chirps, taking Jonghyun by the hand and leading him out of the apartment. “Hyung, I want a cheeseburger. You’ll treat me, right?”
Jonghyun’s voice can be heard even after the front door swings shut. “Sure! Let’s go to the video arcade while we’re at it…”
Kibum stares after them. “You know what, Minho, I think you should-”
Minho nods imperceptibly and is out the door before Kibum even finishes his sentence.
That leaves Jinki, who is lying on his side in bed, making funny faces at Lock in an attempt to entertain him. Lock’s face crumples and he lets out a bloodcurdling bawl.
“I didn’t do anything!” Jinki says defensively, when Kibum barges into the bedroom with an ominous expression. “Kids usually laugh when I-”
“Go away, hyung,” Kibum huffs, pushing a protesting Jinki off his own bed and producing a milk-filled baby bottle seemingly out of nowhere. He leans over the baby, obstructing Jinki’s view, and when he pulls back Lock is happily sucking away, appeased.
“Where did you get that?” Jinki asks, amazed.
“It was in the basket with Lock,” Kibum answers, as if this ought to have been obvious. “I had to check if it was still good, though, then of course I had to warm the milk up. But we don’t have anything else fit for infant consumption so I added baby formula to the list of stuff to buy.”
Jinki looks mildly impressed. “So what do we do now?”
Kibum lets out a long-suffering sigh. “Well, I’m the one who makes Lock stop crying and feeds him, and Jjong, Taeminnie and Minho are out buying everything he needs. You haven’t contributed anything yet, hyung.”
Jinki blinks. “Okay, what can I do to he-wait, no.”
Kibum smiles sweetly back at him. “There was an extra diaper in the basket too.”
“Kibum-”
“And there are cotton balls and soap in the bathroom.”
“But I don’t-”
“I think you’ll be able to tell by yourself when he needs to change.”
“You are so-”
“Thanks, hyung!”
“But he’s your son!”
-
Jinki’s hairstylist stares. “So…you’re saying this is your baby brother?”
Jinki nods and smiles, trying to ignore how Lock is drooling all over his shoulder. The kid seemed to have deemed Jinki a worthy guardian after Jinki’s first traumatic nappy-changing session, and had warmed up considerably to him after that.
Kibum opens his mouth, but Jonghyun elbows him hard in the ribs and adds loudly, “Yes, shocking, isn’t it? The age gaps of siblings these days - parents can be so unpredictable. Anyway, noona, we were wondering if you would do us a favor…”
The hairstylist noona raises an eyebrow. “Let me guess. You want me to look after him while you’re off filming.”
Jinki bows apologetically. “And, um. Could you maybe, um, not mention this to anyone? Because we’re not supposed to-ow,” Jinki’s eyes water as Jonghyun steps neatly on his toes.
“What he means is, he really wants to spend quality time with his dongsaeng because this is the first time they’ve met since the kid was born. But our managers might get mad if they find out that we’ve smuggled a baby into the studio - they’ll definitely have him sent back to Jinki-hyung’s parents. If that happens, Jinki-hyung’s dongsaeng might be in kindergarten by the time Jinki-hyung gets to see him again!” Jonghyun sniffles and pretends to wipe a tear away for emphasis.
“O-oh. That’s - I’m so sorry! I’ll take good care of him until you get back,” the wide-eyed noona promises, all traces of skepticism vanishing.
“Great,” Kibum says briskly, dumping a gigantic baby bag onto the nearest dressing table. “There’s a color-coded booklet of instructions in there. It’s idiot-proof-even Jonghyun-hyung becomes a competent babysitter after reading it-so Lock better be happy or asleep when we come back to get him.” He lifts Lock from Jinki’s arms and kisses him on the forehead, and Lock giggles.
“Okay…” the noona trails off. She gives Jinki (who is staring sadly at his ruined shirt sleeve) a strange look as she takes Lock from Kibum. “This Lock kid is your brother, right?”
“Don’t mind Kibum, he’s got Cradle Snatcher Syndrome,” Jonghyun says, stung by Kibum’s earlier remark. “Can we go now? We still have to put on makeup.” He turns and practically drags a reluctant Kibum away from Lock, Jinki following closely behind them.
-
“Oh my god. What did I do? Why is he crying?” Kibum wails, distraught, when Lock howls at the top of his lungs as soon as Kibum touches him.
