resting on eggshells.
I haven't been writing in here lately. I'm honestly concerned about posting again....it's been months since I posted anything substantial and public. I know who reads my journal, and I don't want my entries to hurt anyone.
I've been trying so hard to heal. Apparently, the only state that I can obtain through healing seems to be numbness. I guess it's better than before. Sort of. I want so badly to be able to feel again, as I did before, but this is what I'm carrying around and maybe it's my punishment for destroying a marriage. I feel like I'm living on eggshells, dodging and avoiding any thoughts that hurt inside. I don't know how to deal with these thoughts. They haunt me. I feel like I'm healing, but not dealing...and I feel like my wounds are going to heal with huge scars. I'm mostly disconnected from myself. How could anyone want to connect to themselves after what happened? I feel so fucking alone in the world. With as many loved ones as I have, and this life that I'm floating through....it's all just that, floating.
I've been taking each day at a time, trying to take care of myself, trying to not think too much, feel too much, say too much. I haven't been talking about what happened to anyone because I can't talk about it. Sometimes I feel so alone that I don't understand the point of it all.
I've realized that as life goes on, we become not only more physically fragile, but our hearts are also more fragile.....after they are beaten down time and time again. hearts become calloused and harder...it makes loving again the most difficult thing in the world.
Writing this down into my journal is making me physically sick, but I need an outlet into which i can purge all of my pain.
I don't know what is best....to avoid all music reminding me of what happened, all thoughts, all pictures....I can't even function as a normal human being like this. I'm just sitting here on eggshells, waiting for the surface beneath me to crack again. If it gives, I'll be gone forever. So, until it becomes stronger, or breaks, I'll be sitting here waiting to heal, waiting for the feeling to return in my heart.
Where is god?
I've been trying so hard to heal. Apparently, the only state that I can obtain through healing seems to be numbness. I guess it's better than before. Sort of. I want so badly to be able to feel again, as I did before, but this is what I'm carrying around and maybe it's my punishment for destroying a marriage. I feel like I'm living on eggshells, dodging and avoiding any thoughts that hurt inside. I don't know how to deal with these thoughts. They haunt me. I feel like I'm healing, but not dealing...and I feel like my wounds are going to heal with huge scars. I'm mostly disconnected from myself. How could anyone want to connect to themselves after what happened? I feel so fucking alone in the world. With as many loved ones as I have, and this life that I'm floating through....it's all just that, floating.
I've been taking each day at a time, trying to take care of myself, trying to not think too much, feel too much, say too much. I haven't been talking about what happened to anyone because I can't talk about it. Sometimes I feel so alone that I don't understand the point of it all.
I've realized that as life goes on, we become not only more physically fragile, but our hearts are also more fragile.....after they are beaten down time and time again. hearts become calloused and harder...it makes loving again the most difficult thing in the world.
Writing this down into my journal is making me physically sick, but I need an outlet into which i can purge all of my pain.
I don't know what is best....to avoid all music reminding me of what happened, all thoughts, all pictures....I can't even function as a normal human being like this. I'm just sitting here on eggshells, waiting for the surface beneath me to crack again. If it gives, I'll be gone forever. So, until it becomes stronger, or breaks, I'll be sitting here waiting to heal, waiting for the feeling to return in my heart.
Where is god?