So, August is over? WTFFFFFFFF
It's 2 o'clock in the afternoon Greek time. That means folks of America you are all probably SLEEPING as im writing this. As it is 7 in the morning, or maybe you are just getting up.
My day is slowly but surely coming to another end.
Let me give you some updates if you care to read.
I was in IKARIA for just a little over one month, and thank god i ( Read more... )
I don't even know what to say...I'm really miserable right now. School is starting tomorrow, and the way that classes and my schedule have worked out is not so good. As amatter of fact, it fucking sucks, and I am not at ll looking forward to school, because my heart is really not into my classes or what I'm studying.
I'm also scared out of my mind, because it seems like every week, I'm changing my mind about what I want to do and what I should study, and I know that I'm only 18 and I can't possibly know what I'm going to do with my life yet, but it seems like every time I find something I really want to do, I'm in love with it for a week, and I think "oh, I've found what I want to do, what will make me happy!" and then my mind and my mood change so suddenly and I want something completely different. And it terrifies me, because I've always been this way: liking something to the point of obsession and being so sure about it, only to lose those feelings very quickly and move onto "loving" something else. So basically, I've no idea what to study, what to do, or what my favorite interests and areas of study are going to be two minutes from now, which means that I can't for the life of me plan anything without second-guessing what I'm choosing, and I just want to SCREAM because I'm questioning everything and it's driving me mad.
So, to sum up: I don't like school, don't like what I'm studying, don't know what to do with myself, with what I'm studying, with where I'm going, don't know how to fix any of this, don't know how to come to a conclusion about anything, and am so chicken-shit that I'm contemplating missing the first day of school (and many days after that) until I can figure this all out. And I would, if my parents weren't paying nine thousand dollars a year, and trying so hard to make me happy by supporting all ym college decisions.
Oh, god, I'm such a mess, I'm crying right now as I write this, because not only do I now know what to do, I don't even know what I want to do anymore, and I feel like I'm having a big exitsentialist breakdown in my basement.
Shit, shit, shit.
I love you though, and it was good to hear from you.
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It was beautiful hearing your voice this morning, at 6....my eyes were all crusty because i cried myself to sleep last night, i guess it was the left over dried up tears, and thats the worst feeling to wake up to in the morning. Anyway i passed my first orientation day.
I didnt meet any new people. I just stared at alot of the pretty girls. And god jealous. As always.
I dont know what to tell you either about your school. It breaks my heart that you feel that way, but unfortuneately i think ill be in the same situation in a couple of weeks.
My school campus is beautiful though. Thats all i keep on saying to keep my in check to keep me here. I dont even know what im getting myself into quite frankly. What the hell am i doing in a foreign country going to school with absolutely no Friends??! aaaaa
Yeah im a crazy bitch. But im really proud of myself.
I will talk to you later though on the phone. Becauase i have so much more to say but i dont even know where to begin now. You know once we start talking my mouth starts going and never stops.
Something to look forward to though....
You will be fine. I promise. I know you will be because you always end up that way, no matter how bad things are.
We are all in the same bag. Im so scared. I am not even allowed to take the classes i like. But im just like fuck it because im not ready to make any decisions right now anyway.
In college youll find out who you really are, and your personality and who WANT to become in the future. Therefore, you shouldn't be scared during the first week of school thinking your going to fail and have break downs. Its just not logical.
Having time to yourself in college will have you realize eventually what it is that you want to major in and do forever. And im scared for the same exact reasons you are....but im just pretending that life is easy, so everything else seems no big deal in the big picture of a great life with expierences.
No matter how bad it gets Stace, it never really is that bad. Just rememeber that. Because thats what im telling myself here.
you have the brains, and you have a family that loves you, that is going to be there for you if you fail, and they will be there to pick you back up and let you try again. And you and I both know that.
No matter how bad things get. Its never really THAT bad.
loove you!!!!
filakkiaaa apo ellada
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I did cut class this morning though, because I dropped PIlates and Latin and didn't feel like going to Pilates just to leave after one day. And I have a class about Piracy in 40 minutes...he hinted we would watch Pirates of the Caribbean today, that's pretty cool.
Anyway, I really do get everything you said, and it does make me feel a little bit better. I guess it's not so much that I'm scared of school and classes as that I'm scared that I'm making the wrong decisions (because I do that quite a lot, you know), and I just get so, so afraid, when I think that one day I'm going to wake up and be 40 and have to ask, "what the hell did I do with my life?" And part of me wants so many things- almost all of which are unrealistic, but I know that I don't want to go through life with a career or a job that I hate, but at the same time, everything I've ever been interested in has fizzled out after not too long...and what I'm left with is acting. Which is so ridiculous, because I've been in like, two plays my whole life and I don't even know if I'm a good actress, and you have to be, to make it in a college course. But, like everything else Ive ever been interested in, this came upon me suddenly, with a vengeance, and is wreaking havoc on my life, because now, the urge to act is taking over and the only way to follow thru on it is to try and get in some acting productions so that if I do apply to a theater college (and I probably won't, because I won't get in), I'll need experience that I don't have.
You know what? I don't think I like writing my problems on LJ because I'm going in circles. I am going to save all my issues for when we talk on the phone, because I like it better when you give me advice face to face (well, in a manner of speaking...phone to phone, now, I guess).
So give me a missed call whenever you have time to talk. I have class fr the next two hours, but then I'm free for the whole day.
I love you. Thanks for laughing at my being rational and the end of whole long rant, it made me laugh too.
Filakia apo ameriki
Stacie
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