Jonghyun slings a comforting arm around Kibum’s shoulders. “It’s okay, Kibum-ah, maybe he finally realized that you’re not his real mommy.” Kibum frowns, and Jonghyun hastily adds, “But don’t worry, you’re still really pretty!”
Jinki steps forward, prying the agitated baby from the hairstylist noona. Lock stops mid-wail and gurgles at Jinki, who smiles warmly back at him.
“What the hell?” Kibum gapes at Jinki in surprise.
Jinki waves goodbye to his hairstylist before turning to regard Kibum’s incredulous expression. “I think he’s scared of your makeup, Kibum-ah,” he says gently.
Jonghyun cracks up as a horrified Kibum scrambles to clean up his face.
-
It’s been a week since SHINee adopted Lock, and everyone except Kibum is beginning to regret it. Precious sleeping time becomes all the more scarce as Lock tends to wake up in the middle of the night, preferring to share his insomnia with the help of a series of glass-shattering shrieks, and many a day has passed wherein one of the members walked into the kitchen with bloodshot eyes or a particularly strong urge to spew forth cuss words.
Nobody is brave enough to stand up to Kibum, who would sooner fling a used diaper in the complainant’s face than listen to said complainant’s grievances about the newest addition to their household, and so it fell upon Jinki to receive the brunt of his dongsaengs’ displeasure.
“Hyung, Lock tore up all my lyric sheets! And do you know what Kibum said? He said it was my fault I left them lying around, how fucked up is that? It took me ages to write all those!” Jonghyun is on the verge of angry tears.
Jinki rolls over on his bed and stares hopelessly at the strips of paper fisted in Jonghyun’s hands. “Don’t worry about it, Jonghyun-ah, I’ll help you piece them back together.”
Minho walks into the room, a frown on his usually impassive face. “Hyung…I can’t concentrate on doing my homework with all the noise Kibum and Lock are making. Tell them to stop.”
Jinki pales. “Is he making Lock watch Barney again? Oh god…”
As if confirming his assumptions, Taemin stalks past Minho and flings himself unceremoniously on Jinki’s bed. “Hyung! The Prisoner of Azkaban is on TV and I want to watch it but Kibum-hyung says I can’t!”
Jinki sighs and pats Taemin on the head, his resolve crumbling. “Okay. Taemin-ah, tell Kibum that it’s your turn to watch TV, but keep the volume down so that Minho can study.”
Taemin beams at him. “Thanks, hyung!” He bounces out of the room, a relieved Minho in tow.
Jinki closes his eyes, relishing the brief ten seconds of peace that ensues before shouting and crying breaks the silence. The approach of stomping footsteps alerts him to the impending drama that is about to occur.
“Jinki-hyung!” Kibum says angrily. Jinki is really starting to hate the sound of his own name. “Taemin says you’re allowing him to watch that stupid Harry Potter movie again. He’s watched it ten times already! Lock needs to be educated!”
Jonghyun scoffs loudly from atop his bunk.
“I heard that, Jjong.”
“Good, because that was intentional.”
Jinki sits up wearily. “Guys, quit it.” He motions for Kibum to come closer, and Kibum sits next to him with a huff. “Where’s Lock?” Jinki asks.
“With Taemin. I promised I’d let him watch TV if he could make Lock stop crying by himself.” Kibum cocks his head to the side, looking surprised despite himself. “Hey-he stopped!”
“You think he fell head over heels for that girl in the movie, too?” Jonghyun remarks innocuously. Kibum throws a pillow at him, then pouts at Jinki.
“Lock has to finish the episode we were watching, at least,” Kibum tells him. “Come on, hyung. Tell Taeminnie to do his homework first.”
Jinki suddenly has a brilliant idea. “Kibum-ah,” he says, voice laden with concern, “Look at yourself. You told Taemin-goon that he’s still your son no matter what, but you’ve been neglecting him.”
Kibum looks at Jinki as if he’s been slapped. “I have not! I’m just concerned about his schoolwork!”
“He finished all his homework two hours ago.”
“…he did?” Kibum looks slightly abashed.
Jinki nods solemnly. “And Minho still hasn’t finished his because you’re not making the atmosphere of this dorm conducive for learning-”
“Tell me about it. Listening to that stupid dinosaur’s singing is enough to fry anybody’s brain cells,” Jonghyun grumbles.
