my locker is just 2 away from yours.
i just updated. but i feel like doing it again. somtimes i update on the day. sometimes how i feel.
how i feel:
i feel betrayed sometimes. then other times i feel like it doesnt matter and i could care less. thats the days im happiest.
sometimes i believe in love. and i hate believeing in love those tiems, cuz it doesnt happen. its nonexistent. well not always. but in a realtionship on my part it does not exist. and thats what i want. but i believe it, and so i really have no reason to. do i? i keep waiting. people tell me, nothing happens in a day, your time will come, you will find someone special. but will i? i believe i will, but is all this hoping and believing a waste. i think it could be. but then again im 17. maybe i just wont ever have puppy love. maybe i'll end up diving right in at 20-something and fall in love. but who decided i shoudl ahve to wait? why do i have to? why cant i experience the pointless love connections that last a few months too? should i believe?
soemtiems i feel like the whole world is shallow, the whole world is judging me and wondering if i do drugs, or why i dress the way i dress, or why i dont talk, or why i talk so much, or why im not pretty, or why i dont have a boyfriend,. or if im a good friend. i just want people to know me. i want people to KNOW ME. i dont want people to judge me. but that doesnt happen. i want to challege people to really get to know me before looking and walking away. that is my wish. one wish.
sometimes im jelous of the friends i love and love me back. my friends are gorgeous people inside and out. im not good enough for them. other choose them over me. i dont mind usually. but i feel plain around them. i feel black and white against colors. but then i think that if i hang w/ the colorful then maybe people will forget how black and white i am. they dont.
i am a happy and sweet person i think. i think im creative, and i think im caring. but i dont think everyone sees that. or notices, or even cares. maybe they just disagree. maybe they overlook.
i think i have many demensions.
sometimes i let what other people tell me influence me, and i hate that. i like being my own person w/ my own ideas. my outlook on life needs to be deeper. i feel like im such a deep person, lost in a massive pool of shallow people. but maybe im just as shallow, maybe im not and i just act like i am around people. i like being open with people, but im shy. and i dont want to be shy. i hate being shy. i hate hating myself, and i hate loving myself. i dont hate or love myself really tho. im fine with me. im a good person at heart. i mean well, thats what matters, and i know that, and thats why i dont need to be selfconscious, but i dont know how to get around it.
i always think everyone i meet hates me. i dont know if they do. i dont think they do, but then if i say the like me, i feel like im bragging or lowering myself, or becoming a lier. a lie to myself.
i think people think i want them to feel sorry for me. i hate that more than anything. i dont want pity. i hate pity. if im down on myself, that because im mad at myself, and its for me only.
i talk a lot. i have a big mouth. i know it. i hate it. i complain a lot. i hate that. and im very dramatic. i guess thats just the way i am. i am probably very self absorbent, thats a shitty trait. i try so hard to care for others, not myself. thats the way i like it.
i would give anything to have everyone love me. everyone i ever met. if i could make ever single person feel special in there own way. that would mean the world to me.
i am too insecure to hug people. its stupid. im not that gross, people dont hate hugs, people like hugs, i love hugs. and yet i still dont give them. i have to get over that. i tell myself im going to start hugging people, but then i never do. unless someone else goes in for it, i want do it, even if i can tell both people want it. its stupid.
sometimes i act so young for my age. some people hate that, me including. but i dont think we all have to grow up immediately. whats wrong w/ being carefree, spastic, and silly? nothing. so i will if i want.
i can be hypocritical, very. everyone can, but its so sickening, if i could be completely honest and unhypocritical id just love it. im going to try.
i am so differecnt than before. i used to not like talking aobut how i am, and how i want to be and how i will be. but now i love it, it helps me so much. i haave to let go and express myself sometimes. i used to be much more quiet and teacherpettish, im not anymore. i dont care about silly things like that anymore. if i want to be loud i will. if i want to complain i will. its just the way i am. i like it better. its not so bottled. i have a much broader loook on life now.
i love spontenaity. its the best thing on the earth. if i could just drop everything and do something new everyday i wouldnt regret it.
regret its pointless, its stupid, its of the past. its hard to not regret, but i can honestly say, most of the time i dont.
i ahve made many bad choices, i dont regret them, ive said many things, i dont regret them, i learnec from everything ive ever said or done. sometiems it wasnt wise, but a lesson was learned so it was all worth while.
smetiems i live in the past, or live for the past, or miss the past. pointless as well. the future is where it lies. the present is where i learn. and i am growing every day in every way. i am excited to see where i end up, where things unfold. live eachday as it happens.
bad days suck but it makes the good days that much better.
sometimes i just think that if i had a boyfriend things would be better. if i was prettier things would be better, if i was smarter, happier. cuter. free-er. but i have to just live the way everything is and live it large, and everything else will follow. i hope.
people look down on me for being friends with my mom and my brother, they are either jelous or pathetic. being friends with family is the most important thing and i love that i ahve that. people make fun of me for having younger friends, if they are true friends does it really matter? i dont think so. people who judge are not the people to be coming in touch with, they are the people that dont matter. they are the people that will ahve hard lives. soon they'll see.
