You Don't See Me... The Wedding!
Gwen awoke feeling rather fuzzy... she looked at her watch... it was nearly 8am... it then came to her that there was a heavy lump resting on her. As her brain came back to her she realised that she was on the back seat of her car and that the ‘lump’ was John Hart... then she realised... they were both naked! She couldn’t remember how on earth they got here... the last thing she remembered... the last thing she remembered... she couldn’t quite remember the last thing she remembered... it was all so... so... something...
“Hart... get off me!”
“Wha’?”
“I said... get... off... me! NOW!”
“Jeeezzz.... wait...!” Hart tried to sit up but his head was killing him... he hadn’t felt this bad in a long time... then he looked down...
“Fuck me... I haven’t got any clothes on!”
“By the looks of it... that is what we did!”
“We did?”
“You don’t remember?”
“Errrmm... I’d have to say... that would be in the negative!”
“In the negative? You couldn’t just have said no?”
“OK... No! Anyway... do you remember anything?”
“No... just... that we were in a space ship of some sort...”
“Oh yeah... the Chula Warship... then you phoned the PM!”
“Oh my fucking God.... fuck... fuck... fuck... the Prime Minister!” she screamed...
“He is going to be here any minute... where the fuck are my clothes?”
Hart looked out the window...
“Errmmm... well I can see your knickers...”
Gwen looked down... Hart pointed out the window...
“No you daft bitch... not down there... out there!”
“What? What the fuck are my knickers doing out there?”
“Don’t know... but your bra is over there... and ... yep there’s my trousers... oh fuck... I wish I could remember what we did... it must have been really good...”
“Don’t flatter yourself! If we can’t remember... it can’t have been that good!”
Gwen scrambled out of the door looking around her... nothing... it looked clear... she ran over to pick up her knickers then her bra... noticing her clothes were strewn right back to the edge of the Quarry...
As she got to the last item, all her clothes firmly clutched under her arm, she looked around for somewhere to dress; then decided that false modesty left the party a long time ago!
As she started to put her pants on... she heard footsteps...
“Hart... if that is you coming to do your perve impression... you can fuck off!”
“I have been called many things Miss Cooper... but never a perve!”
Gwen turned around... there was the Prime Minister... UNIT officers either side of him and from behind them all stepped out... Jack... and Ianto... ... and Owen... and Tosh ... Gwen dropped her clothes...
“Yeah... nice tits Gwen... but not so marvellous that the Prime Minister would get out of bed at 5am to fly all the way here to see them! I am sure he has a better pair at home...!”
“JACK!” Ianto admonished...
“What? No I don’t mean he keeps his own personal pair of tits...”
“Thank you Jack... I think we got what you meant!”
Gwen started to dress as quickly as she could... forgoing the underwear... she was freezing... so anything was better than... nothing at all!!
“What is HE doing here?” Gwen shouted pointing at Jack.... “And him... why is the sheep shagger here?”
Jack stepped right up close to her... pheromones exuding at a hefty rate...
“We are Torchwood Gwen... that is why we are here... but more to the point Gwen... why are you here? You aren’t Torchwood anymore... this isn’t your problem...!
And by the way...” Jack lowered his voice right down to a menacing whisper that only she could hear... “If I hear you insult Ianto like that once more... it will be your last breath!”
Gwen gulped as she looked straight into Jack’s eyes... she knew he wasn’t lying... he would kill her...
“I... I... was informed that there was something of alien interest and I am in charge of liaison between Heddlu and Torchwood, I decided to investigate... I was doing my job!”
“No Gwen, your job is to sit behind a desk and pick up the phone... if something strange comes in then you phone us... nothing more... nothing less... you are not an agent any more... you are an... admin person. There was no need for you to be here and there was definitely no need for you to contact the PM direct. That was way over your job description... but... now that we are all here... let’s see what was so important shall we... what was worth interrupting a good night’s sleep!”
“You’ll see... you wait... you wait and see what we... I found... then you’ll be sorry... then I will want a full apology... just you wait!” Gwen said hysterically as she started to run towards the edge of the cliff. She was so excited that she was going to show up Torchwood once and for all... she tripped and started to fall over the quarry’s edge. Strong arms grabbed her and she was pulled back to her feet.
“Careful Gwen... you could end up killing yourself if you go on like this...” Jack said... as he let go of her and rejoined the small group...
“Well there was a missed opportunity...!” Owen quipped to Ianto... who cocked his head from side to side as if weighing up the potential...
“Yeah... but think of the fun we can have keeping her alive!” Ianto said in his usual deadpan manner; just allowing one eyebrow to be raised.
Low chuckles were heard from the group... but Gwen did not see or hear them... she was too busy finding her way down the hill to her prize... except when she got down into the quarry... well... this did not look like the prize... she remembered...
As she stood looking over the ‘ship’, the group joined her...
“So Miss Cooper... this is your alien warship?”
“I ... I... don’t understand... this isn’t what we saw...” Gwen stuttered...
“We?” Jack asked...
