Hustle: the panto
Disclaimer: These characters belong to Kudos. I'm just borrowing.
Note: I know Stacie and Danny never met Carlton and Harry, but it was necessary for what I (optimistically) call the plot.
Thanks to handymelon for the beta.
"I'm so looking forward to this," said Carlton to Harry. "Finally getting revenge on Mickey Bricks and his crew after what he did to us last time."
"Your plan is absolutely fool-proof," said Harry.
"Isn't it?" said Carlton, feeling proud of himself.
***
Carlton's look of triumph was short lived as he realised he had been conned again.
Albert grinned broadly at the young man sitting by the fourth wall of the room.
"A plan is only fool-proof if your fool isn't too stupid," he said.
"Who is that guy anyway?" asked Carlton.
"Hmmm? Oh, that's Cameron...," said Albert.
"Yes, and?"
"He writes everything down," he explained. "Whenever there's a tricky plot twist, we explain it to Cameron, and he writes it down."
"You explain it?"
"Yes." Albert nodded solemnly.
"You *explain* it?"
"In case they don't understand it ."
"They?"
"The fans..."
"We have fans?"
"*We* have fans."
Carlton looked at Harry.
"Why don't we have fans?"
Harry shrugged.
"I suppose..."
"Yes?" Carlton sounded intimidating, so Harry decided not to say they weren't very nice.
"I suppose it's because we haven't been in many episodes."
"Hmmm. Find us some. Or else."
Harry rolled his eyes. Where did you get fans anyway?
***
Carlton was furious.
"Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrssssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeee," he said.
"Is something wrong?" asked Harry.
"You mean apart from losing all that money?"
"Oh that."
"Yes that. That Michael Stone and his crew, they're so irritating. They fancy themselves as some kind of Robin Hood figures."
"You mean they steal from the rich and give to the poor?"
"Well they do steal from the rich..."
"So they're like us then."
"Well, yes but we don't come out with all this crap about never cheating an honest man and stuff..."
"So you're claiming the moral high ground by being honest about your motives..."
Carlton rubbed his chin.
"Maybe not 'moral'..."
"High ground then?"
"Not 'high' exactly..."
"'Ground'?"
"Definitely 'ground'."
"Can I just point out that they've already fooled you..."
Carlton frowned at him.
"...us," amended Harry, "they've fooled us twice, so shouldn't we just leave it?"
"No, I've got a cunning plan."
"Is it so cunning it bristles?"
"You've stolen that line from Baldrick."
"Oh, so I have."
"No, this is brilliant. We," he announced proudly, "are going to kidnap Stacie!"
"Kidnapping? Isn't that illegal?"
"Duh! It's all illegal, this stuff. Now get on with it."
Harry went off, grumbling. He always got the tough jobs, like finding fans and kidnapping, while Carlton got the easy stuff, like laughing evilly and shouting.
Harry knew that Carlton would tell him off if he put an ad in the Telegraph for a kidnapper. But luckily Harry had a plan. Obviously he could not reveal this plan to anyone...
***
A couple of days later, Harry came in with Stacie.
"I've got her, boss," he said, looking pleased with himself.
"Really?"
"Really!"
"I never thought you could do it."
"You don't appreciate me," said Harry mournfully.
"Quite right, I don't. Now, how are we going to make sure she doesn't escape?"
"What we need is an enchanted forest or something like that."
"And where are we going to get an enchanted forest?"
"I dunno - we need a fairy. Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a fairy godmother would it?"
Carlton rolled his eyes.
"Well," continued Harry, "maybe you could try rubbing the teapot..."
"Rubbing the teapot?" asked Carlton incredulously. "This isn't an arsing pantomime."
"Oh yes it is."
"No it's not."
"Oh yes it is."
"Stop it! OK *you* can rub the teapot."
Harry rubbed the teapot, and to their astonishment, a strapping six foot male fairy appeared.
"I am not a fairy," he announced.
"You look like a fairy," said Harry, hiding behind Carlton nevertheless, because he did look like a very *fierce* fairy.
