I don't even know what this is supposed to be called.
I mean, you say you don't get it....But I really don't get it. You say we won't talk if you don't message me first. Idk if it means anything or if you even realize it. Probably not, though, because I make a joke about it. But, like......I make a joke about when I invited you to go swimming and to this day you still haven't seen me in my swimsuit. Which, like, it's funny, but, I've been "messaging you first" since the beginning. And no matter how many times you didn't even answer me or said you were going to come and you just didn't even tell me you weren't coming, you just didn't show. And I understood. Because I still wanted you and I didn't want you to lose interest in me, so I still kept trying. It hurt every single time. But I still tried. I still showed up to your work most mornings after a long shift, with coffee in hand, probably looking like your own personal puppy dog, just to see you.
I was scared, but as much as you want to say I cheated on you, I didn't. I worked through everything as much as I could to show you what you meant to me and how much I wanted you. And yes, I fucked up so much along the way because I was too nice and too afraid to just voice what I wanted. So what if I broke up with someone? People aren't always meant for each other and yeah, I would've ended up hurting him, but we probably would've been in a different beginning to our actual relationship. But that was my fault and I thought I could do things differently, but it didn't go sunshines and butterflies and it never could. I just wasn't able to accept that.
I made sure to block every single person that made you uncomfortable. Not because I was embarrassed of you, but because I didn't want you to worry. I didn't even want you to think there was anybody I could ever want more than you because there has never been anybody else I've ever wanted more than you. And yeah, you're upset because Fabien was still on my snapchat, and I'm sorry because I thought I blocked him on there as well. But as soon as he messaged me, I told you. And I figured maybe you'd give me the same courtesy that I gave you with Nidia and Anjelika and Shawnee and Dominique. Because don't think for a second I don't remember that Dominique and Anjelika were my competition and for a while, I wasn't even your top choice. And yes, I understand that I fucked up and hurt you when I told Fabien that "I guess I'm single now" but that wasn't to try to get with him, that was how I felt from how you were being with me. And I'm sorry for being stupid and saying that. But since then, I haven't talked to him and you saw that.
I'm sorry that you thought me talking to Pedro was inappropriate and that I thought it didn't seem that bad. Because I thought I was doing the right thing by telling you, and making sure that I was never alone with him and also having my mother tell him that I'm unavailable. I'm sorry that I didn't say anything about him giving Tre a present, but I also didn't think much of it because I thought I made it perfectly clear that I wasn't available. I've done as much as I possibly can to make sure that I'm unavailable and that everybody knows I'm taken. You know I used to take off my engagement ring with Alonso and would never bring it up. With you? I wanted to tell the whole world, and I did. But I'm supposed to accept that you talked to Nidia, called her on the phone, got rides from her and everything like that?
So I did. I tried to forget about it and get over it. People make mistakes and why wouldn't you question being with me when I was fat and depressed during a beautiful time in our lives? So I tried to get over it. And then I find those messages on Grindr? The photos you were sending people? That you didn't even send me stuff like that? And then you don't come back one night and say you fell asleep at Walmart? When you were making plans left and right to meet with people and hook up? How is that supposed to make me feel like you want only me and like you feel so much more different about me than anybody else? I don't understand. But I pushed it away. And not a week later you're back on it again? AND Tinder? And I'm still supposed to believe I'm wanted? And now? You're on Tinder again? And probably Grindr, too? And I'm still supposed to feel like you want me?
You ask me all the time if I act like I'm single. No. I don't. Heck I was still wearing my ring. You still had access to my things, my location, everything. Even if you broke up with me. I still felt like I could fix it. But you didn't. You wanted to be single. How is that supposed to make me feel wanted and that you want only me? And then what when we start living together again and trying to be a family? How long till I find you on dating apps again? How long till I actually catch you with someone? Am I supposed to live with that fear for the rest of our lives? But you don't have a chance to show me I'm all you want? Because we haven't hung out? How about you start with permanently deleting the apps and staying off of them? How about telling your ex to go fuck off a mountain and take her bullshit with her? Blocking her forever? Because I never had a problem with you being friends with any of your exes until you decided they were better than me.
I spent a lot of time, thinking I could fix things. That I was enough for you to be better. That you would become the man you promised me and that you said I deserved. I thought, if I just stuck by your side when every single other person gave up on you, I'd show you that I was different. That I was someone worth loving. I thought if I gave you the sun and moon, that you'd give me the world. That "once you thought I was yours" you'd quit using and we could get you back to the person you said you wanted to be. That if I went to go to Brent's or Clarissa's for you when you couldn't, at GREAT risk to myself if I happened to get caught, because YOU knew what could've happened to me as well, that you'd eventually stop. That if I just took the small victories, like you just using a smaller amount or one less time than the night before, that meant you were trying to do better.
I told you from the beginning how important going to bed together was to me. It didn't happen. And I accepted that. I got used to pretty much sleeping alone every night. It was okay cuz I still had you. And a lot of the time, you'd come to bed, like, an hour before I got up so I guess I got a little bit. I didn't realize how much doing a lot of things together meant to me, but you spent a lot of our time together in the bathroom. I hated that so much. I don't think you realize it, but I hated it. I hated when you'd give me a kiss and tell me "I'll be right back" or "I'm going to the restroom" and you'd be in there for a million years. And that bullshit about "I can't hit when I think about you" didn't last very long, huh? Because then even that didn't mean anything. I mean, heck, you were even willing to shoot up with me sleeping in the same room as you. You were WILLING to take that risk of me waking up. WILLING of your own free will. That you STILL had stuff IN YOUR POCKET while we had a case going on and it FELL OUT OF YOUR POCKET while we're supposed to be monitored in order to keep our baby. And by the grace of God nobody but me saw it. And I got pissed, yeah, but I still let it go. And I get it. It is a disease and a mental problem. An addiction. I can't say I understand, because I've never been through it. But it didn't matter to you how much it was hurting me, because if it did, we could've found a way to help you get better. Heck we half-assed tried for a couple days. Corona was the perfect time to work on it, but you didn't want to.