“Yeah... me and John... John Hart... where is he?”
“He is... what can only be described as... off his tits ...” Owen snarked...
“I think the Doctor is trying so eloquently to say is that Mr. Hart is rather unwell due to the unfortunate intake of Class A drugs... which seem to have put him in rather a hallucinatory state, where he things he is... flying to the stars and back with the odd phrase of “open your slutty mouth and take it” thrown in for good measure...” Ianto interrupted using his diplomatic stance in front of the PM...
“Thank you Ianto...” the PM smiled... “Tell me Dr Harper... the term... off his tits... is that worse than off his face?”
“Marginally... I guess it is a step down from my other trusted term... totally fucked!” Owen said without flinching...
“Thank you Owen... I don’t think the PM needs to hear all your classic medical terms...” Ianto said...
“Well he asked...”
“Yes I did Dr Harper... yes I did!” the PM laughed... “Now Miss Cooper... this so-called ‘ship’ of yours... this is it... this is what you brought me all the way here for... this matter of national security?”
During the banter Gwen had been chasing around the ‘ship’ trying to find the door to get in...
Ianto walked up to the main ‘door’...
“I think you will find this is the way in Gwen...” Ianto said without looking at her... a smile threatening to burst through...
Gwen pushed him out of the way and went to pull open the heavy door she remembered... except this time the whole door came away from the frame... it was so light... it was like... papier mâché!
“What the fuck...?” Gwen screamed... “What the hell is this? This wasn’t like this... this isn’t a proper door... there was a proper door... a heavy metal door that sprung open when John keyed in stuff...”
“Your accomplice keyed in... stuff...? Would that be another technical term?” The PM asked...
“Yeah stuff... you know when he fiddles with that wrist thingy he has got... like Jack’s...!”
“Except the Captain’s is bigger...” Ianto and Owen quipped together... both straight faced... Jack raised an eyebrow at the two... innocents...
“Yes mine is bigger... as Ianto will vouch ... mine is always bigger...”
“Except when alongside mine...” Ianto smirked...
“Well yes gorgeous... except when I’m next to yours!” Jack leered...
“Oh God...” Gwen exclaimed... “We are back to dick sizing contests... why don’t you all get them out and compare notes...!”
“Well... if you insist...” Jack said about to unzip his flies...
“JACK!” Ianto hissed...
“What? Am joking... as if I would size mine up with the PM’s... honestly...” he said walking towards the ship... “I wouldn’t want to embarrass him... by losing!” He whispered to himself... he thought...
“You think I would lose do you Captain?” the PM laughed...
Ianto turned bright red and put his face in his hands... hoping that if he couldn’t see them... his problems would disappear... as if...
Go to Part VI: pinkpolyanthus.livejournal.com/32754.html
“Hart... get off me!”
“Wha’?”
“I said... get... off... me! NOW!”
“Jeeezzz.... wait...!” Hart tried to sit up but his head was killing him... he hadn’t felt this bad in a long time... then he looked down...
“Fuck me... I haven’t got any clothes on!”
“By the looks of it... that is what we did!”
“We did?”
“You don’t remember?”
“Errrmm... I’d have to say... that would be in the negative!”
“In the negative? You couldn’t just have said no?”
“OK... No! Anyway... do you remember anything?”
“No... just... that we were in a space ship of some sort...”
“Oh yeah... the Chula Warship... then you phoned the PM!”
“Oh my fucking God.... fuck... fuck... fuck... the Prime Minister!” she screamed...
“He is going to be here any minute... where the fuck are my clothes?”
Hart looked out the window...
“Errmmm... well I can see your knickers...”
Gwen looked down... Hart pointed out the window...
“No you daft bitch... not down there... out there!”
“What? What the fuck are my knickers doing out there?”
“Don’t know... but your bra is over there... and ... yep there’s my trousers... oh fuck... I wish I could remember what we did... it must have been really good...”
“Don’t flatter yourself! If we can’t remember... it can’t have been that good!”
Gwen scrambled out of the door looking around her... nothing... it looked clear... she ran over to pick up her knickers then her bra... noticing her clothes were strewn right back to the edge of the Quarry...
As she got to the last item, all her clothes firmly clutched under her arm, she looked around for somewhere to dress; then decided that false modesty left the party a long time ago!
As she started to put her pants on... she heard footsteps...
“Hart... if that is you coming to do your perve impression... you can fuck off!”
“I have been called many things Miss Cooper... but never a perve!”
Gwen turned around... there was the Prime Minister... UNIT officers either side of him and from behind them all stepped out... Jack... and Ianto... ... and Owen... and Tosh ... Gwen dropped her clothes...
“Yeah... nice tits Gwen... but not so marvellous that the Prime Minister would get out of bed at 5am to fly all the way here to see them! I am sure he has a better pair at home...!”
“JACK!” Ianto admonished...
“What? No I don’t mean he keeps his own personal pair of tits...”
“Thank you Jack... I think we got what you meant!”
