Josh
Things are so confusing sometimes. For once in my life everything is going for me- I h ave a boyfriend who I'm head over heels for, I know he feels the same way, I have a job that I'm good at, it pays decently, and the schedule is flexable, I'm a senior in highschool, I have straight A's, I'm among the top of my class, things are great at home, I have great friends, but I'm not happy. I don't even know why I'm not happy.
I think it's because Josh is leaving.. or at least I think that that is part of it. I get so mad at him over the stupidest things. I was livid with him this morning because he got a ride to work from Chrissy Luvins. He said he was just walking and she offered him a ride and because he was running late he accepted it- but it pissed me off- I don't even know why. I don't want him to leave- I don't think that things will be the same when he gets back. I was talking to Mandy about all this and she was telling me about Jared and how she deals with him being gone and all that stuff and I'm thinking to myself "omg I'm gonna be a nutcase while he's gone". He doesn't know when he's leaving, when he'll be back, where he's going to be stationed- anything, it's beginning to get to me. I've just been a real bitch to him for no apparent reason- it's like I'm taking my frustration with him leaving out on him. There's a real difference in who I am and who I should be and between how I am and how I could be. What if things aren't the same when he comes back? What if he doesn't come back? I mena he can't stand being at that house with his dad and stepmom, what if he doesn't come back here when he's done- what if he goes to live closer to his mom? What if he gets stationed somewhere, likes it where he is and decides to stay in that area when he gets out? What if his four years are over and decides to re-inlist and make it a career out of it? What if he finds somebody else he'd rather be with, or just decides he doesn't want to be with me anymore because that would involve him coming back? Nick really screwed me up- didn't he? The other day Mandy said to me "I mean I have a boyfriend- but I don't" Because she has Jared, he's her boyfriend, but he's so far away and they can't really communicate because he's only allowed to write on Sunday and only allowed to make one five minute phone call a week. Josh is my best friend, he's the one person I could tell ANYTHING to, I don't know how I'm gonna cope with him not being here for God only knows how long. Ugh- I hate this- Damn Delayed Entry. :(