The part that hurt me the most, though, was that you didn't stop even when I was in the hospital to give birth to our son. You did all you could to make sure you could go home as much as possible. It wasn't to check on the dogs. We had the cameras and you know Clarissa went every day. I couldn't move. I couldn't even go to the bathroom by myself and half the time I was left alone in the room to get fisted and all that other bullshit that they have to check you for. And I let that go, too. I just let a lot go because I didn't want a single thing to be harder for you then they already have.
I've never wanted anything to be harder on you. So even times when I felt sad or anxious or scared and I asked you for help and you didn't do it, I let it go. Because I know you had your own things to deal with. But when do I get the help that I needed? When do I get the same return from what I've given you? I've been proving myself to you from day one and you haven't had to for me. When do I get the man you promised me you'd be? Never? Because that's what it's looking like. I don't even think you know what man it is that you think I deserve. But again, maybe this is my karma. Maybe this is what I deserve because of how I acted with you and my ex. Believe me, I regret the way things went every. single. day. And I don't know what else I can do to turn things around.
I know this has been a tough time for me and especially for you. And believe me, I tried to make things better. And I expected you to do the same for me. But I don't know if I was just unrealistically expecting something? But idk. I felt like I was doing what I could to help you and make things easier and I felt like you were just coming right around and making it harder. The more I tried to dig us out of the hole, you were right behind me making it deeper. And idk. I know some of it was my fault. I have so much anxiety and fear. So I let that get the best of me. And I'm also sorry for that. I'm sorry I didn't always speak up when I needed to, but I spoke up a lot more than you think. And just because you didn't see it, I never gave you any reason not to trust me. But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I've never given you any reason not to trust me, but you've made sure you don't. You've pulled out the smallest things and made them into reasons so that you didn't have to try to trust me for anything.
Like my exes and people I've hooked up with? Who really gives a fuck? I didn't ask you about your past flames because who cares? I was your future so that's all that mattered to me. They all fucked up because they let you go. But why couldn't you do the same for me? Do you think I want to relive every stupid "thing" I had with someone? Because, like I've even told you, when someone left me, I was gone. I'm not a second choice and I don't go back to relationships. If someone wants to be with me, they'll either take me the first time or regret it forever. But you? No. I keep giving you chances. And why? Idk. I mean, I really feel like a big, fucking, idiot. And also, I feel like you know that. So you take advantage of it, because you knew I wasn't going anywhere. I should've left the second I found out about Nidia. Or Grinder. Or Grinder and Tinder. So why, in the world, should I believe that you're on Tinder now "just to talk"? Do you really think that low of me? Just call it like it is and tell me you wanted to see what else is out there and hook up with other people. You're single after all, right?
And I don't even know the point of saying anything here. And it's not even everything, but I think I'm rambling on now because I don't even know where my brain is anymore. I don't even know if what I'm saying is correct half the time with all these fucking tears. I'm REALLY fucking tired of crying all the fucking time. I'm tired of it. You say how messed up you've been about all of this? I don't think you really understand anything. And I'm really debating on telling you any of this or not. Because where is it gonna get me? You telling me all the things I did wrong "because this is about both of us and we both fucked up"? Yeah, I get it but you know what? I have been loyal. I have been supportive. I have been understanding. I have been trying. I have been doing as much as possible. I have put every single hurt behind me to try and push forward and I'm still the bad guy when I'm fed up and just trying to protect myself.
You know my car is gone. I asked you for help with that and you couldn't be bothered because "a car was more important than you" so I gave up on it. You knew how much that stupid ass car meant to me. But it was whatever. I dropped that too. I needed help with bills because I was trying to help you and pay them all at the same time. You couldn't be bothered with that, either, because "it's not all about money". Okay so I let it go and I'm still just trying to do it on my own. My dogs? They're gone. I won't even say our dogs because you had no worry about them. But yeah. I signed away my rights to them and they're gone. I didn't bother you with them either so you could see that I had "my priorities straight". That was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'll get through it. I couldn't lean on you for that. There's been a few other things and I think if you think deep down you probably know what I'm talking about but it doesn't even matter because it's just going to be about how I don't think about you and your feelings but you're dead wrong. That's all I think about and it fucking consumed me. I try not to put the burdens on you because when I have, it's turned into where I'm wrong as well or how I am doing wrong.
When do I get to be shown that I matter, too? Yeah you say you did a lot for me, and you did some things for me. And that's fine. I hold onto those things when I'm really sad and that's the part that makes things hard to let go. It's so fucking hard to sit here and not talk to you or not kiss your ass and beg you to take me back and do anything and everything to make sure you're happy and show you that I'm worth it. Because you know what? I am worth it. I'm worth being shown every single day that I'm your first choice. I'm worth deleting the dating apps and I'm worth telling your ex to go fuck off. I'm worth being your EQUAL partner. I'm worth quitting using for. I'm worth the moon and stars. I'm worth the same kind of love I've given you. I'm worth the fairytale. Idk. I want it to be you so bad. I thought you were my soul mate. But I deserve being loved the same way. I deserve unconditional love. Love just because you love me. Not because I did what you wanted or how you wanted or when you wanted.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"