(no subject)
You think things can't possibly get any worse. They do.
This weekend was probably one of the hardest weekends to get by of my life. I am going to greece in about 6 days and somewhat hours, and i am not in the least bit excited. I am too stressed more than anything. I have two regents tests still, and i dont want to up ANOTHER BOOK! i figure i dont have to study for history. Maybe just read a little. But chem. I really need to study for that one. I cant afford to fail anymore regents about that wretched MATH B! ahhhhhhh.
Anyway. I dont even want to go to Greece this early anymore. And i want to come home early too. I dont want to stay until september. I have my personal reasons for this. This is partly because of something that happened over the weekend that has made it incredibly horrible. I dont even know what to say anymore.
Everything is just falling apart. You sit there and you think..."ok, i have hope. Maybe something good will come out of all this." But then bad shit just keeps on happening, and happening to good people. I have been thinking a lot this weekend about fate. And how i used to think that everything happens for a reason. And now...i totally fucking dont believe in that. Why do bad things always happen to good people? And why do bad people get away with horrible shit and never feel a ounce of pain in their life? I think about my brothers problems from when he was a little boy. Did he deserve that? Did that happen for a reason? No. No reason other than to make my mother be scared everyday of her life for him. No reason but to have my whole family worry for the future. Along with this my family has a whole mess of problems that i cant share on livejournal...but basically, all these problems are happening to a family that definetly doesn't derserve a second of it. And then there is me. I have just been added to my family with a problem of my own. And i have been asking myself why so many times these past three days...because i know that for who i am, and what i stand for, i dont deserve what God has decided for me.
A lot of bad things happened this year. And the only thing i kept telling myself was...its gunna get better, its going to get better. And sure! i have greece coming up in a week...but i'll tell you right now, thats not going to make this all better.
I just wanted to know...if God exists? Why is he doing this to my family? I want to stop believing in him, but then again i need something to believe in. I dont want to be a lost soul..i need some faith in this world. I need something to give me hope. And it seems the only thing i had left to hope for, has turned around and prooved me wrong.
This weekend was probably one of the hardest weekends to get by of my life. I am going to greece in about 6 days and somewhat hours, and i am not in the least bit excited. I am too stressed more than anything. I have two regents tests still, and i dont want to up ANOTHER BOOK! i figure i dont have to study for history. Maybe just read a little. But chem. I really need to study for that one. I cant afford to fail anymore regents about that wretched MATH B! ahhhhhhh.
Anyway. I dont even want to go to Greece this early anymore. And i want to come home early too. I dont want to stay until september. I have my personal reasons for this. This is partly because of something that happened over the weekend that has made it incredibly horrible. I dont even know what to say anymore.
Everything is just falling apart. You sit there and you think..."ok, i have hope. Maybe something good will come out of all this." But then bad shit just keeps on happening, and happening to good people. I have been thinking a lot this weekend about fate. And how i used to think that everything happens for a reason. And now...i totally fucking dont believe in that. Why do bad things always happen to good people? And why do bad people get away with horrible shit and never feel a ounce of pain in their life? I think about my brothers problems from when he was a little boy. Did he deserve that? Did that happen for a reason? No. No reason other than to make my mother be scared everyday of her life for him. No reason but to have my whole family worry for the future. Along with this my family has a whole mess of problems that i cant share on livejournal...but basically, all these problems are happening to a family that definetly doesn't derserve a second of it. And then there is me. I have just been added to my family with a problem of my own. And i have been asking myself why so many times these past three days...because i know that for who i am, and what i stand for, i dont deserve what God has decided for me.
A lot of bad things happened this year. And the only thing i kept telling myself was...its gunna get better, its going to get better. And sure! i have greece coming up in a week...but i'll tell you right now, thats not going to make this all better.
I just wanted to know...if God exists? Why is he doing this to my family? I want to stop believing in him, but then again i need something to believe in. I dont want to be a lost soul..i need some faith in this world. I need something to give me hope. And it seems the only thing i had left to hope for, has turned around and prooved me wrong.