Why I Hate Myself... uplifting, really.
What is my fucking deal. Why do I get so easily bored, and lost in my desire to be somewhere exciting with someone new? But the second I change anything in my life, I cling to my teddy bear like a lost, confused child whose been abandoned outside the grocery store? (Punky Brewster style!)
I want the change, but I cant handle it. Example: Im taking these diet pills (shut up, dont judge me) that make me feel like Im going to throw up/pass out in the morning. Then I get this wicked boost of energy after I take another one in the evening, and then just as I start to feel like Im crashing and very tired, I come up with some awesome anxiety attacks while lying in bed. So I want to not be fat, but Im not willing to give up chocolate and carbs for that change. Wait... does this make sense with my analogy? Fuck it.
And why oh why do certain people just piss me off the second they say something or look at me? Generally these are important people too, ones that I care about like: boyfriends, good friends, um... my mother. I love them, of course I do, but I think what the problem is, is the way these people talk to me makes me constantly feel like Im on defense. Like my mom constantly asks questions. Or James brings up sore subjects in a condescending way. I guess when Im on the defense sometimes I go overboard and just become offensive. And I dont want to hurt peoples feelings. I thought I got my anger under control but apparently it was just hiding for a bit.
Im just making such huge sacrifices in my life and now that Ive commited myself I forgot why I made these decisions. And Im starting to realize this is not what I want anymore. I cant figure out what the fuck I want but I know its not here and I know its not him. And this is why I hate myself.
I want the change, but I cant handle it. Example: Im taking these diet pills (shut up, dont judge me) that make me feel like Im going to throw up/pass out in the morning. Then I get this wicked boost of energy after I take another one in the evening, and then just as I start to feel like Im crashing and very tired, I come up with some awesome anxiety attacks while lying in bed. So I want to not be fat, but Im not willing to give up chocolate and carbs for that change. Wait... does this make sense with my analogy? Fuck it.
And why oh why do certain people just piss me off the second they say something or look at me? Generally these are important people too, ones that I care about like: boyfriends, good friends, um... my mother. I love them, of course I do, but I think what the problem is, is the way these people talk to me makes me constantly feel like Im on defense. Like my mom constantly asks questions. Or James brings up sore subjects in a condescending way. I guess when Im on the defense sometimes I go overboard and just become offensive. And I dont want to hurt peoples feelings. I thought I got my anger under control but apparently it was just hiding for a bit.
Im just making such huge sacrifices in my life and now that Ive commited myself I forgot why I made these decisions. And Im starting to realize this is not what I want anymore. I cant figure out what the fuck I want but I know its not here and I know its not him. And this is why I hate myself.