(no subject)
I'm trying reeeeeeally hard not to let this thing die, but damn if Facebook is not the lazy mans cocktail. Anywhoo, I'm here; I'm alive. This may be a matter of opinion, but..... meh. I'm still fighting through a depression/feeling sorry for myself/emo cry baby/fucktard phase. Working on that. I whine a lot, but so far remain unmedicated which makes me as "happy" as someone in the above description can be. I know what's causing it, and the only thing I can do to change it is make the change. Easier said than done.
House is number one. Still hate it here. The neighborhood, house, "landlord", yep....all made of the stank. HATE IT! I hate being so far removed from EVERYTHING. Lecter is the only comforting thing about my situation. I've gotta get out of here. Still looking at houses. I'm not one for admitting failure. I make decent money, and I CAN buy. The property taxes out here are simply not meant for a single person. Even if I did buy I probably couldn't afford to maintain, thus ending up like my "landlord" and fuck that whole scene. I'm tired of working two jobs, I'm tired of missing my friends(I've already lost a few along the way), I'm tired to exhausting myself. Maybe it isn't the right time for me. I'm quitting PetSmart by then end of August. No doubt. NIH treats me well enough that I shouldn't have to give up my wander lust, I just need to tighten my belt a bit. Odds are I'm moving to Baltimore City to enjoy studio living. The commute will be hell on wheels, but I will have the satisfaction of knowing that I can come home to the peace that city living has always provided for me. My social calendar will have triple the amount of open spots. I'll have the time for studio pole dancing, ghost hunting, dancing, and anything else I may have given up for endless hours of retail. I can buy another SCOOTER, which would be PERFECT for local errands, and could even be taken to visit my mother if need be. I'm liking this idea more and more.
Going to Paris next month. It hasn't really hit me yet, and this hurts Dava's feelings. This is her dream trip, and I feel really guilty to come off as unenthusiastic to be taking her. I'm REALLY happy got her and grateful for the opportunity, it's just that these things never truly hit me until the last minute. I clearly remember not being the least bit excited about Japan until I was on the plane. That's just how I roll. I promise I'll get there.
Again with the love life? Hrmmm. Tough one. Technically? Still non-existent. All by choice. Do I have options? Yes indeed. For the first time in several years, I seem to be drawing some attention in that department. I couldn't begin to explain why. I feel like my endless hours of slaving away working hard to play hard has robbed me of a personality. Sure, I have interests other then travel, but no time to explore them. The only thing I ever have on my mind is work/stuff that I want/need, making me for quite the dull conversationalist. I've always been quiet and awkward in that department anyway. I also was head over heels in love with a man whom could not, and would not love me back on the same level as I so "desperately" needed at the time. My experiences have left me with a case of tunnel vision in terms of what it is that makes me emotionally fulfilled, ironic as this vision has given me nothing of the sort. I'm trying to overcome it, but don't feel it's fair to involve anyone else in my emotional drama. I couldn't begin to give any deserving person an ounce of emotional energy that they may have invested in me. I've been relapsing (mildly) back into the tunnel vision in recent weeks. It's an emotional test in which I am setting myself up for failure. I like to think that eventually I'll get there.