Friends
While having a conversation with a friend I told her that getting over B was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do and I am not sure that she believed me. I struggled to find the right words but they sounded flat even to me. She started asking about some of the more difficult times in my life. She mentioned growing up without my mom, the beatings that I got as a young girl, the big family secret, the abuse of an ex, dealing with an eating disorder, drugs, and even Crohn's. I tried to explain why dealing with this particular heart break was harder than facing my rapist, accepting that I had an illness to which there was no cure, and everything else she had brought up, I am not sure that I was able to explain what made it so difficult and I have thought of our conversation many times since then. Trying to find the right words to explain what I have struggled with the last few months I think that I had a hard time finding the right words when I spoke to her because I did not want to admit that I am not as strong as she thinks I am, and not only would I somehow be letting her down, but that she would be there by my side carrying me through just as she has done countless times since we were fifteen. Please do not misunderstand what I am saying, I am blessed to have her in my life but I am afraid that there will come a time that I will have asked for too much and she too will tell me that the stress from the illness is too much to deal with. It is hard for me to even type the words now, almost if by saying them it will make them come true. It is an example of why it has been so hard to get over the break up, I have had the same fear in the past....
Before there was B I held most people at an arms distance, I did not trust many people, and I certainly did not fall in love. We talked about everything, politics, what we wanted out of life things that were important to us. I saw in his eyes the kind of streangth that I so desperately craved. I held back some things from him even when we made the transition from friends to lovers and he was patient with me, knowing that I would come to him when I was ready, and over time I revealed all my secrets. While I shared the words with him I kept the mistrust, shame, and guilt that was a result of it with me. I knew he was frustrated that I could share my secrets with him but I still held a part of me back. Something that I had never dared to give to anyone, not my friends, or family something that I kept hidden so that I could not get hurt. He was patient for so long waiting for me to come to him in my own time. I denied that I still held back but he had seen me wince as we argued waiting for a blow to land even though while his voice sometimes raised his hand never did. I waited for the hateful words to come, waited for my illness to drive him away. I told him that he had that out, as long as we were not married, when my illness got to be too much (I assured him that one day it would) he could get out and I would not be mad. Every time that I got sick I reminded him of that out. His eyes would fill with anger and I could see pain and frustration in his face and I hated myself for hurting him but it was the only way that I knew to protect myself. I could not trust I was good enough to deserve that kind of love. I was sure that in the end I would get hurt. He had his own demons that he struggled with and I prayed that his suffering would end, and he would find peace. There was nothing I wanted more than to bring him the one thing that I knew would bring him joy, even if it meant him moving away and losing him and I knew that it might come to that there was never a day that went by that I did not try and figure a way to bring her into his life.
Then one day when my stomach was particularly grouchy he got mad as I joked about his "out". His eyes filled with the same anger and pain I had seen so many times before and his voice cracked as he told me that I was going to have to trust that he was not going to leave, he reminded me no matter how angry he got, or how bad an argument got he would never hit me, and he hoped one day I would no longer flinch in anticipation of a blow that would never come and he said that he would never leave me because I was sick, when you love someone you stand by them no matter what. He said he loved me and that he did not want to lose me but a relationship without trust would never last, and if after so many years I still did not trust him then it was time to end things, He said that it was a choice only I could make and when I had made my decision to let him know what I decided he would be waiting.
