I miss you.

[pinkstarrypants]

I've lost you once  and I really don't want to lose you again. I know I probably don't deserve your friendship. Your laughter, your wit, your intelligence and your beauty. I love you. Believe it or not; I think about you every day. I miss you a lot. I can't get past how I messed up,  again.

I can't forget every laugh you gave me and every time you

Comments

[wicca_faith_fi]

Hello.

I guess

I don't know how to reply to it. Lets just say that if I had any idea it was here I would never have let things fester. Fester. What a crap way to describe how truly I have fucked up. Honestly; I wonder why people think I am intelligent when I am so beautiful awful at ruining the best friendship of my life.

When you said that I was not one of your best friends - that hurt like nothing else ever has. Even when you were mad at me and I was mad at you at exam times and we said really truly cruel things to each other. Because when you said that to me it meant you had replaced me - that you didn't need me. That I didn't mean anything to you. Honestly - that is how I interpretated it. I am so sorry - sorry like I don't think even I fully understand - that I misunderstood or misinterpretated.

Goddess. I really don't deserve to live do I? (PS: this is not a declaration of suicide.)

Did I really tell others about dating Gavin before you? Wow then I am sorry. I felt like I was in someone elses shoes the whole time I was with him. I was off balance and on the defensive. I'm glad I spent that night on the couch with him - just so I have the memory of doing something out of character and insane and stupid. I didn't have sex with him. Only kissed him. Why didn't I feel like I could talk to you about it? Maybe I was scared that you'd figure me out. That I'm just a fraud. I suck with guys. Honestly - especially with the latest debacle which I wish I could tell you about so much.

I think about you. Of course I do - I was numb after Christmas. So much happened - it was an emotional over drive. It was the first xmas back with my brother, my sister had some good news for us, and Karen and Karl where together which kinda made me jealous that he had someone and I was still alone. GLad for him too. My parents... my dad was such a different peron and my home life was screwy. This is not an excuse I'm just telling you what I wanted to tell you all along.

I just wanted a little space. Just to... I don't even know why. I was confused and upset an selfish basically. I was being selfish just wanting to think about me and ignore everything else. Being blah-blah miles away from home is a good 'forgetting' tool; but distance doesn't help me forget about you. SO I pushed you away and hurt you.

Was I hurting at the time? Yeah. Was I upset with you? I guess. But I was upset with myself too.

I guess this really doesn't explain anything does it.

I wish I knew how to fix things.

I cried so much when I read this. From the third line to the last. Loudly. I'm surprised I didn't wake up TrannyMatt (he is asleep on the sofa).

Why do you have to be a better person than me? Well, I guess that isn't hard with me being such a crap person. :/

love,

Fiona

[wicca_faith_fi]

PS:

I thought I hd already lost you. So in my mind there was nothing left to lose, except my piece of mind. Now I realise how wrong I was. Now I realised I lost the best friend I culd ever have. And I did it all myslef.