jumbles
My head is all full, and I feel like I need to release some of my thoughts to free up some space. And I know they won't go away just because I am writing them, but they seem to take up less space when I share them.
For the most part, my life is pretty uneventful. I go to school, go to work, and teach classes at Gold's. In between, I'll eat and take care of my dogs and other things. I never initiate outings with friends, only because I am usually fine by myself. And sometimes (although silly), I feel like I am imposing. Oh my. I do like people though. People fascinate me. I would love to meet a new friend. I especially love people are NOT like me. I think those are the best. Don't get me wrong, I like people similar to me, but I think I might get along better with those who aren't.
Recently, I had a new friend. We were involved romantically for a bit and then agreed friends was better. But, because of my own stupidity, I'm afraid we are not really speaking anymore. Why is moving on so hard? Time is helping a lot. But the memories of my mistake are etched in my brain, not moving one bit. I keep replaying moments in my head. I can't seem to make it stop. I try real hard though. Dwelling is one my worst habits. How can you make yourself not think about something? Even when I try to distract myself, it's like a constant taunting in the back of my brain. Like the distraction is acting more as a translucent cover-up, with the original thought still slightly visible.
I would love to be forgiven, but, at this point, I don't see that happening. Granted, it has only been a few days. I acted in a way that I have NEVER acted before, nor did I even know I was capable of. Nothing violent; nothing physical. Just emotional disappointment. Lots of it. And I think the person who will have to hardest time forgiving me, is me. Although forgiveness may not be in my future, I do want this person to know how completely foolish I feel. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I expect nothing, and I can only hope that you know how incredibly sorry I am. Maybe one day we can be friends again...but I will understand if this is not a possibility.
I didn't really mean for that to turn into an apology letter. I guess that's just what's in my head.
Wow, it has been sooo long since I've written in this thing. I had forgotten what a nice release it is. I don't know if I'll update regularly, but it's good to know it's here.
All I want to do is love.
For the most part, my life is pretty uneventful. I go to school, go to work, and teach classes at Gold's. In between, I'll eat and take care of my dogs and other things. I never initiate outings with friends, only because I am usually fine by myself. And sometimes (although silly), I feel like I am imposing. Oh my. I do like people though. People fascinate me. I would love to meet a new friend. I especially love people are NOT like me. I think those are the best. Don't get me wrong, I like people similar to me, but I think I might get along better with those who aren't.
Recently, I had a new friend. We were involved romantically for a bit and then agreed friends was better. But, because of my own stupidity, I'm afraid we are not really speaking anymore. Why is moving on so hard? Time is helping a lot. But the memories of my mistake are etched in my brain, not moving one bit. I keep replaying moments in my head. I can't seem to make it stop. I try real hard though. Dwelling is one my worst habits. How can you make yourself not think about something? Even when I try to distract myself, it's like a constant taunting in the back of my brain. Like the distraction is acting more as a translucent cover-up, with the original thought still slightly visible.
I would love to be forgiven, but, at this point, I don't see that happening. Granted, it has only been a few days. I acted in a way that I have NEVER acted before, nor did I even know I was capable of. Nothing violent; nothing physical. Just emotional disappointment. Lots of it. And I think the person who will have to hardest time forgiving me, is me. Although forgiveness may not be in my future, I do want this person to know how completely foolish I feel. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I expect nothing, and I can only hope that you know how incredibly sorry I am. Maybe one day we can be friends again...but I will understand if this is not a possibility.
I didn't really mean for that to turn into an apology letter. I guess that's just what's in my head.
Wow, it has been sooo long since I've written in this thing. I had forgotten what a nice release it is. I don't know if I'll update regularly, but it's good to know it's here.
All I want to do is love.