“-and Jonghyunnie’s bitter that you’ve been neglecting him, too, because I don’t remember either of you ever fighting over stupid things like this-”
“I am not bitter!” Jonghyun protests, cheeks turning pink. “And there’s nothing stupid about my lyric sheets!”
Kibum shoots Jonghyun a strange look and bites his lip.
“What?” Jonghyun says crossly, then jumps in surprise when Kibum climbs up to his bed and hugs him.
“I’m sorry, Jjong. I forgot that you’re such an attention whore, you’d even consider an infant as a rival for other people’s affections,” Kibum says into his shoulder.
“I hate you, asshole.” Jonghyun scowls, but hugs him tightly back.
Kibum pulls back with a grin. “So we’re good?”
Jonghyun rolls his eyes. “Get off my bed.”
Kibum jumps back down to Jinki. “Hyung, I want to apologize to you, too. You were right, we should have called the police and gotten Lock back to his real parents. It’s just-I really wanted to know what it’s like to be married and take care of a baby.”
Jinki smiles softly and wraps his arms around Kibum, knowing that the younger boy is probably feeling a lot more than he is admitting out loud. “It’s okay. I’m going to miss him, too,” he whispers, tightening his hold when he hears Kibum sniffle. He places a gentle kiss on Kibum’s forehead. Kibum tilts his head up, and Jinki aims lower, lips brushing against Kibum’s.
“You can always adopt-” Jonghyun makes the mistake of looking down at them. “Oh, ew. Get a room, will you? Not this one-I was here first.” When neither shows signs of hearing his request, Jonghyun stomps out of the room, despairing of the fact that no one ever pays enough attention to him.
-
The next day, all five members get a telling-off from one of their managers, and Jinki ends up spending the better half of two hours bowing and apologizing repeatedly while the other four easily get bored of the lecture. They opt for arranging appropriately repentant expressions on their faces whenever their manager gives them the evil eye, and holding a thumb-wrestling tournament the rest of the time.
They later find out that Lock’s real name is Kim Minki, that his mother is one of SHINee’s fans (albeit of the crazy noona variety), and that they could have been charged for kidnapping if said crazy noona fan had complained to the proper authorities of Minki’s whereabouts.
“But she intentionally left him at our doorstep,” Kibum argues, Lock sitting in his lap, “and we would have given him back if she asked.”
(At which point Jonghyun suddenly develops a coughing fit and Jinki looks to the heavens, thanking higher beings for restoring his life to normalcy. Minho, who has no interest whatsoever in the proceedings, and Taemin, who couldn’t recognize the technical jargon thereof, content themselves with duking it out in a ten-round thumb-wrestling championship match until their manager runs out of steam.)
Kibum becomes quite emotional at the time of parting, outdoing even Jonghyun’s theatrics whenever SHINee receives a prestigious award-a fact that Jinki helpfully reminds Jonghyun of when he starts laughing at Kibum “for being such a goddamn woman.” Jinki asks their manager if it’s possible for them to see Lock again after this, and when their manager says that it’s highly unlikely, Jinki is privately relieved, although he would never admit it to Kibum. He feels a little bit of regret when Lock graces him with a four-toothed smile, waves at him with his chubby hand as the manager carries him away.
“I still want to get married early,” Kibum confides, three consolatory chocolate bars and two boxes of Kleenex later.
Jinki chokes on the juice he is drinking, and Minho thumps him hard on the back.
“Wait, no. Before all that, I want a really grand wedding. I mean, I’ve done the whole parent part, but the wedding is what gives the whole marriage a point, you know?”
“Will you be designing your own wedding dress, then?” Jonghyun asks, and promptly gets a fistful of used tissues in his hair.
“I get to be best man,” Taemin claims.
Jonghyun frowns. “No, Taeminnie, that’s my spot.”
“Is not! You’ll make me best man, won’t you, Jinki-hyung?” Taemin pouts adorably at Jinki.
Jinki’s face reddens. “Why are you asking me?”
“Because you’re the groom, obviously,” Taemin responds, rolling his eyes. He turns to Jonghyun. “So that makes you the maid of honor, hyung!”
Jonghyun splutters indignantly.
“What about Minho?” Kibum asks, starting to look amused.
