Making It Work
Broken promise after broken promise, I have asked myself why cant I just be strong enough to completely write him off. My sister has finally decided she is done interacting with our father in any way, after he blew her off for what I assume will be the last time. The most recent thing he did to garner my anger was enough for me to throw in the towel too. Weeks passed before he called, wondering why I havent called and what Im up to. I deleted the message and didnt even think about calling him back. Tonight at 10:30 my phone rings and I see that its him. I know if he is up this late, he is piss drunk and if I dont want to talk to him when he is sober, I certianly dont want to talk to him when he is drunk. Phone beeps: message. Lets see what hes got to say. "Heather... why the hell havent you called me back? If you dont call me back Im going to fly up there and hunt you down and kick your ass (said in a semi-joking way, of course)... (lots of pausing and of course slurred speech)... I mean cmon, man, call your dad. Do you hate me now? Call me..." Well I guess not calling him is one way to get him to visit me... havent seen him in nearly three years. But such a dramatic and threatening message causes my frustrated fingers to dial his phone number.
"Hi" I say.
"Whose this?" drunkie says.
"Heather... your daughter.... how fucking drunk are you?"
He proceeds to tell me he hasnt been drinking. Later he contradicts himself when I ask how many beers he has had and he (lying) says four. The conversation lasted about half an hour and it wasnt bad. He was much more passive and willing to listen than he usually is. It was anger and disgust that made me call him, but it was a deep pity that made me stay on the phone and give up my vow to clear him from my life. I wish I could do what my sister is doing. I have certainly gotten to that point but there is such a sadness in my heart for him. Its like I dont even see him as a father. He's just this poor, sad man that helped create my life, and for some reason Ive allowed him to be part of it. The fact that I pity my fathers existance so much makes me feel guilty and sad. I do love him but he just doesnt understand what being a parent is.
He gets upset when he talks about my sister, says she only calls when she needs money. "A dad isnt just someone who hands out money" he says. I bite my tongue when I want to say, "Then what do you think a father is? Because you provide nothing at all. The only kind of support we can get from you is financial, and its minimal at best." I mean, its not like he is there in any other way as a father... he doesnt let me cry on his shoulder when Im having a break down, he doesnt give me advice on my relationships with men, he doesnt take me out to dinner so we can have some bonding time. Tonight he did compliment me on how smart I am, and he even went so far as to tell me Im amazing. Im glad he recognizes that, but I want more. You think Im so amazing? Then why dont you do more to be involved in my life besides two phone calls a month where all you do is talk about your white trash girlfriend and your home gym with a punching bag?
He is my father and I love him. What can I do? I cant punish him by witholding my love. He is the way he is and in his age nothing will change that.
Luckily I am young and flexible and full of wonderful opportunities in my life. Im done with yearning for the sunshine and love that awaits me in Australia. Im done pining away for it because I have finally made the decision to go for it.
My lease runs out at the end of May, at which time Im moving to South Carolina to live with my mom for a few months. I hope to find a quick easy job and save up enough money for my plane ticket and spending money once Im there. At the end of July Ill be flying out to Sydney, and I wont be back in the USA for six months. :) Ill be living with James and his roomates and since I couldnt go a tourist visa I cant work. But that will give me plenty of time to work on my writing portfolio (oh, how amazing will it be to bring my laptop to the beach and just write write write?) and trying to teach myself some Spanish.
All this requires that I take a year leave of absense from school but Im honestly not even concerned about that. Ive been so burnt out on it, and once I have some time to clear my head I will be able to come back here and hammer out my last year with energy and motivation. Im going to be doing the best I can while Im away to stay on course with my college career (by writing and stuff) and even more so I hope to make connections in Australia that will potentially hook me up with a career after I graduate.
This plan, though somewhat irrational, is the best thing for me. Im going to keep my car at my moms while Im away, but I will have to give up my amazing apartment and the best job Ive ever had. It will be a very sad day when I have to come back here, because by that time pretty much all my friends will be graduated and moved away. But being socially retarded will just help me focus on my school work and Ill get things done faster.
But in the end, it is all worth it just to get my heart back. Theres no way Im turning back, either. The leave of absense form is in my notebook, and Ive already been granted a six month visa.
"Hi" I say.
"Whose this?" drunkie says.
"Heather... your daughter.... how fucking drunk are you?"
He proceeds to tell me he hasnt been drinking. Later he contradicts himself when I ask how many beers he has had and he (lying) says four. The conversation lasted about half an hour and it wasnt bad. He was much more passive and willing to listen than he usually is. It was anger and disgust that made me call him, but it was a deep pity that made me stay on the phone and give up my vow to clear him from my life. I wish I could do what my sister is doing. I have certainly gotten to that point but there is such a sadness in my heart for him. Its like I dont even see him as a father. He's just this poor, sad man that helped create my life, and for some reason Ive allowed him to be part of it. The fact that I pity my fathers existance so much makes me feel guilty and sad. I do love him but he just doesnt understand what being a parent is.
He gets upset when he talks about my sister, says she only calls when she needs money. "A dad isnt just someone who hands out money" he says. I bite my tongue when I want to say, "Then what do you think a father is? Because you provide nothing at all. The only kind of support we can get from you is financial, and its minimal at best." I mean, its not like he is there in any other way as a father... he doesnt let me cry on his shoulder when Im having a break down, he doesnt give me advice on my relationships with men, he doesnt take me out to dinner so we can have some bonding time. Tonight he did compliment me on how smart I am, and he even went so far as to tell me Im amazing. Im glad he recognizes that, but I want more. You think Im so amazing? Then why dont you do more to be involved in my life besides two phone calls a month where all you do is talk about your white trash girlfriend and your home gym with a punching bag?
He is my father and I love him. What can I do? I cant punish him by witholding my love. He is the way he is and in his age nothing will change that.
Luckily I am young and flexible and full of wonderful opportunities in my life. Im done with yearning for the sunshine and love that awaits me in Australia. Im done pining away for it because I have finally made the decision to go for it.
My lease runs out at the end of May, at which time Im moving to South Carolina to live with my mom for a few months. I hope to find a quick easy job and save up enough money for my plane ticket and spending money once Im there. At the end of July Ill be flying out to Sydney, and I wont be back in the USA for six months. :) Ill be living with James and his roomates and since I couldnt go a tourist visa I cant work. But that will give me plenty of time to work on my writing portfolio (oh, how amazing will it be to bring my laptop to the beach and just write write write?) and trying to teach myself some Spanish.
All this requires that I take a year leave of absense from school but Im honestly not even concerned about that. Ive been so burnt out on it, and once I have some time to clear my head I will be able to come back here and hammer out my last year with energy and motivation. Im going to be doing the best I can while Im away to stay on course with my college career (by writing and stuff) and even more so I hope to make connections in Australia that will potentially hook me up with a career after I graduate.
This plan, though somewhat irrational, is the best thing for me. Im going to keep my car at my moms while Im away, but I will have to give up my amazing apartment and the best job Ive ever had. It will be a very sad day when I have to come back here, because by that time pretty much all my friends will be graduated and moved away. But being socially retarded will just help me focus on my school work and Ill get things done faster.
But in the end, it is all worth it just to get my heart back. Theres no way Im turning back, either. The leave of absense form is in my notebook, and Ive already been granted a six month visa.