I know to most people it would be a simple choice but it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, I still wonder if I made the right decision . Trusting him meant that I had to put my heart on the line in a way that I had never done before. I am ashamed to admit it but at first I thought that we would break up. The thought of giving all of me to someone else was out of the question. He already knew everything about me, things that to this day I have never told another soul I thought that would be enough. I thought that by knowing everything he would have understood why I could not give him my whole heart, why I could not trust him not to break it. I hated the thought of letting him go but it seemed that there was no other way, I braced myself to break things off. When I looked into his eyes I saw fear and I realized he was afraid of losing me and everything I had planned to say was forgotten. I could hardly breath and I knew right then that I wanted him in my life in a way that I did not fully understand and I promised to trust that he would not leave me and I would try harder to remember he would never hit me. It did not happen over night but he was patient with me and I fell in love for the first time in my life, and as time went on I let all my doubt and fears go. Life was good, I still had the memories of the bad things that I have gone through in my life I still had dreams that were so real I cried out in my sleep, he always seemed to wake me before the dreams got too bad he would hold me in his arms wiping away my tears, staying awake long after I had fallen back to sleep in case the dream returned. After a while, for the first time in my life my dreams stopped. I gave my whole heart to him, I fell in love and for once my life was good. Even when things were tough and there was stress I was ok because I knew that we would get through it together and that as long as I had him I could make it through anything. I longed to be able to make him feel the same that I did, and I think that he did as much as he could. I know that there is a part of his heart that no one could ever touch, a part that was broken a long time before I was a part of his life. I longed to find a way to bring you the same peace he had brought me, I racked my brain to figure out a way. I would have done anything to make it better even if that meant giving him up. I prayed everyday for his heart to be whole again, for him to have her in his life.
So when my friend asked why it was so much harder to lose him than to go through all that I have I was not sure that I could explain that by losing him I wondered if it was wrong of me to think that I deserved love. Facing all that I have been through (so much less than others) was not easy exactly, and I am not sure that I can explain it in a way that makes sense to others. Going through that stuff I was able to go outside myself. It was like I was watching a movie, a horrible movie. I was able to deal with it because it was not real and when I was forced to deal with it I chose to do so in unhealthy ways, but again even then I was watching a horrible movie and I did not really care for the leading lady. He changed all that, I still had a bad habit of ignoring stuff that bothered me but I trusted him in a way that I had never done before. He showed me that if something happened to me the people who loved would also be affected, when I truly believed that I was not able to deal with stress in the way that I knew how, I wish that I could say that I stopped all my unhealthy behavior but lets get real. I can say that I stopped the ones that were causing the most harm I still have this urge to go back to the ways to deal with pain, and I have given it a lot of thought through all of this. I miss being numb but thanks to him I now know my actions affect other people, and when I do unhealthy things it hurts the people that love me and the thought of causing anyone that I love this kind of pain is out of the question. Getting over him has been the hardest thing that I have had to do because I find myself questioning everything that he said to me. He said that when you loved someone you stood by them no matter what, you did not leave someone because they were sick. In the end that is what he did. I do not blame him I gave him the out, he worked so hard to convince me that it was something he would never do I was the one dumb enough to believe him. I have spent the last six plus months not only having to get over losing my best friend but trying to sort through what was the truth and what was a lie. I was forced to face demons that I had buried so long ago. I thought about jumping into a new relationship like I have always done in the past ignoring what was hurting me till it went away, I even went out with a few different guys but for once I could not ignore what I was going through so I stopped going out with guys, I hung out with my friends B and I even seemed to almost get back to where we had been before we dated but there was still something different. I started writing one day, I filled page after page with the heartache that I was going through I wrote letters to him that I knew that he would never see I even posted a few entries on here, trying to figure out why I was not able to move on, why it still hurt. I am not sure when I figured it out, to be honest I think that it came a little at a time and it took me a while to want to see it.When he took my "out" he proved everything else that I had in my head before we started dating right. It was selfish of me to want someone to marry me and start a family. Chances are I will get sick again, and I will have to have another operation, and then my husband not only has to take care of me but any children we may have, its a lot to ask. It is more than just the illness though, I now feel like a burden to my family and friends, the thought that they have to deal with me sick breaks my heart, I wish that I did not have to put them through the stress of worrying about how I am feeling, I hate that my father has burned through his savings on top of the stress I have brought into his life.