Taemin gives Minho an appraising look. “You can be the…flower boy?”
Even Jinki bursts out laughing at that.
Onew/Key, PG-13, humor
summary: In which a baby is found on SHINee’s doorstep, Kibum discovers the joys of parenthood, and Jinki’s life becomes ten times harder than it already is.
a/n: for hyungdeul, who sobbed because i wrote ontae first. i...am sorry for my fail OTL. ilu!
Key: I want to get married early. I want to have a son that looks exactly like me. Without having a girlfriend. I just want to have a married life.
Onew: He’s saying that he wants a baby that looks like him to fall from the sky.
Key: Yes, I wish that would happen.
~090804 Doogeun Doogeun Live Chat
Kibum wakes up to the sound of crying - a relentless onslaught of annoyingly loud, high-pitched wails that makes him curl up in bed, mentally composing a string of colorful words that he intends to direct at whoever had the gall to leave the TV on last night. Only he can’t quite remember who the culprit is. He cracks one eye open, deciding to blame Jinki because if memory fails, everything is automatically Jinki’s fault, and he is reaching across his bed to shake Jinki hard on the shoulder when the wails level up into banshee shrieks.
Taemin stirs, face unconsciously scrunching up at the noise. Kibum freezes for one horrified second before shooting out of bed and running as quietly as he can to the living room. Bitching at Jinki would have to wait - he has to get rid of the source of that infernal screeching first. He swipes the remote control off the coffee table, thumb poised over the power button, and points it at the TV. Which, he belatedly realizes, is unplugged and completely silent.
Bewildered, he scans the vicinity, finally concluding that the crying is not, in fact, emanating from any electronic device inside the dorm. He frowns and takes long strides toward the front door, wrenching it open.
Then he looks down. And screams.
-
“What the fuck, Kibum,” Jonghyun grumbles as he stomps out of the bedroom, irritation written all over his sleep-deprived face, “Did a cockroach land on you or-” He stops. Then gawks. Then proceeds to whip his head in various directions, looking positively mortified. “Oh my god, are we in a new reality show? Argh, don’t film my face, I’m not ready-!”
“Shut up, Jjong,” Kibum hisses, glaring at him from the couch. The baby cradled in his arms blinks drowsily as he rocks it back and forth.
“He’s so cute, hyung!” Taemin whispers. He is perched on the couch’s armrest, watching the baby in fascination. Minho is on Kibum’s other side, nodding off, one foot still planted firmly in dreamland. Jinki is standing in front of Kibum, wringing his hands and looking at the baby with undisguised apprehension.
Jonghyun shuffles next to Jinki after making sure that there are no hidden cameras bearing witness to his horrific case of bedhead. Squatting down, he gives the baby’s cheek an experimental poke, earning himself a slap upside the head from Kibum. The baby squirms and opens its huge dark eyes. There is a collective intake of breath, and Jonghyun and Taemin exclaim, in unison, “Can we keep it?”
Jinki starts to splutter an indignant “No” when Kibum kicks him in the shin.
“He’s my son,” Kibum announces, with so much conviction that Taemin’s eyes go wider than the baby’s and Jonghyun topples onto his butt in shock. “Of course we’re keeping him.”
-
“But Kibum-ah, you have no idea where he even comes from,” a stricken Jinki tries to reason as Kibum very gently settles the sleeping baby onto Jinki’s bed and tucks him in.
Kibum makes an impatient noise and waves a hand dismissively. “He was lying in a basket and abandoned at our front door. What did you want me to do, leave him there? I didn’t know you could be so heartless, Jinki-hyung.”
Jinki looks horrified that Kibum could formulate such cruel accusations about him. “I didn’t say anything like that! He has to have parents somewhere! He might even be the victim of a kidnapping! We have to call the police-”
“We are doing no such thing.” Kibum’s eyes are narrowed into slits, arms folded as he glowers at Jinki in a manner that promises bodily harm if he doesn’t have his way.
Jinki frowns. He’s still the leader, dammit, and just because he and Kibum have a…special relationship does not mean that Kibum could boss him around and make decisions for him and their group. “I,” he says, as authoritatively as he could muster, “am going to call our manager and let him handle this. You can play umma all you want until he gets here, but when he does, I expect you to turn over this child to the proper authorities without any fuss. Is that understood?”
