Halcyon Days
These days I keep having dreams. Dreams of my past, dreams of memories I had thought buried. I don't know why, maybe because I'm turning 20 this summer. 20 is coming of age in Japan, 20 is suppose to be the best year of you life, 20 means you are a adult. I realize that a whole period of my life is ending and I feel I have to write about it.
At that time love meant Mom and Dad and lust was foreign to my vocabulary.
Everything was precious because we struggled to buy them, 15€ was an amazing sum of money. Nirvana's songs lulled me to sleep as well as nursery rhymes. Sailor Senshi existed for real, Japan was nothing but a region of France. Fast food was a rare treat, chocolate did not make little girls fat. Kittens lived forever.
Mom liked my sister best, but it was okay since I was Dad's favourite.
At night there were vampires in my room, I was a witch myself, but my powers had not yet awaken, so I was helpless against them. It was my doll, Samantha, who protected me. Computers were not connected to the internet, I could play for hours with a word processor. Easter eggs appeared magically over night and the Tooth Fairy was a bit stupid : she insisted on giving me candies while they were bad for teeth.
Valentin was the most clever boy at school, he was also my sweetheart and we would marry when older. Dimitri was nice too, he lived next door and I liked playing with him because I could kick his ass. One day his father built a wall all around their house, because he was mean and dumb and did not want Dimitri and I playing over the fence. Caroline was my best friend, she was blond and pretty and was a princess.
I was clever because I could read while my sister could not.
All children lived in huge cottages that used to be farms. From my house when you turned right there was a sunflower field, then a colza field, and then there were a crossroads. I was not supposed to ride my bike beyond the crossroads but I did it regardless. When you turned left there was Dimitri's house, a corn field and a swamp. In the swamp there were frogs and water snakes. One day Dimitri's father killed a water snake.
My sister was the child of Spring. She made friend with butterflies and there were always strawberries on her birthday. I was the child of Summer, poppies bloomed in the colza field for my birthday.
Dad grew vegetables and raised chickens in the garden. Plums grew on trees, hens gave eggs. We had 4 hectares of non used land, but someday we were going to have horses and I would have my own personal forest, with a tree house in the middle. Dad promised me blue firs.
When older I would be an actress, or a woodcarver, or a fairy, or a boy if I tried very hard.
There were snow fights and snowmen in Winter, bonfires in Summer and camping by the sea on holidays. Running in the fields barefooted and hair unbound was not freedom, it was everyday life.
I was not yet used to the sterile life of the city. We moved there when I was 8. In the city you don't make bonfires in your garden, eggs come from the supermarket and so do plums, and they are always unripe.
Dad died, but not really. He was just gone and would come back anytime soon. And even if he was really dead it was okay because he was still there as a spirit that watched over me. I wanted to believe in ghosts.
Valentin, Dimitri, Dad and Caroline became figures of the past. Caroline slower than the others because she was my best friend. But then Anne Lise came along and she became my best friend. She was another princess with pretty black hair that went down to her waist and fancy clothes. He father was absent too, he was with her evil stepmother. She was a Christian, I had never really heard of God before. It was her who taught me the ways of the city. I admired her.
When I was 10 there was a boy I liked at school, his name was Karim. Richard liked me too, I did not mind having them both as boyfriends, but when they asked me to choose I told then both to get lost.
Sailor Moon and all the cartoons I adored stopped being aired, they were replaced with other cartoons that were even more childish.
In Junior high I worshiped my French teacher and my music teacher. The school choir rehearsal was the best part of the week. An internet connexion was the Holy Grail, I dreamed of it at night, and when our 56k connexion arrived I was ecstatic. The crackling of the modem was music to my ears.
Mon still loved my sister best, but it was okay. I was not her daughter but a witch still waiting for her powers to awaken. Vampires existed still and so did vampire slayers : we were safe, Buffy was saving us. I kept writing letter to Leonardo DiCaprio, Celine Dion and Eliza Dushku, because she was pretty. One day I was going to meet them, I was sure of it.
Angel was a girl in the choir, she was my boyfriend, but not really.
My best friend was Amandine, but sometimes it was Gaelle, and sometimes it was Anne Sophie. Anne Lise was my best friend too, but it was not the same because we did not go to the same school anymore.
When I was 13, at school, a girl was said to like other girls. I thought it was disgusting.
Prince charming would find me some day, that was how it happened in movies, but for the time being boys were morons.
The last year of Junior high my best friend was Chloé and Anne Lise too, even if she had moved to another smaller town. Mom was dating another man. He came all the way down from Normandy every other weekend to see her. It was my last year with my friends: in June Mom decided we were moving to Normandy, because she wanted to see her boyfriend anytime she wanted.
