(no subject)
Last night was bad, it was another one of those devestatingly big low points that i have been experiencing for the past 3 months. This morning i woke after writing last night and felt like my anxiety was still feeling like a steamtrain running away and gaining pace further from my control. The thoughts of this consumed me to the point where i was so busy trying to catch my breath and get my head around why this was feeling so bad again that i couldnt even concentrate on Blair or what he was doing, he kept coming to me for whatever reason and i keeping ushering him away thus bringing on the tantrums and tears and making the whole situation esculate even more. In the midst of this chaos.. i had the first moment of CLARITY through the fog of my mind that ive had in months. All of a sudden these positve reassurances came rushing into my head. Where they came from, i have no idea.. but like the song says, they were 'right on time'. I dont think i could have needed them more at that moment in time. Just as in 'eat, pray, love' i started to write these down as they came to me for fear that this moment would only last a little while before i was tossed back into the fog so thick that i can see or breathe or know what was up from what was down.. this is what came out on that paper,
'Dear Naomi,
When you feel these sensations in you chest, in your heart, your neck, your arm and your head. you are not dying. You are not having a heart attack or a brain anurism, it is simply this anxiety tricking your body and making you believe these lies. It is only your chest muscles tightening in responce to the messages that your brain is sending to you body. Your mind is unwell, at one point you have surrended your power but you can take it back all you need to do is tell it who is in control, you will take that power back, You ARE in control. If you can lift your right arm right now your mind is still in control over your arm. So tell your chest to stop hurting and it will. Because you are also in control of your chest. You are the CEO of this company and you decide how it runs, there will be no negative crippling thoughts in this company, they no longer scare you, so they no longer exist, you are hereby replacing these now missing thoughts with nothing but positive thoughts"
And this continued for most of the morning, i kept scrambling for paper to scribble down these almost bolts of light that were being sent to me intermittently.
"if you can count to ten right now at this very minute, you are in control of your thoughts, you are taking the wheel" - so i stopped dead in my tracks and counted aloud to ten.
slowly i felt the tightness in my chest start to ease.. the thoughts of dying left my mind. I kept raising my right arm just to prove to myself that YES i had this! and i'd had it all along! i was just allowing my mind to trick me.
more and more they kept coming, so too did the negative thoughts, but these bolts of light were stronger. for every negative thought there was this voice bellowing, "BRICKWALL. You will not think that thought". And just like that it disappeared.
I packed Blair into the car and went to the shops to pick up a few bits and peices for montanas easter hat parade. The tightening in my chest still lingered slightly but the distraction was helping. By the time i got home and laid Blair down for a sleep, I could feel my chest getting tighter again.. and again the voice came or the thought or whatever it was it was that bolt of light again offering me something to ease this struggle;
"Naomi, you know this feeling, you've come to know it well. You know this feeling can't and wont kill you and thats all you need to know. Let it be, wait it out, It will pass"..
I woke up an hour later, snuggled close to Blairs little face.. With not even the slightest hint of tightness, or shortness of breath. I noticed the sunshine peaking through the blinds of his room. Walked out to the kitchen, made myself tea and a tuna sandwich and realised..
Today is my turning point, today is the day i can see the corner that i have to turn, More importantly.. today, amidst the chaotic thoughts and dark fog somewhere in my scattered mind.. I found my friends, inner strength and voice of reason.