a little bit bruised, a little bit humbled and, hopefully, a little bit smarter
so im purging. but, im purging at the risk of this getting back around to you, and maybe the loss of whatever it is we are; the thing is, it doesn't seem like we are much of anything so what is there to lose? it took me 4 years to get it and one night to lose it- funny how life works, no? i don't know if you understood everything i meant to get across to you the other night, and i'm not sure i said all i wanted to say. this may be just another thing you did but it brought back a neurosis that i worked hard to get rid of-
nobody has ever been asked whether or not they would like to skip out on hard times, or trying ones.
often times, decisions we make affect our future, but in due time you always realize that if you hadn't endured one difficult thing at one certain time, you would have just gone through something else some other time. so maybe all our decisions affect is out timing.
so how does a person dive in head first and blinded, and come out of the other end unchanged? this last week i dove in head first and slightly blinded. it was stupid. but i'll chalk it up to being overly emotional, slightly naive, and a little bit hopeful. i should have looked twice, and i should have gone with my gut when it told me this was dumb. it's a situation i've been in before- i allowed you, and gave you my consent to open pandora's box right in front of my face knowing very well every little thing that would come of it. all the effort that i made to get to that place where we were good, and i was comfortable was in vain. so here's what i want to throw out into the universe to you: i don't believe the cover ups that you threw at me, and the excuses you made. if anything, i find im more inclined to believe the things that you said to me before that- the things you tried to fix and explain the next day. i asked you if you believed in soul mates- but judging by everything you said it was clear that you must, and if you don't - and you are capable of not meaning he drastic things you said - then why the hell haven't i sen you with a girl in 5 years? And, if you've been with some why haven't you told me the way I tell you? Because you can't say those things to me? Because you meant what you said when you told me you compare every girl to me and NONE add up- not even this one? Actions speak louder than words- and your cover ups aren't valid- so take all of your drunken words and your confessions and go back to where you came from- go and take your chances with what you have going on now- if you're up for it dive in head first and see what happens- put forth more effort than you ever had and try to make things right from start to finish- but remember that this means being honest. i would imagine you've chosen not to put all of this out there- and that is the only part of this that is slightly comforting: i could not imagine being with someone who wasn't one hundred percent honest- so, technically, i could not- right now- imagine being with you.
maybe you don't want to be honest because you don't have a good explanation - or maybe what you need to explain is just what she was scared of- which, oddly enough, is just what you are scared of.
all i ask of you is don't cloud my vision, don't say unreasonable things to me that contradict what you are currently doing with your life. dont come back to me and tell me it was always me. that it is always me. don't tell me that nobody can compare and nobody ever has. i dont want to discuss fate and don't tell me we have a song. dont hold my hand in a way that makes you nervous and please don't tell me that you want to wake up next to me and you want me to be there in 10 years. i dont have 10 years and i dont have what it takes to do this with you- maybe i never have in 5 years, and maybe i never will.
what we were was excellent, and it took me so long to get to excellent -if i had to be that with you for the rest of my life i would have been content and now i'm not sure how to get back there again and it's your fault. you said that i was your best friend. in the different-from-your-other-best-friends way, and now we're nothing at all. you don't want it to be strange, but you are strange.
i dont fully understand you or where you are coming from. i dont know what was real what was fake and what was somewhere inbetween. ill never stop questioning ALL the things you said over the course of all those hours, ALL the information that you VOLUNTEERED- and maybe ill never be able to listen to that modest mouse song again- but i do know, that there is here and there is now. there is the next few days, and the near future and that's all i have to offer. i cannot be your boomerang- i can't go out into the universe- while you and i live seperate but parallel lives- and then always come back to you. boomerangs don't really work and parallel lines never intersect- you might have 10 years to build up whatever it is you think you need but i don't; i have here and now, and next week and next month. i have the people i have met in the last few weeks that i like, the people i hope to meet in the next few months that i could like- i have my friends and i have my life- which requires enough attention and maintenance.
you asked me was it fate that someone sang that song, in that bar- and you said it was ours. that was your declaration- here is mine: if that was fate, then fate exists- and maybe, just maybe thats why this all happened and thats why i was dancing you out of my system late on a friday night while someone else was in some other bed in some other city thinking of me and sending me messages to let me know.