Kibum growls and fists his hands in the collar of Jinki’s pajamas, backing him into a corner until his back is flat against the closet door. Jinki squeaks and flails - okay, Kibum could be such a girl sometimes, but he is stockier than Jinki and has nicer muscles and Jinki kind of doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of his punches, ever. He shuts his eyes tight and throws his hands over his face, but Kibum easily wrenches them out of the way and-
-kisses him, hard and fierce, and Jinki is so surprised he forgets to respond. But only for three seconds because Kibum’s hand is deftly flicking at buttons and slips just so over Jinki’s exposed chest, Jinki’s heartbeat at his fingertips as Jinki reflexively wraps an arm around his waist. Jinki starts kissing back with equal fervor, free hand skimming along the waistband of Kibum’s boxers, when Kibum pulls back, lips flushed with attention and eyes half-mast. “The baby stays,” he breathes, fixing Jinki with a gaze that suddenly makes Jinki aware of how hot it is in the room.
“Um,” is all that Jinki says in reply. Somewhere in the back of his mind a voice is protesting that this is totally unfair, this is shameless manipulation and his pride and integrity will not allow Kibum to-press his fingers there, brush his knuckles over that, and. “Um.”
“Is that a yes?” Kibum inquires, and his palm finds something that makes Jinki gasp and dig his fingers into Kibum’s sides.
Jinki would have dearly loved to glare at Kibum right then and there, but his eyes are too busy rolling into the back of his head. “Okay, okay, just-”
“I thought so.” Kibum smiles and gives Jinki a quick peck on the lips, then skips out of the bedroom as if nothing had just transpired.
Jinki sinks down to the floor feeling all kinds of cheated.
-
“What’s his name?” Taemin asks over breakfast.
Kibum munches thoughtfully on his mouthful of cereal. “Hmm…”
“It has to be really cool,” Jonghyun jumps in. “Like…Bling Bling.”
“That’s your name, dumbass,” Kibum scoffs, “No way I’m naming my precious son after a dork like you.”
Jonghyun sticks his tongue out at him. “Hah! Did you hear that, Taeminnie? This pretentious kid picks up a baby from God knows where, and he suddenly forgets that he already has another son. Some umma he is.” He scoots his chair closer to Taemin’s and ruffles their maknae’s hair consolingly.
“Hey! Don’t listen to his lies, Taemin-ah.” Kibum swats Jonghyun’s hand away and hugs Taemin. “You’re still my son no matter what.”
“Sure, whatever,” Taemin says, looking bored with their antics. “But hyung, the baby’s name...”
“I know! Let’s name him Haneul. Because divine intervention must have brought him here, as if God dropped him out of the sky!” Jinki beams at his own brilliance.
A blanket of silence falls upon them.
“No, I don’t think so,” Kibum finally says, ignoring the way Jinki’s face falls. “I want a unique name. It’s only fitting because he’s mine.”
Minho sighs, wondering why his bandmates fretted over the pettiest things. “Well, you’re Key, right? How about just naming him…Lock, or something.”
There’s another pause. Then, “Minho, you’re a genius.”
Minho stares at Kibum in disbelief. “Actually, I was kidding-”
“I like it. It’s not a traditional name, either. Contemporary, like SHINee!” Jonghyun claps Minho on the back.
“I still like Haneul better,” Jinki says with a pout.
“What do you think, Taeminnie?” Jonghyun prompts.
Taemin, who was peering past the kitchen door, snaps to. “Hyung? I think Lock just woke up.”
They stare at one another for a dreaded moment before simultaneously bolting out of their seats after the first wail that reaches their ears.
-
Jinki really doesn’t think that leaving a six-month-old baby in the care of five teenage boys is the most stellar of ideas, but he has to admit, Kibum handles the parent thing quite well. Within five minutes he manages to calm the baby down, write out a grocery list, and bark out orders to the other members like a mother assigning chores to several unmotivated children.
“Why do I have to go to the convenience store?” Jonghyun complains, staring at the rather long list of baby essentials that Kibum has given him.
Kibum shoots him a dirty look. “Because I say so, that’s why. Taemin-ah, you can go with him.”
“Okay!” Taemin chirps, taking Jonghyun by the hand and leading him out of the apartment. “Hyung, I want a cheeseburger. You’ll treat me, right?”
