i am in repair: i'm not together, but i'm getting there.
i am sitting in my apartment--having just gotten back from orlando about an hour ago--with my cat, my computer and a bowl of black-eyed-peas (eating them on new year's day is good luck, my mother says), reflecting on the past 52 weeks.
it's quiet here; the only sounds are the dull hum of the refrigerator, my fingers on the keyboard, and oscar's purring (he's happy i'm back). outside, small droplets of rain--remnants of an afternoon/early-evening shower--cling to the window, but the sky, for the moment, is clear.
***
i think that if i were asked to describe the past year, the most appropriate adjective would be "significant."
and if i were asked expand on that adjective, i would say the year could be divided into two significant parts: my uncle frank's death and my getting a job (and consequently moving to sarasota).
death is never easy, but uncle frank's was particularly difficult. in august 2005, after a weeks-long trip to europe, the news came in four small words: cancer (prostate, lung, brain). as per usual, my mom's family didn't cry. instead, we swallowed hard, rallying around aunt jean and uncle frank and staying strong (trying, trying) through a graduation (mine), the holidays, a wedding (my cousin matthew's, uncle frank's son) and, ultimately, the realization that uncle frank wasn't going to get better.
he passed away in february of this past year, and nothing has been the same. aunt jean has been to florida twice since the funeral--once in the summer and then again for christmas. it's still weird that uncle frank wasn't with her; weird that i'll never him crack one of his wry jokes or hug his thin, athletic frame again. i feel like, since he died, my heart has turned a little in my chest, causing the way i view the world (because i think i view the world through my heart, as opposed to my head) to shift.
and i feel like maybe i should thank him for that shift, because it's certainly helped me grow.
still, if having him here meant no growth, no shift--even ift meant a regression--i would pick that option. in a heartbeat.
***
then there's work. last august--almost exactly a year after uncle frank's cancer-diagnosis--i came to sarasota with my friend kaitlin to interview for a copy editing position at a local magazine. in just a few days (i still look back on the whirlwind of activity that surrounded the interview and shake my head), i was offered the job and asked to move to sarasota by the fifth of september.
somehow, i managed to find an apartment, some furniture, and some fundage (thank you, mom and dad) and made the move-in deadline. it's been quite a transition--living by myself for the first time, paying rent, working a 40 hour week and getting appropriately compensated--but i love it. i'm learning a lot, and although i falter sometimes, i truly-truly feel like i'm doing exactly what i want. i don't see myself staying in sarasota forever--i'd give myself five years here, at most (new york is still calling my name, albeit a little more softly lately)--but i see it as a stepping-stone to something greater.
and i've said this before, but i'll say it again: the opportunity to work for a magazine that's circulated to thousands of people, and the ability to contribute those people's daily conversation, to a dialogue that's bigger than me, is amazing. i stop to think about that all-the-time.
really, my life is perfect (even when it's not).
***
with that in mind, here are some new-year's-goals (i don't keep "resolutions"):
year-long goal:
feel better physically.
short-term goals:
use my (company provided, free) ymca membership.
do yoga.
drink more water.
eat better-quality food.
get more sleep.
year-long goal:
be a better friend.
short-term goals:
listen, hard.
put in the effort.
stop-and-think.
gain perspective.
do most, if not all, with love.
year-long goal:
achieve financial stability.
short-term goals:
pay off credit cards a few big chunks at a time.
take advantage of 401(k).
shop a little less, save a little more.
pay parental loans back.
work on stetson loans.
year-long goal:
complete some frivolous, personal aspirations.
short-term goals:
read more.
write more.
walk barefoot on the beach as much as possible.
some new clothes and apartment stuff.
more black-and-white photographs.
year-long goal:
be happy.
short-term goals:
friends.
family.
the ocean.
love.
beauty everywhere.
the everyday.
(i'm lucky.)
it's quiet here; the only sounds are the dull hum of the refrigerator, my fingers on the keyboard, and oscar's purring (he's happy i'm back). outside, small droplets of rain--remnants of an afternoon/early-evening shower--cling to the window, but the sky, for the moment, is clear.
***
i think that if i were asked to describe the past year, the most appropriate adjective would be "significant."
and if i were asked expand on that adjective, i would say the year could be divided into two significant parts: my uncle frank's death and my getting a job (and consequently moving to sarasota).
death is never easy, but uncle frank's was particularly difficult. in august 2005, after a weeks-long trip to europe, the news came in four small words: cancer (prostate, lung, brain). as per usual, my mom's family didn't cry. instead, we swallowed hard, rallying around aunt jean and uncle frank and staying strong (trying, trying) through a graduation (mine), the holidays, a wedding (my cousin matthew's, uncle frank's son) and, ultimately, the realization that uncle frank wasn't going to get better.
he passed away in february of this past year, and nothing has been the same. aunt jean has been to florida twice since the funeral--once in the summer and then again for christmas. it's still weird that uncle frank wasn't with her; weird that i'll never him crack one of his wry jokes or hug his thin, athletic frame again. i feel like, since he died, my heart has turned a little in my chest, causing the way i view the world (because i think i view the world through my heart, as opposed to my head) to shift.
and i feel like maybe i should thank him for that shift, because it's certainly helped me grow.
still, if having him here meant no growth, no shift--even ift meant a regression--i would pick that option. in a heartbeat.
***
then there's work. last august--almost exactly a year after uncle frank's cancer-diagnosis--i came to sarasota with my friend kaitlin to interview for a copy editing position at a local magazine. in just a few days (i still look back on the whirlwind of activity that surrounded the interview and shake my head), i was offered the job and asked to move to sarasota by the fifth of september.
somehow, i managed to find an apartment, some furniture, and some fundage (thank you, mom and dad) and made the move-in deadline. it's been quite a transition--living by myself for the first time, paying rent, working a 40 hour week and getting appropriately compensated--but i love it. i'm learning a lot, and although i falter sometimes, i truly-truly feel like i'm doing exactly what i want. i don't see myself staying in sarasota forever--i'd give myself five years here, at most (new york is still calling my name, albeit a little more softly lately)--but i see it as a stepping-stone to something greater.
and i've said this before, but i'll say it again: the opportunity to work for a magazine that's circulated to thousands of people, and the ability to contribute those people's daily conversation, to a dialogue that's bigger than me, is amazing. i stop to think about that all-the-time.
really, my life is perfect (even when it's not).
***
with that in mind, here are some new-year's-goals (i don't keep "resolutions"):
year-long goal:
feel better physically.
short-term goals:
use my (company provided, free) ymca membership.
do yoga.
drink more water.
eat better-quality food.
get more sleep.
year-long goal:
be a better friend.
short-term goals:
listen, hard.
put in the effort.
stop-and-think.
gain perspective.
do most, if not all, with love.
year-long goal:
achieve financial stability.
short-term goals:
pay off credit cards a few big chunks at a time.
take advantage of 401(k).
shop a little less, save a little more.
pay parental loans back.
work on stetson loans.
year-long goal:
complete some frivolous, personal aspirations.
short-term goals:
read more.
write more.
walk barefoot on the beach as much as possible.
some new clothes and apartment stuff.
more black-and-white photographs.
year-long goal:
be happy.
short-term goals:
friends.
family.
the ocean.
love.
beauty everywhere.
the everyday.
(i'm lucky.)