two wise people with impeccable nunchuck skills once said to me on a strange friday night: un clavo saca el otro; y es verdad...
nobody has ever been asked whether or not they would like to skip out on hard times, or trying ones.
often times, decisions we make affect our future, but in due time you always realize that if you hadn't endured one difficult thing at one certain time, you would have just gone through something else some other time. so maybe all our decisions affect is out timing.
so how does a person dive in head first and blinded, and come out of the other end unchanged? this last week i dove in head first and slightly blinded. it was stupid. but i'll chalk it up to being overly emotional, slightly naive, and a little bit hopeful. i should have looked twice, and i should have gone with my gut when it told me this was dumb. it's a situation i've been in before- i allowed you, and gave you my consent to open pandora's box right in front of my face knowing very well every little thing that would come of it. all the effort that i made to get to that place where we were good, and i was comfortable was in vain. so here's what i want to throw out into the universe to you: i don't believe the cover ups that you threw at me, and the excuses you made. if anything, i find im more inclined to believe the things that you said to me before that- the things you tried to fix and explain the next day. i asked you if you believed in soul mates- but judging by everything you said it was clear that you must, and if you don't - and you are capable of not meaning he drastic things you said - then why the hell haven't i sen you with a girl in 5 years? And, if you've been with some why haven't you told me the way I tell you? Because you can't say those things to me? Because you meant what you said when you told me you compare every girl to me and NONE add up- not even this one? Actions speak louder than words- and your cover ups aren't valid- so take all of your drunken words and your confessions and go back to where you came from- go and take your chances with what you have going on now- if you're up for it dive in head first and see what happens- put forth more effort than you ever had and try to make things right from start to finish- but remember that this means being honest. i would imagine you've chosen not to put all of this out there- and that is the only part of this that is slightly comforting: i could not imagine being with someone who wasn't one hundred percent honest- so, technically, i could not- right now- imagine being with you.
maybe you don't want to be honest because you don't have a good explanation - or maybe what you need to explain is just what she was scared of- which, oddly enough, is just what you are scared of.
all i ask of you is don't cloud my vision, don't say unreasonable things to me that contradict what you are currently doing with your life. dont come back to me and tell me it was always me. that it is always me. don't tell me that nobody can compare and nobody ever has. i dont want to discuss fate and don't tell me we have a song. dont hold my hand in a way that makes you nervous and please don't tell me that you want to wake up next to me and you want me to be there in 10 years. i dont have 10 years and i dont have what it takes to do this with you- maybe i never have in 5 years, and maybe i never will.
what we were was excellent, and it took me so long to get to excellent -if i had to be that with you for the rest of my life i would have been content and now i'm not sure how to get back there again and it's your fault. you said that i was your best friend. in the different-from-your-other-best-friends way, and now we're nothing at all. you don't want it to be strange, but you are strange.
i dont fully understand you or where you are coming from. i dont know what was real what was fake and what was somewhere inbetween. ill never stop questioning ALL the things you said over the course of all those hours, ALL the information that you VOLUNTEERED- and maybe ill never be able to listen to that modest mouse song again- but i do know, that there is here and there is now. there is the next few days, and the near future and that's all i have to offer. i cannot be your boomerang- i can't go out into the universe- while you and i live seperate but parallel lives- and then always come back to you. boomerangs don't really work and parallel lines never intersect- you might have 10 years to build up whatever it is you think you need but i don't; i have here and now, and next week and next month. i have the people i have met in the last few weeks that i like, the people i hope to meet in the next few months that i could like- i have my friends and i have my life- which requires enough attention and maintenance.
you asked me was it fate that someone sang that song, in that bar- and you said it was ours. that was your declaration- here is mine: if that was fate, then fate exists- and maybe, just maybe thats why this all happened and thats why i was dancing you out of my system late on a friday night while someone else was in some other bed in some other city thinking of me and sending me messages to let me know.
two wise people with impeccable nunchuck skills once said to me on a strange friday night: un clavo saca el otro; y es verdad...