(no subject)
Perhaps I should live in a boarding school, I think it would fit this journal entry very well.
I’ll start off by saying boy trouble doesn’t makes me feel like a school girl. Actually, boy trouble and talking about boys makes me feel good. But with most people talking about boy trouble makes me feel like people think I’m a school girl.
Major things are happening in relationships this week. I’m not sure if it was an astrology thing or what but almost every relationship out there almost anyone I know has had has ended in the past few weeks, and on the other side relationships are starting just the same instances.
After Josiah left, I started up with Buck. I was considering dating people and giving a few test drives. There was a point in time that it felt like five potential relationships were springing up. Now it’s even more confusing. I have Josiah, a boy across the country who I can’t decide how much I like him. There is Buck, who was first an indulgent sex fantasy that came true, only to end in him never noticing I enjoyed spending time with him (he once said “are you making fun of me?” to a complement) and so he’s dating some boy and I considered it over already but now he seems to want to hang out now. There is Chris. Chris is amazingly aware of when people are uncomfortable and unpleased with things, but he still makes you feel completely ignored. Then there are a few guys from school, Isaac who I think is in a relationship right now but he’s still shy around me. There was that one guy who I can’t remember the name of who I haven’t seen at school for weeks.
Then, lastly, there’s a problem.
There’s the person I’m obsessed with that doesn’t exist… exactly.
There are those fags out there who say they’re “straight acting” but they don’t matter because I think they’re all completely pathetic. I just think I can only get along with one personality type in men. Then kind that isn’t obsessed with men on calendars, the kind that’s just a person.
I was leading onto something but it all came out wrong. The thing I was leading on to was that in the past four days, something happened to the way I treat certain people that is completely changing all of my outlooks in life. There used to be this rule I had in my mind completely manufactured on fear, that I cannot be attracted to straight men. For someone reason I felt that if they wouldn’t find me attractive then there is no reason to have some kind of crush though I should really call it lust but it’s not completely physical. But no. In the past four days, since Adam got here in fact which could be coincidence or it could be because this is the first time I’ve seen Adrienne with someone in that way, but I no longer immediately block out feeling for men if I know they’re straight, and you know what, I don’t know if it is all in my head but I really do think that straight men are no longer out of the picture. And despite the Joel thing which I don’t really care about much anymore, I think I might be getting myself in trouble with some of my straight guy friends.
Or not getting into some trouble.
I’ll start off by saying boy trouble doesn’t makes me feel like a school girl. Actually, boy trouble and talking about boys makes me feel good. But with most people talking about boy trouble makes me feel like people think I’m a school girl.
Major things are happening in relationships this week. I’m not sure if it was an astrology thing or what but almost every relationship out there almost anyone I know has had has ended in the past few weeks, and on the other side relationships are starting just the same instances.
After Josiah left, I started up with Buck. I was considering dating people and giving a few test drives. There was a point in time that it felt like five potential relationships were springing up. Now it’s even more confusing. I have Josiah, a boy across the country who I can’t decide how much I like him. There is Buck, who was first an indulgent sex fantasy that came true, only to end in him never noticing I enjoyed spending time with him (he once said “are you making fun of me?” to a complement) and so he’s dating some boy and I considered it over already but now he seems to want to hang out now. There is Chris. Chris is amazingly aware of when people are uncomfortable and unpleased with things, but he still makes you feel completely ignored. Then there are a few guys from school, Isaac who I think is in a relationship right now but he’s still shy around me. There was that one guy who I can’t remember the name of who I haven’t seen at school for weeks.
Then, lastly, there’s a problem.
There’s the person I’m obsessed with that doesn’t exist… exactly.
There are those fags out there who say they’re “straight acting” but they don’t matter because I think they’re all completely pathetic. I just think I can only get along with one personality type in men. Then kind that isn’t obsessed with men on calendars, the kind that’s just a person.
I was leading onto something but it all came out wrong. The thing I was leading on to was that in the past four days, something happened to the way I treat certain people that is completely changing all of my outlooks in life. There used to be this rule I had in my mind completely manufactured on fear, that I cannot be attracted to straight men. For someone reason I felt that if they wouldn’t find me attractive then there is no reason to have some kind of crush though I should really call it lust but it’s not completely physical. But no. In the past four days, since Adam got here in fact which could be coincidence or it could be because this is the first time I’ve seen Adrienne with someone in that way, but I no longer immediately block out feeling for men if I know they’re straight, and you know what, I don’t know if it is all in my head but I really do think that straight men are no longer out of the picture. And despite the Joel thing which I don’t really care about much anymore, I think I might be getting myself in trouble with some of my straight guy friends.
Or not getting into some trouble.