"I am *not* a bloody fairy."
"So who are you?" asked Carlton.
"I'm the Gene Genie," he said, "and you've got three wishes. Usual rules apply: no using a wish to get more wishes, or I'll stamp on all your toys; and no asking for people to fall in love with you - the Gene Genie doesn't do love."
"Yeah!" said Harry, excitedly. "Just what we need."
"OK, said Carlton, "we need an enchanted forest around the house so that only the most noble of heart can get in or out."
"Wait..." said Harry.
"Done," said Gene, and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"How are we supposed to go to the pub?" asked Harry. "Hmm? How are we supposed to get food? We're not noble are we?"
"Aarrssee!" shouted Carlton. "Why didn't you say something?"
Harry frowned. "I did try..." he said.
Carlton considered for a while.
"I'm sure they're not going to leave Stacie here for long. They're going to find the ten million, and then we can get Gene to get rid of the forest and get out of here. In the meantime, we'll get him to give us a load of food..."
"...and drink..." interrupted Harry.
"...and drink," agreed Carlton, "which will last us until they get the money. Actually, we'll ask him to make it self-replenishing..."
"Cunning..." said Harry.
"It was, wasn't it?" Carlton looked proud of himself.
Harry found the teapot and Gene reappeared, looking more casual this time in jeans and a green shirt.
"Yes?"
Carlton explained what he wanted.
"Since it's Christmas," said Gene, "I'll give you stuff for Christmas dinner. Christmas pudding with bandy butter: check. Turkey and cranberry sauce: check. Little sausages and stuffing with bacon: check. Roast potatoes and roast parsnips: check. Sprouts: check."
"Doesn't matter about the sprouts," said Harry.
"Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without sprouts," Gene said. "I'll just pick you some wine. House rubbish OK? Now remember, you have just one wish left."
"OK," said Carlton. "Time to let Stone and the crew know what they're up against. Send them an email..."
Harry quickly composed an email and sent it off to Mickey.
***
"Mick, we've got an email from Carlton - he's kidnapped Stace and he wants £10 million," Ash said glumly. "And they can't even spell Stacie..."
"Maybe we can find out where he's holding her."
"Oh, they've given us the address..."
Mickey laughed.
"OK Ash, what kind of defences does the place have?" asked Mickey.
"Well, there's an enchanted forest all around. They said you have to be noble of heart to get through."
"We ain't noble," put in Danny. "We're grifters, ain't we?"
"Mmm, yes," said Mickey. He looked at Ash. "Can you take it down? Break into the system or something?"
"Mick, it's a forest: you can't just de-activate it."
"Hmmm. So... what do we do?"
"You could use... this." Ash handed him an axe.
"An axe?"
"It's all I can come up with at such short notice."
Mickey nodded.
"OK. Let's do this. Danny, let's go."
***
Danny and Mickey returned sometime later, scratched and bleeding.
"It's impossible," said Danny. "Them branches, they just leap out at ya. You swing the axe at 'em, and they attack you."
Albert raised a quizzical eyebrow, but Mickey nodded.
"It's true Albert - there's no way through. We'll have to pay. Find us a mark who's very, very rich."
Albert nodded and picked up a copy of the Financial Times. Meanwhile Ash shut his computer and walked out of the room.
***
Harry looked at his dinner unenthusiastically. He was fed up of sprouts.
"I wish I could have something else.... I really fancy a plate of fish and chips," he said.
A big plate of fish and chips appeared in front of him.
"That was your final wish," said Gene who had just appeared. "You will not see me again."
"But...," said Harry. "Oh shit," he said.
Carlton came in.
"That smells good," he said. "Erm, where did you get it from?"
Harry said nothing.
"Where did you get it from?" Carlton asked, more loudly this time.
"I wished for it."
"YOU DID WHAT?"
Harry pulled up the collar of his jacket.
"I wished for it," he said again.
"You wished for it," said Carlton in a scarily quiet voice.
Harry nodded, waiting for the storm to break.
"You wished for it?"
Harry nodded again.