Getting over B was so much more than a simple broken heart I found myself questioning what I am doing to the people that I love the most. IT IS IN NO WAY HIS FAULT that I feel the way that I do, it is my own warped self image that makes me feel this way. For some reason I have always seen something different than what everyone else sees when I look into the mirror. I still see a weak frightened child, afraid of the dark who hopes that one day she can change the world by being a better person, and bringing laughter and joy to not only the ones that she loves but to everyone who is going through a rough time not sure if they can make it through. I know that I am finally able to move on, my heart does not hurt when I think of him and while I miss him its my friend I miss the most, I had a conversation with (wow what do I call him?) X and II was complaining about my nose being stuffed up and my frustration that nothing seemed to be going in or out. He suggested a netty pot and as I explained that I did not like the idea of pouring water in my nose he started laughing, and I was not ready for what came next. With the laughter replaced with shock he reminded me that he had watched me have a tube put in my nose that ran into my stomach where it had stayed for almost a month. I told him that not only was I surprised he remembered that but I had forgotten that he has held my hand through it all, never once leaving my side. For a second I was taken back to seven years ago, and I remembered how he was there at my side everyday. There was no test that he was not there for he eyes never left mine he had been my rock. He asked how after that something like water could bother me, I told him I had forgotten he was there for that, since it was something that even my father did not have the stomach to stick around for. He told me that it had been the most disturbing thing he had ever seen and he had never been able to forget it he said that at the time he had thought about leaving with my father when I told him it was ok to go but then he said that he realized that no matter how uncomfortable it would be for him it was nothing compared to what I was about to go through so he stayed. I had tears filling my eyes as he talked and I tried to keep them from my voice but he heard, and asked what they were from. I was not sure how to explain what they were, so instead I asked him what had kept him there at my side during what still remains the worst my illness has ever been. I had thought it many times when we hung out but never had the guts to ask his answer shocked me. He told me that it was the same reason he enjoyed spending time with me now, he told me I was one of the strongest people that he has ever known, and that he enjoys being with me. I was shocked to hear his answer, and I had a small amount of guilt knowing that I had hurt him when I had ended things all those years ago and I wanted so bad to say so but fear stopped me, I was not sure that I could explain that we had been in two different places then, I had not been ready for marriage and thought letting him go had been the right thing to do. After I hung up my thoughts went back to B and all that I had struggled with in the last few months and for the first time in a long time I understood a little better what he meant. I wish that I could say that I am 100% ok but I am not and I think that it will take me a long time to get there but I have hope that I will get there in time. I no longer hurt when I think of B I am able to go out and enjoy myself. I still have issues with trust and I am not sure that I will be throwing the L word around anytime soon but I am hopeful for the future and what it has in store for me. I have fun with X and I am glad that he is a part of my life again, I did not know how much I had missed him. I will take it one day at a time and see where it goes, I do miss B and I wish that we had stayed friends like we said we would, especially with what he is going through now I so wish that I could be there with him to see the heartache finally gone to see his eyes as his prayers are finally answered, I think that he knows that I am here if he needs me, well at least I hope he knows it. Time will tell what happens next for now I am just trying to take it one day at a time waiting for my life to finally belong to me again...
Before there was B I held most people at an arms distance, I did not trust many people, and I certainly did not fall in love. We talked about everything, politics, what we wanted out of life things that were important to us. I saw in his eyes the kind of streangth that I so desperately craved. I held back some things from him even when we made the transition from friends to lovers and he was patient with me, knowing that I would come to him when I was ready, and over time I revealed all my secrets. While I shared the words with him I kept the mistrust, shame, and guilt that was a result of it with me. I knew he was frustrated that I could share my secrets with him but I still held a part of me back. Something that I had never dared to give to anyone, not my friends, or family something that I kept hidden so that I could not get hurt. He was patient for so long waiting for me to come to him in my own time. I denied that I still held back but he had seen me wince as we argued waiting for a blow to land even though while his voice sometimes raised his hand never did. I waited for the hateful words to come, waited for my illness to drive him away. I told him that he had that out, as long as we were not married, when my illness got to be too much (I assured him that one day it would) he could get out and I would not be mad. Every time that I got sick I reminded him of that out. His eyes would fill with anger and I could see pain and frustration in his face and I hated myself for hurting him but it was the only way that I knew to protect myself. I could not trust I was good enough to deserve that kind of love. I was sure that in the end I would get hurt. He had his own demons that he struggled with and I prayed that his suffering would end, and he would find peace. There was nothing I wanted more than to bring him the one thing that I knew would bring him joy, even if it meant him moving away and losing him and I knew that it might come to that there was never a day that went by that I did not try and figure a way to bring her into his life.
