The Lamest LJ entry EVER
so lame, in fact, i'm putting it behind a cut.
Okay, so, as with many things I've done in my life that most people do spontaneously---I've been researching having sex. Not like, watching porn and SEEING, but just...being responsible I suppose and researching birth control pill options and like, really diving deep into my own self-consciousness and body issues. I don't know who I'd want my first time to even BE with. On one hand, it SHOULD be special and with someone I love and trust and blah blah blah, but on the OTHER hand, I kind of want to just get it over with so I can finally (finally? I AM only 18, after all) begin my life as a...sexual being. On the other hand, it's going to be memorable/important/whatever no matter what but I DO just want to get it over with, no matter who it's with.
I'm not afraid of the act of having sex itself. That's never been the problem. I mean, I don't find penises particularly attractive, but they do serve a purpose. What I'm mostly afraid of is that the guy will judge me. That I won't know what I'm doing. That he'll look at me, seeing ALL of me, and will find me lacking. I'm afraid that there's something horrible about the way I look that will repulse anyone. I mean, how do guys expect a naked girl to look? Certainly not like a supermodel or porn star. I mean, I know I don't look like that. Ugh...it's all so ridiculous... and I know it will happen eventually. Just...God, I'm so impatient and so fucking apprehensive. But I've found that it's important to be cautious about the things I'm cautious about...because when they DO happen...they're amazing. See: first kiss, first drink, first high, first cigarette, first real boyfriend (not amazing, that one, but...nice at least). Most of them were with the same person..and she made them wonderful. By the by, I'd much rather be sleeping with HER than with any guy, that's what I'm sure of. But no use crying over THAT particular situation any more than I already have.
And, God, I fucking love coffee and cigarettes. I wish coffee fit into the Rufus song "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk." But I do love chocolate milk as well...and...those ARE just a few of my cravings. Props to Rufus for being on my wavelength. I'd love to roll my own cigs..but...it's messy, and, kind of useless when I'm walking around the city and just want a quick smoke.
And...pray for me to get this tutoring job.
And. Today, thinking about birth control, I remembered a dream I had sometime last year. If I were to get pregnant rather than adopt, I know I'd have a little boy. And he'd be beautiful. So...perhaps I adopt Magda at some point and then...get pregnant? Thus fulfilling that quack psychic's prediction that I end up with a boy AND a girl.
Okay, so, as with many things I've done in my life that most people do spontaneously---I've been researching having sex. Not like, watching porn and SEEING, but just...being responsible I suppose and researching birth control pill options and like, really diving deep into my own self-consciousness and body issues. I don't know who I'd want my first time to even BE with. On one hand, it SHOULD be special and with someone I love and trust and blah blah blah, but on the OTHER hand, I kind of want to just get it over with so I can finally (finally? I AM only 18, after all) begin my life as a...sexual being. On the other hand, it's going to be memorable/important/whatever no matter what but I DO just want to get it over with, no matter who it's with.
I'm not afraid of the act of having sex itself. That's never been the problem. I mean, I don't find penises particularly attractive, but they do serve a purpose. What I'm mostly afraid of is that the guy will judge me. That I won't know what I'm doing. That he'll look at me, seeing ALL of me, and will find me lacking. I'm afraid that there's something horrible about the way I look that will repulse anyone. I mean, how do guys expect a naked girl to look? Certainly not like a supermodel or porn star. I mean, I know I don't look like that. Ugh...it's all so ridiculous... and I know it will happen eventually. Just...God, I'm so impatient and so fucking apprehensive. But I've found that it's important to be cautious about the things I'm cautious about...because when they DO happen...they're amazing. See: first kiss, first drink, first high, first cigarette, first real boyfriend (not amazing, that one, but...nice at least). Most of them were with the same person..and she made them wonderful. By the by, I'd much rather be sleeping with HER than with any guy, that's what I'm sure of. But no use crying over THAT particular situation any more than I already have.
And, God, I fucking love coffee and cigarettes. I wish coffee fit into the Rufus song "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk." But I do love chocolate milk as well...and...those ARE just a few of my cravings. Props to Rufus for being on my wavelength. I'd love to roll my own cigs..but...it's messy, and, kind of useless when I'm walking around the city and just want a quick smoke.
And...pray for me to get this tutoring job.
And. Today, thinking about birth control, I remembered a dream I had sometime last year. If I were to get pregnant rather than adopt, I know I'd have a little boy. And he'd be beautiful. So...perhaps I adopt Magda at some point and then...get pregnant? Thus fulfilling that quack psychic's prediction that I end up with a boy AND a girl.