"Do you know what that means?"
Harry nodded a third time.
"Sprouts forever."
"Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrssssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeee," shouted Carlton.
"I don't like them either," said Harry.
***
Ash stood by the forest and considered his plan. It wasn't much of a plan, he thought.
"I don't care if you attack me," he said to the trees, "but I love Stacie, and I'm coming through anyway."
To his surprise, a path opened in front of him.
Ash turned to Cameron, who had followed him to the forest.
"It's lucky love makes you noble," he said.
"What happens now?" asked Cameron.
"We don't usually reveal the plot until the end, but basically I'm going to rescue Stacie."
"Like the handsome prince in the story?"
"I don't know about that," said Ash looking a bit embarrassed.
"And if she's asleep, you have to kiss her to wake her up."
"Really?"
"Definitely." Cameron paused, then continued. "Of course, you could just kiss her anyway. You know you want to."
"Look, I explain the plot to you, not the other way around."
"Yeah, but you need a bit of encouragement."
"I s'pose." He thought for a while. "But... I thought everybody fancied Danny. That's what Danny says anyway. Or Mickey. She's not gonna..."
"Not true. Plenty of women fancy you. Anyway, I'm telling you, Stacie'll be happy you made the first move, so no excuses."
Ash was amazed at what Cameron had told him. He didn't know what to say, so he just walked down the path, considering what to do if he did manage to rescue Stacie. Nah, he couldn't.
Could he?
Well, there wasn't long to decide. The house was not far ahead. Looking over his shoulder, he saw that the path had disappeared behind him.
He was surprised when Harry ran out to meet him.
"Thank God! Have you come to rescue us?"
"Um no. I've come to rescue Stacie."
"But we're stuck here. You have to help us."
"Do I? I mean, let Stacie go, and we'll talk."
"OK," he said. "Come in, and sit in the lounge. I'll get you a drink. Coffee, beer, whisky?"
"Whisky please," said Ash, who felt like he needed a strong drink.
"Do help yourself: I'll be back shortly."
Five minutes later, Harry returned with Stacie.
"Ash!" she exclaimed, rushing over to him.
"It's great to see you, Stace," he said.
He kissed her briefly on the lips. She looked surprised but pleased. Ash looked over at Cameron, who gave him a thumbs-up. So Ash took Stacie in his arms and kissed her again, not so briefly.
Harry coughed.
Stacie slipped her arm around Ash's waist and turned to face Harry.
"What?"
"Now I've let you go, I want to know if Ash is going to help us."
Ash was so happy about what had just happened, that he felt he would do anything for anyone.
"Yeah..."
"Ash, wait..."
Ash looked at Stacie. Stacie looked at Harry.
"We want to discuss this for a couple of minutes."
"OK," he said.
"Ash, are you sure about this? You know they've come after us before. They'll probably do it again."
"You're brilliant, you know that? Tell 'em not to. Make 'em sign something. I dunno. You're good at that sort of thing. Or do you want to leave them here forever? Only thing is, I don't know if we can get out without them. Wouldn't be noble to leave them here, would it?"
Stacie looked at him and smiled.
"Ash, I love you, you know."
"You do?"
"Yes. I do."
"Wow..." He turned to Cameron, grinning broadly.
"Did you hear that?" he asked.
"Yeah, well, I told you. Now, go on, your turn," said Cameron.
"What?" He looked flustered for a moment. "Oh yeah, I love you too Stace," said Ash.
Stacie went to the door and shouted for Harry.
"OK Harry, we're going to help you, on one condition. You and Carlton have to promise to leave us alone."
"Sure, anything."
"We're leaving now - are you ready?"
"I'll just get Carlton."
***
"You're doing WHAT?" asked Carlton.
"It's our only way out," explained Harry. "Do you really want to stay here forever? Even if we get 10 million, we can't spend it. Besides there are always other people to steal from."
"I suppose so. OK, let's go."
So Ash and Stacie led Harry and Carlton out of the enchanted wood.
"What happens now?" Cameron asked.
