I miss lonely canadian-please dont read this.

[pinkpuffvt]

It sounds like everyone and their brother is coming to maine this summer, and yet i doubt i will meet anyone. SNarf. I feel destined to be alone in my house with the birds. Oh well. Maybe Denise will come up and visit me. OI OI oI . I hate being so lonely all the damn time.i mean, i dont consider myself a prize or a cool person or whatever, but i dont think im THAT bad that people wouldnt want to hang out, yet i still know no one. The only girl i know who likes me seems to like me a little TOO much, if you know what i mean. So now if i even suggest going to hang out with her, guy makes fun of me like "oh sarah, you want to get your pussy licked?" Its like jesus fucking christ. i just want to get out of the house! FUCK! I really wanted to go see kill bill last night, but of course, guy wanted to go out drinking, with a buddy. So we sit and wait for him to call. And some of guys friends come over, and i end up sitting on the Fucking computer all night, waiting to leave, and you know what NOTHIGN HAPPENS! I hate to say that i think i was happier in vermont, but atleast there i had people to hang out wiht. Im happier on my own, but a girl needs a little more social contact than just sitting on the computer. Plus when i see people in person i can usually gauge their attitutde, where as on the computer, i always assume everyone is either tres annoyed with me, or wants me to go away. I feel like a dog limping away from life with its tail betwince its legs. Snarf. piggy piggy piggy sarah. I cant even keep off the weight i lost. I ate a bunch of black beans last night at like 10;30, but bc there is no eating after 7:30 i had to purge them. now today i feel like shit. I should be running laps, but again, i feel like fucking shit. ARGH. i want to take a nap. I wonder if i could just lock the doors and go to sleep. I would probably get fired. Then i would really have to drown myself in the tub. Altho i am lucky enough to have extremely severe food allergies, so were i to want to kill myself. i would just eat an orange and lock my door. That way it could easily be played off as an accident. SHe died of anaphylaxis after all. Snarf. Not that i am going to kill myself. SOmetimes i just get into these bad states of mind and tend to taunt myself. argh. I miss my kitty cat. I wish i could bring her to live at my house in maine, but she would be so unhappy. No sun, trees, grass, river, soft dirt roads under your feet. Being in maine somehow makes me realize how utterly wasted i am at this point. I accomplish nothign, i havent printed in months. My fingers are dying. i Have so much SHIT inside me that needs to come out. I feel like the only teacher who i ever cared about i have already let down. I dont know. I guess i am just lucky that i still have the birds.
this is totally negative. sorry. stupid stupid stupid.