Then one day when my stomach was particularly grouchy he got mad as I joked about his "out". His eyes filled with the same anger and pain I had seen so many times before and his voice cracked as he told me that I was going to have to trust that he was not going to leave, he reminded me no matter how angry he got, or how bad an argument got he would never hit me, and he hoped one day I would no longer flinch in anticipation of a blow that would never come and he said that he would never leave me because I was sick, when you love someone you stand by them no matter what. He said he loved me and that he did not want to lose me but a relationship without trust would never last, and if after so many years I still did not trust him then it was time to end things, He said that it was a choice only I could make and when I had made my decision to let him know what I decided he would be waiting.
I know to most people it would be a simple choice but it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, I still wonder if I made the right decision . Trusting him meant that I had to put my heart on the line in a way that I had never done before. I am ashamed to admit it but at first I thought that we would break up. The thought of giving all of me to someone else was out of the question. He already knew everything about me, things that to this day I have never told another soul I thought that would be enough. I thought that by knowing everything he would have understood why I could not give him my whole heart, why I could not trust him not to break it. I hated the thought of letting him go but it seemed that there was no other way, I braced myself to break things off. When I looked into his eyes I saw fear and I realized he was afraid of losing me and everything I had planned to say was forgotten. I could hardly breath and I knew right then that I wanted him in my life in a way that I did not fully understand and I promised to trust that he would not leave me and I would try harder to remember he would never hit me. It did not happen over night but he was patient with me and I fell in love for the first time in my life, and as time went on I let all my doubt and fears go. Life was good, I still had the memories of the bad things that I have gone through in my life I still had dreams that were so real I cried out in my sleep, he always seemed to wake me before the dreams got too bad he would hold me in his arms wiping away my tears, staying awake long after I had fallen back to sleep in case the dream returned. After a while, for the first time in my life my dreams stopped. I gave my whole heart to him, I fell in love and for once my life was good. Even when things were tough and there was stress I was ok because I knew that we would get through it together and that as long as I had him I could make it through anything. I longed to be able to make him feel the same that I did, and I think that he did as much as he could. I know that there is a part of his heart that no one could ever touch, a part that was broken a long time before I was a part of his life. I longed to find a way to bring you the same peace he had brought me, I racked my brain to figure out a way. I would have done anything to make it better even if that meant giving him up. I prayed everyday for his heart to be whole again, for him to have her in his life.
So when my friend asked why it was so much harder to lose him than to go through all that I have I was not sure that I could explain that by losing him I wondered if it was wrong of me to think that I deserved love. Facing all that I have been through (so much less than others) was not easy exactly, and I am not sure that I can explain it in a way that makes sense to others. Going through that stuff I was able to go outside myself. It was like I was watching a movie, a horrible movie. I was able to deal with it because it was not real and when I was forced to deal with it I chose to do so in unhealthy ways, but again even then I was watching a horrible movie and I did not really care for the leading lady. He changed all that, I still had a bad habit of ignoring stuff that bothered me but I trusted him in a way that I had never done before. He showed me that if something happened to me the people who loved would also be affected, when I truly believed that I was not able to deal with stress in the way that I knew how, I wish that I could say that I stopped all my unhealthy behavior but lets get real. I can say that I stopped the ones that were causing the most harm I still have this urge to go back to the ways to deal with pain, and I have given it a lot of thought through all of this. I miss being numb but thanks to him I now know my actions affect other people, and when I do unhealthy things it hurts the people that love me and the thought of causing anyone that I love this kind of pain is out of the question. Getting over him has been the hardest thing that I have had to do because I find myself questioning everything that he said to me. He said that when you loved someone you stood by them no matter what, you did not leave someone because they were sick. In the end that is what he did. I do not blame him I gave him the out, he worked so hard to convince me that it was something he would never do I was the one dumb enough to believe him. I have spent the last six plus months not only having to get over losing my best friend but trying to sort through what was the truth and what was a lie. I was forced to face demons that I had buried so long ago. I thought about jumping into a new relationship like I have always done in the past ignoring what was hurting me till it went away, I even went out with a few different guys but for once I could not ignore what I was going through so I stopped going out with guys, I hung out with my friends B and I even seemed to almost get back to where we had been before we dated but there was still something different. I started writing one day, I filled page after page with the heartache that I was going through I wrote letters to him that I knew that he would never see I even posted a few entries on here, trying to figure out why I was not able to move on, why it still hurt. I am not sure when I figured it out, to be honest I think that it came a little at a time and it took me a while to want to see it.When he took my "out" he proved everything else that I had in my head before we started dating right. It was selfish of me to want someone to marry me and start a family. Chances are I will get sick again, and I will have to have another operation, and then my husband not only has to take care of me but any children we may have, its a lot to ask. It is more than just the illness though, I now feel like a burden to my family and friends, the thought that they have to deal with me sick breaks my heart, I wish that I did not have to put them through the stress of worrying about how I am feeling, I hate that my father has burned through his savings on top of the stress I have brought into his life.