"You go home, and we live happily ever after," said Ash.
And so they did.
Note: I know Stacie and Danny never met Carlton and Harry, but it was necessary for what I (optimistically) call the plot.
Thanks to handymelon for the beta.
"I'm so looking forward to this," said Carlton to Harry. "Finally getting revenge on Mickey Bricks and his crew after what he did to us last time."
"Your plan is absolutely fool-proof," said Harry.
"Isn't it?" said Carlton, feeling proud of himself.
***
Carlton's look of triumph was short lived as he realised he had been conned again.
Albert grinned broadly at the young man sitting by the fourth wall of the room.
"A plan is only fool-proof if your fool isn't too stupid," he said.
"Who is that guy anyway?" asked Carlton.
"Hmmm? Oh, that's Cameron...," said Albert.
"Yes, and?"
"He writes everything down," he explained. "Whenever there's a tricky plot twist, we explain it to Cameron, and he writes it down."
"You explain it?"
"Yes." Albert nodded solemnly.
"You *explain* it?"
"In case they don't understand it ."
"They?"
"The fans..."
"We have fans?"
"*We* have fans."
Carlton looked at Harry.
"Why don't we have fans?"
Harry shrugged.
"I suppose..."
"Yes?" Carlton sounded intimidating, so Harry decided not to say they weren't very nice.
"I suppose it's because we haven't been in many episodes."
"Hmmm. Find us some. Or else."
Harry rolled his eyes. Where did you get fans anyway?
***
Carlton was furious.
"Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrssssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeee," he said.
"Is something wrong?" asked Harry.
"You mean apart from losing all that money?"
"Oh that."
"Yes that. That Michael Stone and his crew, they're so irritating. They fancy themselves as some kind of Robin Hood figures."
"You mean they steal from the rich and give to the poor?"
"Well they do steal from the rich..."
"So they're like us then."
"Well, yes but we don't come out with all this crap about never cheating an honest man and stuff..."
"So you're claiming the moral high ground by being honest about your motives..."
Carlton rubbed his chin.
"Maybe not 'moral'..."
"High ground then?"
"Not 'high' exactly..."
"'Ground'?"
"Definitely 'ground'."
"Can I just point out that they've already fooled you..."
Carlton frowned at him.
"...us," amended Harry, "they've fooled us twice, so shouldn't we just leave it?"
"No, I've got a cunning plan."
"Is it so cunning it bristles?"
"You've stolen that line from Baldrick."
"Oh, so I have."
"No, this is brilliant. We," he announced proudly, "are going to kidnap Stacie!"
"Kidnapping? Isn't that illegal?"
"Duh! It's all illegal, this stuff. Now get on with it."
Harry went off, grumbling. He always got the tough jobs, like finding fans and kidnapping, while Carlton got the easy stuff, like laughing evilly and shouting.
Harry knew that Carlton would tell him off if he put an ad in the Telegraph for a kidnapper. But luckily Harry had a plan. Obviously he could not reveal this plan to anyone...
***
A couple of days later, Harry came in with Stacie.
"I've got her, boss," he said, looking pleased with himself.
"Really?"
"Really!"
"I never thought you could do it."
"You don't appreciate me," said Harry mournfully.
"Quite right, I don't. Now, how are we going to make sure she doesn't escape?"
"What we need is an enchanted forest or something like that."
"And where are we going to get an enchanted forest?"
"I dunno - we need a fairy. Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a fairy godmother would it?"
Carlton rolled his eyes.
"Well," continued Harry, "maybe you could try rubbing the teapot..."
"Rubbing the teapot?" asked Carlton incredulously. "This isn't an arsing pantomime."
"Oh yes it is."
"No it's not."
"Oh yes it is."
"Stop it! OK *you* can rub the teapot."
Harry rubbed the teapot, and to their astonishment, a strapping six foot male fairy appeared.
"I am not a fairy," he announced.
"You look like a fairy," said Harry, hiding behind Carlton nevertheless, because he did look like a very *fierce* fairy.
"I am *not* a bloody fairy."