Gwen started to dress as quickly as she could... forgoing the underwear... she was freezing... so anything was better than... nothing at all!!
“What is HE doing here?” Gwen shouted pointing at Jack.... “And him... why is the sheep shagger here?”
Jack stepped right up close to her... pheromones exuding at a hefty rate...
“We are Torchwood Gwen... that is why we are here... but more to the point Gwen... why are you here? You aren’t Torchwood anymore... this isn’t your problem...!
And by the way...” Jack lowered his voice right down to a menacing whisper that only she could hear... “If I hear you insult Ianto like that once more... it will be your last breath!”
Gwen gulped as she looked straight into Jack’s eyes... she knew he wasn’t lying... he would kill her...
“I... I... was informed that there was something of alien interest and I am in charge of liaison between Heddlu and Torchwood, I decided to investigate... I was doing my job!”
“No Gwen, your job is to sit behind a desk and pick up the phone... if something strange comes in then you phone us... nothing more... nothing less... you are not an agent any more... you are an... admin person. There was no need for you to be here and there was definitely no need for you to contact the PM direct. That was way over your job description... but... now that we are all here... let’s see what was so important shall we... what was worth interrupting a good night’s sleep!”
“You’ll see... you wait... you wait and see what we... I found... then you’ll be sorry... then I will want a full apology... just you wait!” Gwen said hysterically as she started to run towards the edge of the cliff. She was so excited that she was going to show up Torchwood once and for all... she tripped and started to fall over the quarry’s edge. Strong arms grabbed her and she was pulled back to her feet.
“Careful Gwen... you could end up killing yourself if you go on like this...” Jack said... as he let go of her and rejoined the small group...
“Well there was a missed opportunity...!” Owen quipped to Ianto... who cocked his head from side to side as if weighing up the potential...
“Yeah... but think of the fun we can have keeping her alive!” Ianto said in his usual deadpan manner; just allowing one eyebrow to be raised.
Low chuckles were heard from the group... but Gwen did not see or hear them... she was too busy finding her way down the hill to her prize... except when she got down into the quarry... well... this did not look like the prize... she remembered...
As she stood looking over the ‘ship’, the group joined her...
“So Miss Cooper... this is your alien warship?”
“I ... I... don’t understand... this isn’t what we saw...” Gwen stuttered...
“We?” Jack asked...
“Yeah... me and John... John Hart... where is he?”
“He is... what can only be described as... off his tits ...” Owen snarked...
“I think the Doctor is trying so eloquently to say is that Mr. Hart is rather unwell due to the unfortunate intake of Class A drugs... which seem to have put him in rather a hallucinatory state, where he things he is... flying to the stars and back with the odd phrase of “open your slutty mouth and take it” thrown in for good measure...” Ianto interrupted using his diplomatic stance in front of the PM...
“Thank you Ianto...” the PM smiled... “Tell me Dr Harper... the term... off his tits... is that worse than off his face?”
“Marginally... I guess it is a step down from my other trusted term... totally fucked!” Owen said without flinching...
“Thank you Owen... I don’t think the PM needs to hear all your classic medical terms...” Ianto said...
“Well he asked...”
“Yes I did Dr Harper... yes I did!” the PM laughed... “Now Miss Cooper... this so-called ‘ship’ of yours... this is it... this is what you brought me all the way here for... this matter of national security?”
During the banter Gwen had been chasing around the ‘ship’ trying to find the door to get in...
Ianto walked up to the main ‘door’...
“I think you will find this is the way in Gwen...” Ianto said without looking at her... a smile threatening to burst through...
Gwen pushed him out of the way and went to pull open the heavy door she remembered... except this time the whole door came away from the frame... it was so light... it was like... papier mâché!
“What the fuck...?” Gwen screamed... “What the hell is this? This wasn’t like this... this isn’t a proper door... there was a proper door... a heavy metal door that sprung open when John keyed in stuff...”
“Your accomplice keyed in... stuff...? Would that be another technical term?” The PM asked...
“Yeah stuff... you know when he fiddles with that wrist thingy he has got... like Jack’s...!”
“Except the Captain’s is bigger...” Ianto and Owen quipped together... both straight faced... Jack raised an eyebrow at the two... innocents...
“Yes mine is bigger... as Ianto will vouch ... mine is always bigger...”
“Except when alongside mine...” Ianto smirked...
“Well yes gorgeous... except when I’m next to yours!” Jack leered...
“Oh God...” Gwen exclaimed... “We are back to dick sizing contests... why don’t you all get them out and compare notes...!”
“Well... if you insist...” Jack said about to unzip his flies...
“JACK!” Ianto hissed...
“What? Am joking... as if I would size mine up with the PM’s... honestly...” he said walking towards the ship... “I wouldn’t want to embarrass him... by losing!” He whispered to himself... he thought...
“You think I would lose do you Captain?” the PM laughed...
Ianto turned bright red and put his face in his hands... hoping that if he couldn’t see them... his problems would disappear... as if...
Go to Part VI: pinkpolyanthus.livejournal.com/32754.html