Getting over B was so much more than a simple broken heart I found myself questioning what I am doing to the people that I love the most. IT IS IN NO WAY HIS FAULT that I feel the way that I do, it is my own warped self image that makes me feel this way. For some reason I have always seen something different than what everyone else sees when I look into the mirror. I still see a weak frightened child, afraid of the dark who hopes that one day she can change the world by being a better person, and bringing laughter and joy to not only the ones that she loves but to everyone who is going through a rough time not sure if they can make it through. I know that I am finally able to move on, my heart does not hurt when I think of him and while I miss him its my friend I miss the most, I had a conversation with (wow what do I call him?) X and II was complaining about my nose being stuffed up and my frustration that nothing seemed to be going in or out. He suggested a netty pot and as I explained that I did not like the idea of pouring water in my nose he started laughing, and I was not ready for what came next. With the laughter replaced with shock he reminded me that he had watched me have a tube put in my nose that ran into my stomach where it had stayed for almost a month. I told him that not only was I surprised he remembered that but I had forgotten that he has held my hand through it all, never once leaving my side. For a second I was taken back to seven years ago, and I remembered how he was there at my side everyday. There was no test that he was not there for he eyes never left mine he had been my rock. He asked how after that something like water could bother me, I told him I had forgotten he was there for that, since it was something that even my father did not have the stomach to stick around for. He told me that it had been the most disturbing thing he had ever seen and he had never been able to forget it he said that at the time he had thought about leaving with my father when I told him it was ok to go but then he said that he realized that no matter how uncomfortable it would be for him it was nothing compared to what I was about to go through so he stayed. I had tears filling my eyes as he talked and I tried to keep them from my voice but he heard, and asked what they were from. I was not sure how to explain what they were, so instead I asked him what had kept him there at my side during what still remains the worst my illness has ever been. I had thought it many times when we hung out but never had the guts to ask his answer shocked me. He told me that it was the same reason he enjoyed spending time with me now, he told me I was one of the strongest people that he has ever known, and that he enjoys being with me. I was shocked to hear his answer, and I had a small amount of guilt knowing that I had hurt him when I had ended things all those years ago and I wanted so bad to say so but fear stopped me, I was not sure that I could explain that we had been in two different places then, I had not been ready for marriage and thought letting him go had been the right thing to do. After I hung up my thoughts went back to B and all that I had struggled with in the last few months and for the first time in a long time I understood a little better what he meant. I wish that I could say that I am 100% ok but I am not and I think that it will take me a long time to get there but I have hope that I will get there in time. I no longer hurt when I think of B I am able to go out and enjoy myself. I still have issues with trust and I am not sure that I will be throwing the L word around anytime soon but I am hopeful for the future and what it has in store for me. I have fun with X and I am glad that he is a part of my life again, I did not know how much I had missed him. I will take it one day at a time and see where it goes, I do miss B and I wish that we had stayed friends like we said we would, especially with what he is going through now I so wish that I could be there with him to see the heartache finally gone to see his eyes as his prayers are finally answered, I think that he knows that I am here if he needs me, well at least I hope he knows it. Time will tell what happens next for now I am just trying to take it one day at a time waiting for my life to finally belong to me again...