"So who are you?" asked Carlton.
"I'm the Gene Genie," he said, "and you've got three wishes. Usual rules apply: no using a wish to get more wishes, or I'll stamp on all your toys; and no asking for people to fall in love with you - the Gene Genie doesn't do love."
"Yeah!" said Harry, excitedly. "Just what we need."
"OK, said Carlton, "we need an enchanted forest around the house so that only the most noble of heart can get in or out."
"Wait..." said Harry.
"Done," said Gene, and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"How are we supposed to go to the pub?" asked Harry. "Hmm? How are we supposed to get food? We're not noble are we?"
"Aarrssee!" shouted Carlton. "Why didn't you say something?"
Harry frowned. "I did try..." he said.
Carlton considered for a while.
"I'm sure they're not going to leave Stacie here for long. They're going to find the ten million, and then we can get Gene to get rid of the forest and get out of here. In the meantime, we'll get him to give us a load of food..."
"...and drink..." interrupted Harry.
"...and drink," agreed Carlton, "which will last us until they get the money. Actually, we'll ask him to make it self-replenishing..."
"Cunning..." said Harry.
"It was, wasn't it?" Carlton looked proud of himself.
Harry found the teapot and Gene reappeared, looking more casual this time in jeans and a green shirt.
"Yes?"
Carlton explained what he wanted.
"Since it's Christmas," said Gene, "I'll give you stuff for Christmas dinner. Christmas pudding with bandy butter: check. Turkey and cranberry sauce: check. Little sausages and stuffing with bacon: check. Roast potatoes and roast parsnips: check. Sprouts: check."
"Doesn't matter about the sprouts," said Harry.
"Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without sprouts," Gene said. "I'll just pick you some wine. House rubbish OK? Now remember, you have just one wish left."
"OK," said Carlton. "Time to let Stone and the crew know what they're up against. Send them an email..."
Harry quickly composed an email and sent it off to Mickey.
***
"Mick, we've got an email from Carlton - he's kidnapped Stace and he wants £10 million," Ash said glumly. "And they can't even spell Stacie..."
"Maybe we can find out where he's holding her."
"Oh, they've given us the address..."
Mickey laughed.
"OK Ash, what kind of defences does the place have?" asked Mickey.
"Well, there's an enchanted forest all around. They said you have to be noble of heart to get through."
"We ain't noble," put in Danny. "We're grifters, ain't we?"
"Mmm, yes," said Mickey. He looked at Ash. "Can you take it down? Break into the system or something?"
"Mick, it's a forest: you can't just de-activate it."
"Hmmm. So... what do we do?"
"You could use... this." Ash handed him an axe.
"An axe?"
"It's all I can come up with at such short notice."
Mickey nodded.
"OK. Let's do this. Danny, let's go."
***
Danny and Mickey returned sometime later, scratched and bleeding.
"It's impossible," said Danny. "Them branches, they just leap out at ya. You swing the axe at 'em, and they attack you."
Albert raised a quizzical eyebrow, but Mickey nodded.
"It's true Albert - there's no way through. We'll have to pay. Find us a mark who's very, very rich."
Albert nodded and picked up a copy of the Financial Times. Meanwhile Ash shut his computer and walked out of the room.
***
Harry looked at his dinner unenthusiastically. He was fed up of sprouts.
"I wish I could have something else.... I really fancy a plate of fish and chips," he said.
A big plate of fish and chips appeared in front of him.
"That was your final wish," said Gene who had just appeared. "You will not see me again."
"But...," said Harry. "Oh shit," he said.
Carlton came in.
"That smells good," he said. "Erm, where did you get it from?"
Harry said nothing.
"Where did you get it from?" Carlton asked, more loudly this time.
"I wished for it."
"YOU DID WHAT?"
Harry pulled up the collar of his jacket.
"I wished for it," he said again.
"You wished for it," said Carlton in a scarily quiet voice.
Harry nodded, waiting for the storm to break.
"You wished for it?"
Harry nodded again.
"Do you know what that means?"
Harry nodded a third time.
