why the fuck am i so introspective
What do you think of me now? Now that we've broken one another's hearts? Now that we've stopped saying 'I love you?' Now that we don't kiss underneath the covers quickly and quietly and beautifully and holding our breaths the minute we hear a sound, any sound? I don't know what's happening with you on a daily basis. Sure, I get the reports, sex life-good (better than good, I think), school-difficult but alright, roommates-it varies. I get the stories of the drunken antics, but never the drunk-dials even though you were always the first person I thought to call with some 3 AM less-than-sober-more-than-true admission of love.
To see who we've both become, I think our sixteen-year-old selves would run away. We, who swore that penises were ugly, we never wanted them inside of us, who promised forever, marriage, an apartment with a purple bedroom---poor and happy in New York City. Well, we've at least got that last bit right. I am no longer your protector. I can't shelter you from anything, not that you'd want me to. I can no longer assume that I know things about you...I have no more rights or obligations to you than any other friend. And yet...
We are somehow more than friends. We are connected, through the ages, over time. We get each other, and no one fits quite as well. Maybe we're two halves of the same whole. Magnets that seem to attract at first then flip (finding they've met at the same pole) and repel.
I want to hear your songs, your whispers. I want to kiss you on the cheek, and to feel that it's alright to hold your hand. I want us to grow up and around and plant ourselves and uproot and then find that we are what's missing. I want to realize that my heart beats to your name. That I sing, when I sing, if I sing, for you. The songs I wake up singing, when I can't get back to sleep and have to pace around the tiny living room with too much creative energy.
I want no more silences when I try to tell you how much I love you. Love between friends is okay though, isn't it? I want to not pretend that there is no past. I want to not have to hang on to the thread of a future. I want a rope. I need a rope. I don't need you. I want you.
I love you.
A million times. To the stars and back and the moon and the sun. I love you because I don't know any other way.
I love you because it is impossible not to.
To see who we've both become, I think our sixteen-year-old selves would run away. We, who swore that penises were ugly, we never wanted them inside of us, who promised forever, marriage, an apartment with a purple bedroom---poor and happy in New York City. Well, we've at least got that last bit right. I am no longer your protector. I can't shelter you from anything, not that you'd want me to. I can no longer assume that I know things about you...I have no more rights or obligations to you than any other friend. And yet...
We are somehow more than friends. We are connected, through the ages, over time. We get each other, and no one fits quite as well. Maybe we're two halves of the same whole. Magnets that seem to attract at first then flip (finding they've met at the same pole) and repel.
I want to hear your songs, your whispers. I want to kiss you on the cheek, and to feel that it's alright to hold your hand. I want us to grow up and around and plant ourselves and uproot and then find that we are what's missing. I want to realize that my heart beats to your name. That I sing, when I sing, if I sing, for you. The songs I wake up singing, when I can't get back to sleep and have to pace around the tiny living room with too much creative energy.
I want no more silences when I try to tell you how much I love you. Love between friends is okay though, isn't it? I want to not pretend that there is no past. I want to not have to hang on to the thread of a future. I want a rope. I need a rope. I don't need you. I want you.
I love you.
A million times. To the stars and back and the moon and the sun. I love you because I don't know any other way.
I love you because it is impossible not to.