I decided men were evil.
At that time love meant Mom and Dad and lust was foreign to my vocabulary.
Everything was precious because we struggled to buy them, 15€ was an amazing sum of money. Nirvana's songs lulled me to sleep as well as nursery rhymes. Sailor Senshi existed for real, Japan was nothing but a region of France. Fast food was a rare treat, chocolate did not make little girls fat. Kittens lived forever.
Mom liked my sister best, but it was okay since I was Dad's favourite.
At night there were vampires in my room, I was a witch myself, but my powers had not yet awaken, so I was helpless against them. It was my doll, Samantha, who protected me. Computers were not connected to the internet, I could play for hours with a word processor. Easter eggs appeared magically over night and the Tooth Fairy was a bit stupid : she insisted on giving me candies while they were bad for teeth.
Valentin was the most clever boy at school, he was also my sweetheart and we would marry when older. Dimitri was nice too, he lived next door and I liked playing with him because I could kick his ass. One day his father built a wall all around their house, because he was mean and dumb and did not want Dimitri and I playing over the fence. Caroline was my best friend, she was blond and pretty and was a princess.
I was clever because I could read while my sister could not.
All children lived in huge cottages that used to be farms. From my house when you turned right there was a sunflower field, then a colza field, and then there were a crossroads. I was not supposed to ride my bike beyond the crossroads but I did it regardless. When you turned left there was Dimitri's house, a corn field and a swamp. In the swamp there were frogs and water snakes. One day Dimitri's father killed a water snake.
My sister was the child of Spring. She made friend with butterflies and there were always strawberries on her birthday. I was the child of Summer, poppies bloomed in the colza field for my birthday.
Dad grew vegetables and raised chickens in the garden. Plums grew on trees, hens gave eggs. We had 4 hectares of non used land, but someday we were going to have horses and I would have my own personal forest, with a tree house in the middle. Dad promised me blue firs.
When older I would be an actress, or a woodcarver, or a fairy, or a boy if I tried very hard.
There were snow fights and snowmen in Winter, bonfires in Summer and camping by the sea on holidays. Running in the fields barefooted and hair unbound was not freedom, it was everyday life.
I was not yet used to the sterile life of the city. We moved there when I was 8. In the city you don't make bonfires in your garden, eggs come from the supermarket and so do plums, and they are always unripe.
Dad died, but not really. He was just gone and would come back anytime soon. And even if he was really dead it was okay because he was still there as a spirit that watched over me. I wanted to believe in ghosts.
Valentin, Dimitri, Dad and Caroline became figures of the past. Caroline slower than the others because she was my best friend. But then Anne Lise came along and she became my best friend. She was another princess with pretty black hair that went down to her waist and fancy clothes. He father was absent too, he was with her evil stepmother. She was a Christian, I had never really heard of God before. It was her who taught me the ways of the city. I admired her.
When I was 10 there was a boy I liked at school, his name was Karim. Richard liked me too, I did not mind having them both as boyfriends, but when they asked me to choose I told then both to get lost.
Sailor Moon and all the cartoons I adored stopped being aired, they were replaced with other cartoons that were even more childish.
In Junior high I worshiped my French teacher and my music teacher. The school choir rehearsal was the best part of the week. An internet connexion was the Holy Grail, I dreamed of it at night, and when our 56k connexion arrived I was ecstatic. The crackling of the modem was music to my ears.
Mon still loved my sister best, but it was okay. I was not her daughter but a witch still waiting for her powers to awaken. Vampires existed still and so did vampire slayers : we were safe, Buffy was saving us. I kept writing letter to Leonardo DiCaprio, Celine Dion and Eliza Dushku, because she was pretty. One day I was going to meet them, I was sure of it.
Angel was a girl in the choir, she was my boyfriend, but not really.
My best friend was Amandine, but sometimes it was Gaelle, and sometimes it was Anne Sophie. Anne Lise was my best friend too, but it was not the same because we did not go to the same school anymore.
When I was 13, at school, a girl was said to like other girls. I thought it was disgusting.
Prince charming would find me some day, that was how it happened in movies, but for the time being boys were morons.
The last year of Junior high my best friend was Chloé and Anne Lise too, even if she had moved to another smaller town. Mom was dating another man. He came all the way down from Normandy every other weekend to see her. It was my last year with my friends: in June Mom decided we were moving to Normandy, because she wanted to see her boyfriend anytime she wanted.
I decided men were evil.