abstract
Dude, I seriously need to take these next six weeks and apply the lessons I learned this summer, more of a new manifesta. I need to write these things down...maybe not here...
I look back at the past six and I just see a treadmill, only I'm sitting on the treadmill and my ass is inches from the floor.
It's striking how one can rationally understand something yet be emotionally resistant to it. This has been a difficult concept for me to grasp because my head wants my heart to be right (or is it vice versa?). I experienced this with my dad's death-- being rationally processed yet my body just held on...
my body likes to hold onto things. I have this ugly memory. By "memory," I don't mean "a moment from the past," but rather "the capacity to remember events and whatnot." I remember moments too well, feelings too well. I move with my heart and it holds on to the people I keep inside.
I guess the conclusion I wanted to come to is that while I have to be much more disciplined the next six weeks, I also have to be much more...alive. I have to honestly confront my fears and desires and work through them rather than escape them. I have to mold my honors project into something I like to do. Still, I have to take time, I have to be mindful of what happens when I multitask, when I don't chew each bite. I must sing. I must keep taking walks. I must keep celebrating my life. I must keep hoping for something larger than myself.
I look back at the past six and I just see a treadmill, only I'm sitting on the treadmill and my ass is inches from the floor.
It's striking how one can rationally understand something yet be emotionally resistant to it. This has been a difficult concept for me to grasp because my head wants my heart to be right (or is it vice versa?). I experienced this with my dad's death-- being rationally processed yet my body just held on...
my body likes to hold onto things. I have this ugly memory. By "memory," I don't mean "a moment from the past," but rather "the capacity to remember events and whatnot." I remember moments too well, feelings too well. I move with my heart and it holds on to the people I keep inside.
I guess the conclusion I wanted to come to is that while I have to be much more disciplined the next six weeks, I also have to be much more...alive. I have to honestly confront my fears and desires and work through them rather than escape them. I have to mold my honors project into something I like to do. Still, I have to take time, I have to be mindful of what happens when I multitask, when I don't chew each bite. I must sing. I must keep taking walks. I must keep celebrating my life. I must keep hoping for something larger than myself.