Let's get personal
Alright, haven't talked to you in a few weeks, so here's the scoop, on my life. A lot of these things, I haven't wanted to talk about, because.... well, they're either pathetic or they're just not good. I guess I'll just say the first and most important.
I'm not in school anymore. This one is tough today, because I was so excited about it. However, I can't afford it either. By a lot, so please don't even offer, I don't want your money. I want to be able to afford it on my own, and I owe way too much money to be able to finish, at this point in time. (Let's just say that it's somewhere around the vicinity of $2,000 that I need, and even then I'll be pretty much broke) Basically, I can barely break even and if ANYTHING happens after I spend all that money, if my car breaks, if I get a toothache, anything, then I will not be able to eat, and will probably be unable to pay my bills. So I had to make a decision, and when I thought of it that way, staying in school NOW just seems like a stupid, stupid thing to be doing. Of course I'll be going back, but I just can't right now.
Do you think I've done something stupid? Do you think of me as a failure? That's... probably the reason I can't seem to bring this up with anyone. I know you do. Even if you say you don't, *I* think that, in a way, so I sort of expect that you should too. But it's just the facts, and it's not like I flunked out or anything (which, I suppose, just makes it worse)
Of course, this means I have to start paying back a second 16,000 loan in a few months, on top of everything I'm already paying, which will also probably bankrupt me... And my tooth has been hurting lately, and I don't have any health or dental insurance (because I can't afford ANOTHER deduction out of my paycheck). I really have no fucking clue what to do about it, but for the sake of not panicking, I will mention it and not elaborate.
Oh, don't worry, there's more. "Laura" or as Mei keeps saying "LAAAUUURA" : P. Let's talk about that a little. I don't know if you've noticed me saying "That's not very likely" each time one of you guys mentions her coming over, but no one's asked about that, so I just let it go. Well, Laura is someone who I like a lot, but of course, there can be nothing for me that's just "good". There has to be something about it that brings a constant source of frustration. It's been a relationship staple for me since I started getting in relationships. Angie lived in another town, when I had no car, Becky's parents disliked me greatly and I still had no car, by the time I *was* out on my own, with a car, so that I could freely visit and hang with whoever I had a relationship, I was dating Katie, who lived in another state. I actually moved to KY so I could be with her (and by myself, but no one ever seems to give a crap about that part, I OBVIOUSLY moved to be with a girl. Obviously.) and then it turns out that for the better part of the year she lives in two hours away and my car isn't really a "two hour drive" kind of car.
So yeah, I found someone who I can honestly say I'm quite taken with, and of COURSE she's not from around here. That would be too easy, you see! No, she's gotta be from someplace like North Dakota, which is JUST far enough away that planes don't even seem to fly up there (seriously, check out U.S. Airways and try to book a ticket to North Dakota, you can't. It literally isn't even listed.) So, I have a free ticket, to (supposedly) anywhere in the United States (it would have to be free, for aforementioned monetary problems) and I can't even use it the way I want to. And then sometimes I have to wonder, why the hell am I doing this to myself? Again? Why can't I just fall for someone who lives close? Why do they always have to be so fucking far away? I don't really know. Eh, I'm being horribly negative, but I'm not feeling particularly happy about that situation, since I'm sad and there's no one to comfort me. Also, I don't like mentioning it because there's a certain stigma for online/long distance relationships, and I haven't really felt much like being mercilessly made fun of. Which I will be, starting right now.
So yeah... I really wish I could just say "Oh, I'm doing good", when people ask (and I do, but I wish I could mean it) but... well, in all honesty my life is fucked up something royally right now. And I don't really have anything else to say about it... except just that I feel like such a pathetic loser right now, but I'm SURE you couldn't tell all that by reading this post.
I'm not in school anymore. This one is tough today, because I was so excited about it. However, I can't afford it either. By a lot, so please don't even offer, I don't want your money. I want to be able to afford it on my own, and I owe way too much money to be able to finish, at this point in time. (Let's just say that it's somewhere around the vicinity of $2,000 that I need, and even then I'll be pretty much broke) Basically, I can barely break even and if ANYTHING happens after I spend all that money, if my car breaks, if I get a toothache, anything, then I will not be able to eat, and will probably be unable to pay my bills. So I had to make a decision, and when I thought of it that way, staying in school NOW just seems like a stupid, stupid thing to be doing. Of course I'll be going back, but I just can't right now.
Do you think I've done something stupid? Do you think of me as a failure? That's... probably the reason I can't seem to bring this up with anyone. I know you do. Even if you say you don't, *I* think that, in a way, so I sort of expect that you should too. But it's just the facts, and it's not like I flunked out or anything (which, I suppose, just makes it worse)
Of course, this means I have to start paying back a second 16,000 loan in a few months, on top of everything I'm already paying, which will also probably bankrupt me... And my tooth has been hurting lately, and I don't have any health or dental insurance (because I can't afford ANOTHER deduction out of my paycheck). I really have no fucking clue what to do about it, but for the sake of not panicking, I will mention it and not elaborate.
Oh, don't worry, there's more. "Laura" or as Mei keeps saying "LAAAUUURA" : P. Let's talk about that a little. I don't know if you've noticed me saying "That's not very likely" each time one of you guys mentions her coming over, but no one's asked about that, so I just let it go. Well, Laura is someone who I like a lot, but of course, there can be nothing for me that's just "good". There has to be something about it that brings a constant source of frustration. It's been a relationship staple for me since I started getting in relationships. Angie lived in another town, when I had no car, Becky's parents disliked me greatly and I still had no car, by the time I *was* out on my own, with a car, so that I could freely visit and hang with whoever I had a relationship, I was dating Katie, who lived in another state. I actually moved to KY so I could be with her (and by myself, but no one ever seems to give a crap about that part, I OBVIOUSLY moved to be with a girl. Obviously.) and then it turns out that for the better part of the year she lives in two hours away and my car isn't really a "two hour drive" kind of car.
So yeah, I found someone who I can honestly say I'm quite taken with, and of COURSE she's not from around here. That would be too easy, you see! No, she's gotta be from someplace like North Dakota, which is JUST far enough away that planes don't even seem to fly up there (seriously, check out U.S. Airways and try to book a ticket to North Dakota, you can't. It literally isn't even listed.) So, I have a free ticket, to (supposedly) anywhere in the United States (it would have to be free, for aforementioned monetary problems) and I can't even use it the way I want to. And then sometimes I have to wonder, why the hell am I doing this to myself? Again? Why can't I just fall for someone who lives close? Why do they always have to be so fucking far away? I don't really know. Eh, I'm being horribly negative, but I'm not feeling particularly happy about that situation, since I'm sad and there's no one to comfort me. Also, I don't like mentioning it because there's a certain stigma for online/long distance relationships, and I haven't really felt much like being mercilessly made fun of. Which I will be, starting right now.
So yeah... I really wish I could just say "Oh, I'm doing good", when people ask (and I do, but I wish I could mean it) but... well, in all honesty my life is fucked up something royally right now. And I don't really have anything else to say about it... except just that I feel like such a pathetic loser right now, but I'm SURE you couldn't tell all that by reading this post.