forgive. dont forget. love. dont hate. care. and never stop.
how i feel:
i feel betrayed sometimes. then other times i feel like it doesnt matter and i could care less. thats the days im happiest.
sometimes i believe in love. and i hate believeing in love those tiems, cuz it doesnt happen. its nonexistent. well not always. but in a realtionship on my part it does not exist. and thats what i want. but i believe it, and so i really have no reason to. do i? i keep waiting. people tell me, nothing happens in a day, your time will come, you will find someone special. but will i? i believe i will, but is all this hoping and believing a waste. i think it could be. but then again im 17. maybe i just wont ever have puppy love. maybe i'll end up diving right in at 20-something and fall in love. but who decided i shoudl ahve to wait? why do i have to? why cant i experience the pointless love connections that last a few months too? should i believe?
soemtiems i feel like the whole world is shallow, the whole world is judging me and wondering if i do drugs, or why i dress the way i dress, or why i dont talk, or why i talk so much, or why im not pretty, or why i dont have a boyfriend,. or if im a good friend. i just want people to know me. i want people to KNOW ME. i dont want people to judge me. but that doesnt happen. i want to challege people to really get to know me before looking and walking away. that is my wish. one wish.
sometimes im jelous of the friends i love and love me back. my friends are gorgeous people inside and out. im not good enough for them. other choose them over me. i dont mind usually. but i feel plain around them. i feel black and white against colors. but then i think that if i hang w/ the colorful then maybe people will forget how black and white i am. they dont.
i am a happy and sweet person i think. i think im creative, and i think im caring. but i dont think everyone sees that. or notices, or even cares. maybe they just disagree. maybe they overlook.
i think i have many demensions.
sometimes i let what other people tell me influence me, and i hate that. i like being my own person w/ my own ideas. my outlook on life needs to be deeper. i feel like im such a deep person, lost in a massive pool of shallow people. but maybe im just as shallow, maybe im not and i just act like i am around people. i like being open with people, but im shy. and i dont want to be shy. i hate being shy. i hate hating myself, and i hate loving myself. i dont hate or love myself really tho. im fine with me. im a good person at heart. i mean well, thats what matters, and i know that, and thats why i dont need to be selfconscious, but i dont know how to get around it.
i always think everyone i meet hates me. i dont know if they do. i dont think they do, but then if i say the like me, i feel like im bragging or lowering myself, or becoming a lier. a lie to myself.
i think people think i want them to feel sorry for me. i hate that more than anything. i dont want pity. i hate pity. if im down on myself, that because im mad at myself, and its for me only.
i talk a lot. i have a big mouth. i know it. i hate it. i complain a lot. i hate that. and im very dramatic. i guess thats just the way i am. i am probably very self absorbent, thats a shitty trait. i try so hard to care for others, not myself. thats the way i like it.
i would give anything to have everyone love me. everyone i ever met. if i could make ever single person feel special in there own way. that would mean the world to me.
i am too insecure to hug people. its stupid. im not that gross, people dont hate hugs, people like hugs, i love hugs. and yet i still dont give them. i have to get over that. i tell myself im going to start hugging people, but then i never do. unless someone else goes in for it, i want do it, even if i can tell both people want it. its stupid.
sometimes i act so young for my age. some people hate that, me including. but i dont think we all have to grow up immediately. whats wrong w/ being carefree, spastic, and silly? nothing. so i will if i want.
i can be hypocritical, very. everyone can, but its so sickening, if i could be completely honest and unhypocritical id just love it. im going to try.
i am so differecnt than before. i used to not like talking aobut how i am, and how i want to be and how i will be. but now i love it, it helps me so much. i haave to let go and express myself sometimes. i used to be much more quiet and teacherpettish, im not anymore. i dont care about silly things like that anymore. if i want to be loud i will. if i want to complain i will. its just the way i am. i like it better. its not so bottled. i have a much broader loook on life now.
i love spontenaity. its the best thing on the earth. if i could just drop everything and do something new everyday i wouldnt regret it.
regret its pointless, its stupid, its of the past. its hard to not regret, but i can honestly say, most of the time i dont.
i ahve made many bad choices, i dont regret them, ive said many things, i dont regret them, i learnec from everything ive ever said or done. sometiems it wasnt wise, but a lesson was learned so it was all worth while.
smetiems i live in the past, or live for the past, or miss the past. pointless as well. the future is where it lies. the present is where i learn. and i am growing every day in every way. i am excited to see where i end up, where things unfold. live eachday as it happens.
bad days suck but it makes the good days that much better.
sometimes i just think that if i had a boyfriend things would be better. if i was prettier things would be better, if i was smarter, happier. cuter. free-er. but i have to just live the way everything is and live it large, and everything else will follow. i hope.
people look down on me for being friends with my mom and my brother, they are either jelous or pathetic. being friends with family is the most important thing and i love that i ahve that. people make fun of me for having younger friends, if they are true friends does it really matter? i dont think so. people who judge are not the people to be coming in touch with, they are the people that dont matter. they are the people that will ahve hard lives. soon they'll see.
forgive. dont forget. love. dont hate. care. and never stop.