"Sprouts forever."
"Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrssssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeee," shouted Carlton.
"I don't like them either," said Harry.
***
Ash stood by the forest and considered his plan. It wasn't much of a plan, he thought.
"I don't care if you attack me," he said to the trees, "but I love Stacie, and I'm coming through anyway."
To his surprise, a path opened in front of him.
Ash turned to Cameron, who had followed him to the forest.
"It's lucky love makes you noble," he said.
"What happens now?" asked Cameron.
"We don't usually reveal the plot until the end, but basically I'm going to rescue Stacie."
"Like the handsome prince in the story?"
"I don't know about that," said Ash looking a bit embarrassed.
"And if she's asleep, you have to kiss her to wake her up."
"Really?"
"Definitely." Cameron paused, then continued. "Of course, you could just kiss her anyway. You know you want to."
"Look, I explain the plot to you, not the other way around."
"Yeah, but you need a bit of encouragement."
"I s'pose." He thought for a while. "But... I thought everybody fancied Danny. That's what Danny says anyway. Or Mickey. She's not gonna..."
"Not true. Plenty of women fancy you. Anyway, I'm telling you, Stacie'll be happy you made the first move, so no excuses."
Ash was amazed at what Cameron had told him. He didn't know what to say, so he just walked down the path, considering what to do if he did manage to rescue Stacie. Nah, he couldn't.
Could he?
Well, there wasn't long to decide. The house was not far ahead. Looking over his shoulder, he saw that the path had disappeared behind him.
He was surprised when Harry ran out to meet him.
"Thank God! Have you come to rescue us?"
"Um no. I've come to rescue Stacie."
"But we're stuck here. You have to help us."
"Do I? I mean, let Stacie go, and we'll talk."
"OK," he said. "Come in, and sit in the lounge. I'll get you a drink. Coffee, beer, whisky?"
"Whisky please," said Ash, who felt like he needed a strong drink.
"Do help yourself: I'll be back shortly."
Five minutes later, Harry returned with Stacie.
"Ash!" she exclaimed, rushing over to him.
"It's great to see you, Stace," he said.
He kissed her briefly on the lips. She looked surprised but pleased. Ash looked over at Cameron, who gave him a thumbs-up. So Ash took Stacie in his arms and kissed her again, not so briefly.
Harry coughed.
Stacie slipped her arm around Ash's waist and turned to face Harry.
"What?"
"Now I've let you go, I want to know if Ash is going to help us."
Ash was so happy about what had just happened, that he felt he would do anything for anyone.
"Yeah..."
"Ash, wait..."
Ash looked at Stacie. Stacie looked at Harry.
"We want to discuss this for a couple of minutes."
"OK," he said.
"Ash, are you sure about this? You know they've come after us before. They'll probably do it again."
"You're brilliant, you know that? Tell 'em not to. Make 'em sign something. I dunno. You're good at that sort of thing. Or do you want to leave them here forever? Only thing is, I don't know if we can get out without them. Wouldn't be noble to leave them here, would it?"
Stacie looked at him and smiled.
"Ash, I love you, you know."
"You do?"
"Yes. I do."
"Wow..." He turned to Cameron, grinning broadly.
"Did you hear that?" he asked.
"Yeah, well, I told you. Now, go on, your turn," said Cameron.
"What?" He looked flustered for a moment. "Oh yeah, I love you too Stace," said Ash.
Stacie went to the door and shouted for Harry.
"OK Harry, we're going to help you, on one condition. You and Carlton have to promise to leave us alone."
"Sure, anything."
"We're leaving now - are you ready?"
"I'll just get Carlton."
***
"You're doing WHAT?" asked Carlton.
"It's our only way out," explained Harry. "Do you really want to stay here forever? Even if we get 10 million, we can't spend it. Besides there are always other people to steal from."
"I suppose so. OK, let's go."
So Ash and Stacie led Harry and Carlton out of the enchanted wood.
"What happens now?" Cameron asked.
"You go home, and we live happily ever after," said Ash.
And so they did.