Jonghyun’s voice can be heard even after the front door swings shut. “Sure! Let’s go to the video arcade while we’re at it…”
Kibum stares after them. “You know what, Minho, I think you should-”
Minho nods imperceptibly and is out the door before Kibum even finishes his sentence.
That leaves Jinki, who is lying on his side in bed, making funny faces at Lock in an attempt to entertain him. Lock’s face crumples and he lets out a bloodcurdling bawl.
“I didn’t do anything!” Jinki says defensively, when Kibum barges into the bedroom with an ominous expression. “Kids usually laugh when I-”
“Go away, hyung,” Kibum huffs, pushing a protesting Jinki off his own bed and producing a milk-filled baby bottle seemingly out of nowhere. He leans over the baby, obstructing Jinki’s view, and when he pulls back Lock is happily sucking away, appeased.
“Where did you get that?” Jinki asks, amazed.
“It was in the basket with Lock,” Kibum answers, as if this ought to have been obvious. “I had to check if it was still good, though, then of course I had to warm the milk up. But we don’t have anything else fit for infant consumption so I added baby formula to the list of stuff to buy.”
Jinki looks mildly impressed. “So what do we do now?”
Kibum lets out a long-suffering sigh. “Well, I’m the one who makes Lock stop crying and feeds him, and Jjong, Taeminnie and Minho are out buying everything he needs. You haven’t contributed anything yet, hyung.”
Jinki blinks. “Okay, what can I do to he-wait, no.”
Kibum smiles sweetly back at him. “There was an extra diaper in the basket too.”
“Kibum-”
“And there are cotton balls and soap in the bathroom.”
“But I don’t-”
“I think you’ll be able to tell by yourself when he needs to change.”
“You are so-”
“Thanks, hyung!”
“But he’s your son!”
-
Jinki’s hairstylist stares. “So…you’re saying this is your baby brother?”
Jinki nods and smiles, trying to ignore how Lock is drooling all over his shoulder. The kid seemed to have deemed Jinki a worthy guardian after Jinki’s first traumatic nappy-changing session, and had warmed up considerably to him after that.
Kibum opens his mouth, but Jonghyun elbows him hard in the ribs and adds loudly, “Yes, shocking, isn’t it? The age gaps of siblings these days - parents can be so unpredictable. Anyway, noona, we were wondering if you would do us a favor…”
The hairstylist noona raises an eyebrow. “Let me guess. You want me to look after him while you’re off filming.”
Jinki bows apologetically. “And, um. Could you maybe, um, not mention this to anyone? Because we’re not supposed to-ow,” Jinki’s eyes water as Jonghyun steps neatly on his toes.
“What he means is, he really wants to spend quality time with his dongsaeng because this is the first time they’ve met since the kid was born. But our managers might get mad if they find out that we’ve smuggled a baby into the studio - they’ll definitely have him sent back to Jinki-hyung’s parents. If that happens, Jinki-hyung’s dongsaeng might be in kindergarten by the time Jinki-hyung gets to see him again!” Jonghyun sniffles and pretends to wipe a tear away for emphasis.
“O-oh. That’s - I’m so sorry! I’ll take good care of him until you get back,” the wide-eyed noona promises, all traces of skepticism vanishing.
“Great,” Kibum says briskly, dumping a gigantic baby bag onto the nearest dressing table. “There’s a color-coded booklet of instructions in there. It’s idiot-proof-even Jonghyun-hyung becomes a competent babysitter after reading it-so Lock better be happy or asleep when we come back to get him.” He lifts Lock from Jinki’s arms and kisses him on the forehead, and Lock giggles.
“Okay…” the noona trails off. She gives Jinki (who is staring sadly at his ruined shirt sleeve) a strange look as she takes Lock from Kibum. “This Lock kid is your brother, right?”
“Don’t mind Kibum, he’s got Cradle Snatcher Syndrome,” Jonghyun says, stung by Kibum’s earlier remark. “Can we go now? We still have to put on makeup.” He turns and practically drags a reluctant Kibum away from Lock, Jinki following closely behind them.
-
“Oh my god. What did I do? Why is he crying?” Kibum wails, distraught, when Lock howls at the top of his lungs as soon as Kibum touches him.
Jonghyun slings a comforting arm around Kibum’s shoulders. “It’s okay, Kibum-ah, maybe he finally realized that you’re not his real mommy.” Kibum frowns, and Jonghyun hastily adds, “But don’t worry, you’re still really pretty!”
Jinki steps forward, prying the agitated baby from the hairstylist noona. Lock stops mid-wail and gurgles at Jinki, who smiles warmly back at him.
“What the hell?” Kibum gapes at Jinki in surprise.
Jinki waves goodbye to his hairstylist before turning to regard Kibum’s incredulous expression. “I think he’s scared of your makeup, Kibum-ah,” he says gently.
Jonghyun cracks up as a horrified Kibum scrambles to clean up his face.
-
It’s been a week since SHINee adopted Lock, and everyone except Kibum is beginning to regret it. Precious sleeping time becomes all the more scarce as Lock tends to wake up in the middle of the night, preferring to share his insomnia with the help of a series of glass-shattering shrieks, and many a day has passed wherein one of the members walked into the kitchen with bloodshot eyes or a particularly strong urge to spew forth cuss words.
Nobody is brave enough to stand up to Kibum, who would sooner fling a used diaper in the complainant’s face than listen to said complainant’s grievances about the newest addition to their household, and so it fell upon Jinki to receive the brunt of his dongsaengs’ displeasure.
“Hyung, Lock tore up all my lyric sheets! And do you know what Kibum said? He said it was my fault I left them lying around, how fucked up is that? It took me ages to write all those!” Jonghyun is on the verge of angry tears.
Jinki rolls over on his bed and stares hopelessly at the strips of paper fisted in Jonghyun’s hands. “Don’t worry about it, Jonghyun-ah, I’ll help you piece them back together.”
Minho walks into the room, a frown on his usually impassive face. “Hyung…I can’t concentrate on doing my homework with all the noise Kibum and Lock are making. Tell them to stop.”
Jinki pales. “Is he making Lock watch Barney again? Oh god…”
As if confirming his assumptions, Taemin stalks past Minho and flings himself unceremoniously on Jinki’s bed. “Hyung! The Prisoner of Azkaban is on TV and I want to watch it but Kibum-hyung says I can’t!”
Jinki sighs and pats Taemin on the head, his resolve crumbling. “Okay. Taemin-ah, tell Kibum that it’s your turn to watch TV, but keep the volume down so that Minho can study.”
Taemin beams at him. “Thanks, hyung!” He bounces out of the room, a relieved Minho in tow.
Jinki closes his eyes, relishing the brief ten seconds of peace that ensues before shouting and crying breaks the silence. The approach of stomping footsteps alerts him to the impending drama that is about to occur.
“Jinki-hyung!” Kibum says angrily. Jinki is really starting to hate the sound of his own name. “Taemin says you’re allowing him to watch that stupid Harry Potter movie again. He’s watched it ten times already! Lock needs to be educated!”
Jonghyun scoffs loudly from atop his bunk.
“I heard that, Jjong.”
“Good, because that was intentional.”
Jinki sits up wearily. “Guys, quit it.” He motions for Kibum to come closer, and Kibum sits next to him with a huff. “Where’s Lock?” Jinki asks.
“With Taemin. I promised I’d let him watch TV if he could make Lock stop crying by himself.” Kibum cocks his head to the side, looking surprised despite himself. “Hey-he stopped!”
“You think he fell head over heels for that girl in the movie, too?” Jonghyun remarks innocuously. Kibum throws a pillow at him, then pouts at Jinki.
“Lock has to finish the episode we were watching, at least,” Kibum tells him. “Come on, hyung. Tell Taeminnie to do his homework first.”
Jinki suddenly has a brilliant idea. “Kibum-ah,” he says, voice laden with concern, “Look at yourself. You told Taemin-goon that he’s still your son no matter what, but you’ve been neglecting him.”
Kibum looks at Jinki as if he’s been slapped. “I have not! I’m just concerned about his schoolwork!”
“He finished all his homework two hours ago.”
“…he did?” Kibum looks slightly abashed.
Jinki nods solemnly. “And Minho still hasn’t finished his because you’re not making the atmosphere of this dorm conducive for learning-”
“Tell me about it. Listening to that stupid dinosaur’s singing is enough to fry anybody’s brain cells,” Jonghyun grumbles.
“-and Jonghyunnie’s bitter that you’ve been neglecting him, too, because I don’t remember either of you ever fighting over stupid things like this-”
“I am not bitter!” Jonghyun protests, cheeks turning pink. “And there’s nothing stupid about my lyric sheets!”
Kibum shoots Jonghyun a strange look and bites his lip.
“What?” Jonghyun says crossly, then jumps in surprise when Kibum climbs up to his bed and hugs him.
“I’m sorry, Jjong. I forgot that you’re such an attention whore, you’d even consider an infant as a rival for other people’s affections,” Kibum says into his shoulder.
“I hate you, asshole.” Jonghyun scowls, but hugs him tightly back.
Kibum pulls back with a grin. “So we’re good?”
Jonghyun rolls his eyes. “Get off my bed.”
Kibum jumps back down to Jinki. “Hyung, I want to apologize to you, too. You were right, we should have called the police and gotten Lock back to his real parents. It’s just-I really wanted to know what it’s like to be married and take care of a baby.”
Jinki smiles softly and wraps his arms around Kibum, knowing that the younger boy is probably feeling a lot more than he is admitting out loud. “It’s okay. I’m going to miss him, too,” he whispers, tightening his hold when he hears Kibum sniffle. He places a gentle kiss on Kibum’s forehead. Kibum tilts his head up, and Jinki aims lower, lips brushing against Kibum’s.
“You can always adopt-” Jonghyun makes the mistake of looking down at them. “Oh, ew. Get a room, will you? Not this one-I was here first.” When neither shows signs of hearing his request, Jonghyun stomps out of the room, despairing of the fact that no one ever pays enough attention to him.
-
The next day, all five members get a telling-off from one of their managers, and Jinki ends up spending the better half of two hours bowing and apologizing repeatedly while the other four easily get bored of the lecture. They opt for arranging appropriately repentant expressions on their faces whenever their manager gives them the evil eye, and holding a thumb-wrestling tournament the rest of the time.
They later find out that Lock’s real name is Kim Minki, that his mother is one of SHINee’s fans (albeit of the crazy noona variety), and that they could have been charged for kidnapping if said crazy noona fan had complained to the proper authorities of Minki’s whereabouts.
“But she intentionally left him at our doorstep,” Kibum argues, Lock sitting in his lap, “and we would have given him back if she asked.”
(At which point Jonghyun suddenly develops a coughing fit and Jinki looks to the heavens, thanking higher beings for restoring his life to normalcy. Minho, who has no interest whatsoever in the proceedings, and Taemin, who couldn’t recognize the technical jargon thereof, content themselves with duking it out in a ten-round thumb-wrestling championship match until their manager runs out of steam.)
Kibum becomes quite emotional at the time of parting, outdoing even Jonghyun’s theatrics whenever SHINee receives a prestigious award-a fact that Jinki helpfully reminds Jonghyun of when he starts laughing at Kibum “for being such a goddamn woman.” Jinki asks their manager if it’s possible for them to see Lock again after this, and when their manager says that it’s highly unlikely, Jinki is privately relieved, although he would never admit it to Kibum. He feels a little bit of regret when Lock graces him with a four-toothed smile, waves at him with his chubby hand as the manager carries him away.
“I still want to get married early,” Kibum confides, three consolatory chocolate bars and two boxes of Kleenex later.
Jinki chokes on the juice he is drinking, and Minho thumps him hard on the back.
“Wait, no. Before all that, I want a really grand wedding. I mean, I’ve done the whole parent part, but the wedding is what gives the whole marriage a point, you know?”
“Will you be designing your own wedding dress, then?” Jonghyun asks, and promptly gets a fistful of used tissues in his hair.
“I get to be best man,” Taemin claims.
Jonghyun frowns. “No, Taeminnie, that’s my spot.”
“Is not! You’ll make me best man, won’t you, Jinki-hyung?” Taemin pouts adorably at Jinki.
Jinki’s face reddens. “Why are you asking me?”
“Because you’re the groom, obviously,” Taemin responds, rolling his eyes. He turns to Jonghyun. “So that makes you the maid of honor, hyung!”
Jonghyun splutters indignantly.
“What about Minho?” Kibum asks, starting to look amused.
Taemin gives Minho an appraising look. “You can be the…flower boy?”
Even Jinki bursts out laughing at that.